On valuing demand and disqualifying hyperdemand

All our days, to a greater or lesser extent, are marked by motivation and the drive to action.

As long as motivation comes from demands, we find ourselves driven and wanting “for more!” The problem occurs when we go beyond that limit and want more. and closer to an obsessive perfection. So, far from appreciating what has been done, we stop and point out to others what was missing, the result of hyperdemand. This is a true way of devaluing what has been achieved.

Motivate yourself by demanding yourself or criticize yourself hyper-demandingly

Of course, motivation must be present in the possibility of carrying out any undertaking. Being motivated implies a quota of encouragement that instigates us to action and completion of the project. I repeat: no matter how minimal. But for this process to work, A certain amount of demand is important to be able to function productively.

Until a certain point, The demand encourages and values ​​the protagonist’s effort, but beyond that limit, it transforms into hyperdemand. It is worth asking what is the limit? What is the exact point at which human beings exceed their personal possibilities?

Hyper-demanding or over-demanding is demanding oneself beyond one’s personal potential, it is the imperative need for everything to turn out perfect, but since life is real – that is, it has virtues and defects – It will be very difficult for a hyper-demanding person to tolerate a margin of error. A mistake is unacceptable, it is the passport to guilt and personal scourge for him.

The requirement considers personal possibilities and resources. It makes them count, in order to apply them to situations and experiences to be resolved. Instead, overdemanding seeks not only personal resources but also tries to create and manufacture, many times ideally, possibilities that exceed the person’s capabilities.

For all these reasons, those who are demanding are more human, they know their limits, they capitalize on their resources and value them, while Hyper-demanding people are something like production machines: they do not understand limitations and exceed their capabilities. Therefore, the latter tend to devalue themselves when they do not reach the desired goal and put pressure on themselves until they disqualify themselves.

What they do The overdemanding is the typical example of the glass half empty or half full. As long as the glass is full, they are in balance; If they do not reach the peak of the objective –nothing halfway!- they enter into a devaluing refusal.

For example, graphically, if the maximum is 10 points, a demanding person values ​​having reached a 7 or 8; while the hyperdemanding person obsessively observes what was missing. Looking at the same score, he will point out the two or three points that were missing to reach ten. Furthermore, a score of 9.50 for a hyperdemanding person is the rumination of wondering why he did not reach 10 points or where he has failed…

Therefore, the demanding person will enjoy their performance and will seek to rely on past experience to take advantage of it in the future. The hyperdemanding do not enjoy: Even though they may comply with the 10 points, there will inevitably be something to object to.

So, If they always mark what is missing, they are always in debt to themselves. This mechanism causes guilt and anguish that is expressed through complaints. Thus, in addition to being hyper-demanding, they are guilty and complainers. In this sense, those who are demanding are not guilty, only what is necessary in relation to the errors that occur in the development of the experience, since they admit a margin of error and are aware that this margin is what allows learning.

The hyper-demanding do not allow mistakes. They have no possible fraction for the error. For this reason, the deviation from the objective that implies not using the correct information generates insurmountable feelings of guilt that are manifested through self-reproach, aggression and other scourges. Hyperdemand is rigid and does not allow erasures on the white sheet; It is sententious and categorical.The requirement has a margin of flexibility that makes it possible to eradicate dogmatisms and accept diverse permissions in the face of the arbitrariness of experience.

Overdemanding or undervalued celebrities

These attitudes that demarcate radical differences between both positions, not only develop for the protagonists, but also for the environment.

Hyperdemand both for oneself and for others is common among the undervalued. It is frequent that The hyper-demanding ones become critical and almost disqualifying with certain people around them. They do not value what was done, but remain stuck in what has not yet been done.

In this table we see a synthesis of the characteristics of hyperdemand and demand until we reach the neurotransmitters that predominate in one or the other.

REQUIREMENTHYPERDEMANDPositive thoughtsNegative automatic thoughtsMotivates and encouragesScares and full of fearsPushes to actionParalyzesEmpowersPlaces power in othersConcretes projectsProcrastinates or does not finish themConnotes positivelyIt is negatively criticized for what is missingIncreases self-esteemDevaluesPowerImpotentiatesShare with othersSelf-absorptionAskDoes not ask because he feels inferiorGood moodAnnoyance and anguishKnowing one’s own limitsNot knowing as far as one can be well despite adverse resultsDiscomfort if the desired result does not occurAssess what there isAssess what is missing and was not doneProbable successProbable failureProductive anxietyParalyzing anxietySerotonin, dopamineCortisol, adrenaline

How much work to be loved! No? Yes it’s correct, People who devalue themselves work hard to obtain recognition from the environment. Many of them became exemplary students, those who, faced with their low self-esteem, try to push themselves to the limit to counteract personal devaluation. They try, in this way, to attract attention in contexts in which they interact with the secret expectation of being valued for their resources.

Many of them, in their childhood, faced with being seconded or with a lack of attention (for example, by parents focused on work, on marriage or on one of the siblings) needed to overexert themselves, a matter of becoming over-adapted children, in order to obtain appreciation from their parents.

But, We must also emphasize that an exemplary student is not necessarily an undervalued one. Hyperdemand is a resource that a person with low self-esteem uses to raise it. However (and as always), sooner or later the hammer of self-fulfilling prophecy falls inexorably.

Hyperdemanding people can become exhausted, but they also have a low tolerance for frustration. When they fail to achieve their idealized goals, they feel a deep sense of failure. Nobody can contain them. They have always tried to place themselves above others and it is difficult for them to allow themselves to be accompanied in the anguish of frustration. They feel alone, although they are the ones who build such loneliness.

It should be added that omnipotence is added to overdemanding: faced with the feelings of helplessness of their own personal devaluation, people overexert themselves and omnipotence magnifies overextension. This conjunction is lethal: it makes hyper-demanding people more perfectionist and more susceptible to the fact that something is missing.

The greater the hyperdemand, the greater the systematization in the person’s life and their environment. Hyperdemanding people become critical, authoritarian and negative people (for themselves and their environment). They never positively connote their own achievements or those of others, nor do they enjoy the pleasure of reaching a goal.

Over time, living with them becomes intolerable. They become dependent on the context, but they fall into the trap of never feeling satisfied and people, far from qualifying them, pay them in the same coin: segregation.

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