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no one changes anyone

I receive many emails daily from women who would not like to identify themselves or tell their stories on the site, but who are desperately looking for help. Many are involved in a sick relationship and the complaints are many: he lies, disappears, cheats, drinks, only goes out with friends, uses drugs, etc. From the outside, the decision seems very easy, as it is impossible to maintain a relationship with someone who does such a thing, but the reality is quite different.

Instead of ending the relationship, these women become 24-hour detectives, controlling and having bouts of jealousy. OK. He may love you, but that fact doesn’t make his lies “more sincere” or his betrayal “less painful”, the fact is that people are what they are with its strengths and weaknesses.

That’s why you can’t take a frog and try to dress him as a prince, what I mean is that if you dream of a romantic man who sends you flowers and makes declarations of love, don’t try or don’t get frustrated in a relationship where there is no the romanticism.

People always say who they are and what they came for, an example: a married man looking for an extramarital relationship comes with a huge sign saying he cheats, and then a woman comes and says “but with me it will be different”, that is, we create too many expectations in ordinary people who have their weaknesses. We need to accept or reject the other person’s limitation. And even more, we need to understand that nobody changes nobodypeople only change by themselves and even then when they have the resources to do so.

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See, how many accidents do the news show with drunk drivers, that cigarettes cause cancer and that fat is bad for the heart, yet someone stops doing these things? Why then do we have the wrong feeling that our love can change everything? Or rather, are we selfish enough to want the person to become exactly what we desire, fulfilling our desires and supplying our needs?

I propose an inverse exercise, that the change starts in us and not in others, the first step is the self knowledgeknowing yourself, your qualities, your flaws, what needs to be repaired, and especially knowing our value and not accepting less than we deserve.

Andreia Mattiuci

Psychologist graduated in Brief Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy from FMUSP, owner of People Coaching and Organizational Development – a company focused on Coaching and Organizational Development and Training Projects. She performs care for adults and couples in an office and Online Psychological Guidance. CRP: 06/91301

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