Narcissism: people who only love themselves

We have all come across some time in our lives with family, friends, acquaintances so selfish and so focused on themselves that it seems that they lack empathy. These individuals, whom we know as narcissistic personalities, are those who they always look for their own benefit regardless of the consequences that their actions may have for others.

Narcissism: a lot of selfishness, no empathy

Without going to the extreme of meeting the requirements of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, many people fit this profile and in your day to day, you usually coincide with them. It can be your boss, your partner or your child’s school teacher; sure that each one shows its own particularities, but they all share common characteristics such as the exacerbated selfishness and lack of empathy.

Narcissists don’t know the damage they cause

Due to the way they act, these people frequently make others uncomfortable or harm, but they are so focused on themselves that it is almost impossible for them to empathize with the suffering and they show incapable of realizing the pain they cause.

This narcissistic way of relating neither makes them happy nor does it benefit themselves. Frequently, these people repeat harmful or unfavorable situations in their lives (partners who abandon them, businesses that fail, etc.), but they show unable to understand their involvement in their problems and to assume their responsibility.

Narcissists are emotionally blind

They look perfect, they don’t conceive that they can make mistakes. If something goes wrong, it will always be others who are to blame. This blindness to their own performance prevents them from learning from their mistakes and changing. Over and over again, these subjects continue to stumble, since it is impossible for them to see that they are the cause of the misfortunes that happen to them.

It is very strange, as you can imagine, for a narcissistic person to seek psychological help. By their very definition, looking perfect, They will never think that they have a problem, for them, it is the others who have it.

However, throughout my professional career, after suffering deep personal crises that brought them face to face with their deficiencies, some subjects with this profile have gone to therapy.

Manuel’s narcissism

An example of these people was Manuel, a young man who came to therapy after a girl, whom he particularly appreciated, opened his eyes about his narcissism, rejecting him and telling him that he was the most selfish person he had ever met in his life.

This repudiation, which confronted him with his true face, was a tremendous blow to Manuel. The young man had never seen himself like this, but as a result of this revelation, the veil fell from his eyes. Manuel, reviewing his previous relationships, not only realized that that girl was right, but also began to see reality as it truly was.

Narcissists are born manipulators

Analyzing different situations in his life, he found that he had always worried about his well-being and never that of others. Manuel was always seen pressing, manipulating and coercing to others to comply with what he demanded of them (a narcissist never asks, he always demands).

Paradoxically, despite being a successful businessman and having achieved everything he had set out to do in his life, Manuel was not happy. He owned money, houses, cars, he could afford all the material whims he wanted, but emotionally dragged a lot of lacks.

“I feel empty inside”, he confessed to me in one of the first sessions we did. He had never felt it so clearly, but the crisis in which he was immersed allowed him to immerse himself in his story and understand how he had reached such a degree of disconnection with reality.

How do you create a narcissist?

Narcissism is a personality trait that develops from early childhood and that serves, as we have seen so many times with other different problems, to hide affective deficiencies. These children have also suffered neglect and they have not seen their emotional needs metbut instead of sinking and taking refuge inside, as happens to many others, they they choose to flee forward, becoming strong and insensitive.

Manuel, to continue with our example, was the youngest and only son of his parents. His family had traditional and macho valuesso that his four older sisters were in charge of all the tasks, while he was pampered and treated with preference.

In fact, he was the only one whose parents offered him the chance to study a career, while his sisters had to start working at a very young age. On the other hand, their emotional needs were completely neglected.

His father spent all day outside working and his mother was so immersed in the activities of the house that she barely paid attention to little Manuel. He had no obligation, but neither no one cared about himso that he spent most of the day alone, feeling helpless and sad.

The only moments of the day in which the little one felt fulfilled (cared for and protected), were those in which the family flattered him, pampered him, consented to everything and those in which he took control of the family ordering the sisters what they should do.

Manuel learned to relate to other people in a deficient way, thinking and assimilating as normal, the idea that (also in order to feel alive) everyone had to adore him, agree with him and fulfill his wishes. The emotions or feelings of others had no consideration in this narcissistic way of understanding the relationships that the child developed after suffering daily intense feelings of helplessness and emotional abandonment.

narcissists and tyrants

With the passage of time, Manuel was assuming the role of the only man in a patriarchal family, coming to tyrannize his sisters, disposing of them for any whim he had. His parents allowed him and always reinforced the message that he had the right to whatever he wanted and that he was the only one who was right in the arguments.

Thus, the narcissistic personality was growing more and more until he reached adulthood in which, tired of his excesses, that girl left him.

How to get out of narcissism

Getting out of this narcissistic role is very difficult.Since narcissism carries enormous personal benefits in the form of immediate reward, everyone does what they command, which makes them feel alive. In addition, the narcissist is a born controller: he controls his emotions, controls his actions, controls others, so learning to give in, to give others their space, is very complex for them.

Change must come in the form of a crisis that makes these people see the importance of what they are losing, the emotional connection with other people, the power to let go of control, trust others, relax, etc.