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Self-reflection invites us to detach ourselves from certainties, to question rigid thoughts, and at the same time reminds us that we are free beings, people with the capacity to be autonomous when deciding. Few dimensions of personal growth favor such an intimate and full connection with one’s own interior, to ask ourselves What do we really want and what is it that puts barriers to our happiness?.
No one will be surprised to learn that a large part of the gurus of personal development call self-reflective consciousness “the art forgotten by psychology”. This is due to a very simple reason: our society has reached a point where it is much easier to blame others or fortune for what happens to us instead of having the courage – or the psychological capacity – to assume that Much of what happens to us is a consequence, avoidable or inevitable, of our actions.
“Life is very simple, but we insist that it be complicated”
-Confucius-
If I feel unhappy it is because my partner doesn’t know how to make me happy. If I can’t have friends I can trust, it’s because all people are selfish. If I fail that exam again and again it is because the teacher of that subject has a thing for me. If there is not a day in which I am not able to shake off this unhappiness and frustration, it is because the world simply does not know how to appreciate what I am worth. Yeah…. because…..
We are all familiar with these phrases that respond to the need to find a cause or an ultimate culprit, these arguments that we have undoubtedly heard on some occasion from a friend, a family member, a classmate or a co-worker. The “lost art of self-reflection” is the origin of many dysfunctional relationships in families, the cause of emotional relationships breaking down and the conflicts that arise and become entrenched in many work environments.
If a person does not have that active thought with which to question certain situations, they will feel very dissatisfied. When that same person is also unable to understand their own emotions, learn from their mistakes or take responsibility for their own actions and their consequences, You will live in a state of mind where thoughtlessness will only generate a single result: unhappiness.
Self-reflection, a direct journey inside to achieve well-being
Many of us have gone through that time in our lives when we told ourselves that “I have to travel, I have to go out, I have to cross my personal borders to know myself.” Little by little we are realizing that in reality, it is not necessary to change meridian to find that authentic version of our own being, because wherever we go we will always remain the same. Knowledge is inside and comes directly from self-reflection.
Likewise, it is timely to remember that this ability is not learned in one day or in two. It is a maturation process where we can see our reality from different lenses, where we can ask ourselves challenging questions to open our minds, to question everything that surrounds us… and even to ourselves. Self-reflection is the engine of personal growth, a journey for which we all have a ticket.
Although curious as it may seem, we do not always make good use of it.
Self-reflection is the key to success
By “success” we do not refer exclusively to achieving a privileged position in society. Success is above all well-being, it is the ability to be creators of our own happiness in any area of life. Thus, and according to the research of Daniel Goleman, self-reflection is crucial to be able to develop, for example, adequate Emotional Intelligence.
We must understand therefore that what What psychologists define as “self-reflective awareness” is actually a “meta-cognitive” skill that we can all train and enhance.. It means above all being able to think and reflect on one’s own mental and emotional processes to understand and master them.
Someone with a good capacity for self-reflection is a person capable of managing their impulses, someone who plans, who has adequate social awareness and who, in turn, understands life is a continuous learning process where being receptive to everything that surrounds us.
He is also a person capable of establishing a healthy and useful internal dialogue with which to sense errors, shortcomings, insecurities and discomforts in order to heal them and build, day by day, a better version of himself.
On the other hand, and just as a curiosity, it is worth remember what Emmanuel Kant once said in “The Critique of Pure Reason”. For the Königsberg philosopher, the exterior, what surrounds us, is actually the reflection of the interior.. Therefore, if our inner image is characterized by a lack of capacity for self-reflection, low self-esteem and rigid thinking, all these poor and negative dynamics will make up an oppressive, gray and unencouraging external world.
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Keys to developing good self-reflection
More than a purpose it is a necessity. Developing good self-reflection is an everyday goal in which we should invest effort and will. to become what we long for: free people. We could see it as a rebirth, as that awakening to consciousness, that illumination or “insight” that they taught us in the movie Matrix with which we discover that we are not obliged to constantly please others, that we have a voice and adequate tools. to be what we want.
To achieve this, we can work on the following dimensions.
1. Delve into your education, know your family history
To know ourselves, a good option is to stop for a moment at our roots. Sometimes, a particular style of parenting, a specific type of education often determines what we are now and even the way we see ourselves.
2. Understand your needs, motivations and emotions
Human beings have social impulses, we have needs for intimacy.the desire to belong to a certain social group, to achieve certain achievements, certain objectives…
If we understand our motivations we will also understand many of our emotions. What’s more, sometimes we will discover that many of these desires are simple attachments that do not favor our personal growth at all.
3. Understand your defense mechanisms
Defense mechanisms are activated when our identity is threatened or when we are exposed to a type of painful information about ourselves. Being aware of what causes these reactions and what defensive strategies we use will undoubtedly give us objective information about our deepest fears, our shortcomings, voids, needs…
4. Delve into your strengths and weaknesses
People are a compendium of greatness and weaknesses, of virtues and defects, of lights and shadows.. Being aware of each of these dimensions and delving into them will undoubtedly offer us an essential tool to work on our self-reflection.
5. What are your life purposes?
An existence without purposes is not life, a mind without objectives does not prosper, it is not happy, it lacks motivation and reasons to get up every morning.
Let’s make a list of what purposes define us at the present moment. and let’s delve into why they are so important to us and what we are doing to achieve them, to make them ours.
“If you don’t want to feel continually frustrated, avoid desiring what doesn’t depend on you.”
-Epictetus-
6. Be aware of the “cultural and social bubble” that surrounds you
Self-reflection has no reason to exist if we do not also nourish it from a critical perspective.. How does the society I live in impact me? Am I a slave to trends, do I worry a lot about “what people will say”? Do I prioritize feeling integrated over acting according to my real desires?…
7. Create a daily habit of self-reflection
Let’s dedicate at least half an hour daily to practicing self-reflection. Let’s focus on the important things in life, on our emotional and mental states, on the present that surrounds us. Let’s practice mindfulness, keep a journal, take a walk, paint or stay silent for a long time in that park next to our work…
To conclude, let’s make self-reflection a conscious habit where we dare to be a little freer every day. Let’s put aside the superficiality, fears and lukewarmness of the comfort zone to develop real well-being where we can reconnect with that being that we often neglect and let go of the hand too many times: ourselves.
Bibliographic references
Goleman, Daniel (2017). “Triple Focus.” Zeta Pocket
Dyer, Wayne (2010). “Your wrong areas” DeBolsillo
Jung, Carl (2010). “Memories, dreams, thoughts” New essay collection
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