My son hits other children, how can I help him?

Two-year-old Ana bites other children in the nursery. The other children avoid her. When she gets mad at Marc, a year and a half, she calls her mother stupid and slaps her. Two-year-old Carlos pushed another boy in the park, hit him with the shovel and threw sand on his head. His parents are worried. Why do his children behave like this? How can they stop that violence?

Children who hit other children: should they be punished?

Above all, don’t panic. Some degree of violence is common and normal in young children. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that these behaviors are good, desirable, or acceptable. I am not saying that a child should be allowed to hit. I’m just saying it’s normal, that your son is not a monster or turning into a juvenile delinquent.

This normality of violence is surprising to some parents, convinced that human beings are peaceful by nature and that society is what corrupts them and makes them violent. I’m afraid that’s a myth. In most animals and especially in primates, violence is a daily phenomenon.

Rather, it is the culture and civilization the one that allows us to behave in a less violent way and respect the weak. Young children have not had time to learn. We are teaching them little by little.

Some adults manage to repress completely his violent impulses. Most of us, why fool ourselves, we limit ourselves to redirecting them in socially acceptable ways: instead of hitting and biting, we choose to shout, insult or make sarcastic comments.

offer understanding

It has been proven that children raised with care and respect, who have a strong emotional relationship with their parents, are more peaceful and are more likely to respect other children or to comfort them if they cry.

On the other hand, children who have received little attention, or who have suffered screams and blows, are more violent. Once again, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that all children who hit have been abused, or that the parents are to blame for everything.

All children can be aggressive from time to time because it is normal. And some children, because they are more active or, perhaps, more impulsive or whatever, are frequently aggressive despite being treated with great affection.

I only say that the treatment influences, but it is only one factor among others. Of course, it is an important factor, because it depends on us.

We cannot change our child’s character, but we can change the way we treat him

When we left him crying in his crib instead of running to comfort him, we are teaching him to ignore the crying of others. When we yell and insult (“But are you stupid or what! You’re mean! You look very ugly when you suck your thumb”), we are teaching him that yelling and insulting are normal and acceptable ways of treating others. When we force him to do things for good, “because I am in charge here”, we are teaching them that the strongest have the right to give orders to the weakest. I know that sometimes there is no other choice but to force him to do something really important –to get vaccinated, to change his clothes, to hold hands to cross the street…–, but there are ways and ways of saying things; It is not necessary to do it loudly and in bad ways. When we slap him or we threaten to give it to him, what are we teaching him? There are still many parents convinced that a slap on the little hand is the only way to prevent a child from touching the stove or the bread knife. Let’s be a little serious. If an adult, faced with the difficult task of saying “don’t touch this” to a child, can’t find any other means than a slap (even lightly), how can we expect that same child not to resort to slapping to say “no”? touch my toys”?

If your son hits you

So when your child hits, instead of going off the deep end and giving speeches, stop and think: “How do I wish my child would have behaved in this situation? What do I want him to do, instead of hitting?” Treat your child (and his partner, and everyone else), even when he’s not looking, as you would want his child to treat his peers.

A small child can’t do much harm to an adult, Unless I catch him off guard and stick a finger in his eye. She can insult us (where did she learn those words?), she can slap or scratch us, maybe even pull our hair, but it’s not that bad either.

So we have no excuse: we can not lose the papers. In most cases, we can see it coming, move away, or push them away, or hold their hand before they touch us. An adult cannot fight with a child as an equal, he cannot lose his temper, start shouting, much less hit back.

And neither resort to more sophisticated means of psychological retaliation: ignoring them with Olympic contempt, trying to show them that we are far superior beings and they are just slimy worms, forcing them to ask for forgiveness and kiss the ground we walk on.

It is enough to say calmly and simply “no, hit no!”, and to something else, butterfly.

If we know the cause of anger -usually a child has to be really angry to hit his parents-, let’s try to remedy it. If the cause is a mystery – which is also sometimes the case – it is best to distract him and change the subject.

If your child hits other children

When he hits another child his age it is very different. Then it can hurt him or, at least, scare him into tears, and the mother of the other child is likely to give us a bad look.

So it is a priority to avoid aggression. If your child has a habit of pushing, hitting, or biting—and some children do at a certain stage of development—don’t leave him alone for even a minute with other children. She will always have to be half a meter away and get in the way as soon as she sees him with his hand raised or his mouth open. It’s an effort, I know, but no one has said that raising children is easy.

Move your child away immediately, decisively and efficiency if you have not managed to avoid the aggression, but without shouting or violence. Comfort the victim as you make a short speech to her son: “No, you shouldn’t bite. Can’t you see that it pupates? Children do not like to be bitten. When a child is pupated, you have to ask for forgiveness, like this: Sorry, I’m so sorry.

Also apologize to the parents of the other child. If you apologize, you are setting an excellent example and resolving the situation quickly. On the other hand, if he tried to force his two or three-year-old son to apologize, he could find himself involved in a ridiculous situation from which he would have a hard time getting out: “Apologise, I told you! Until you ask for forgiveness, we’re not leaving here!”

Go with your child to another area if the incident has been serious. Not as a punishment but to prevent further aggression, and this is how he kindly explains it: “If you bite, the other children don’t want to play with you, so we’re going to play just you and me. If you want to play with the other children tomorrow, then don’t bite them.” Depending on the circumstances, the isolation can be lifted in a few minutes or you may have to leave the park that afternoon.

Long speeches are useless. Whether at two years old, twelve or twenty, to tell a person not to hit, two words are enough: “Don’t hit”. Not by releasing a sermon will you understand it better. A two-year-old child will hardly understand it at first; the scene is likely to be repeated several times. He will learn through repetition, like the multiplication table.