My son doesn’t want to see me: what do I do?

“My son doesn’t want to see me, since the divorce he has been distancing himself more and more from me and he doesn’t even answer my calls or messages anymore.” Divorces are often difficult events for everyone involved. However, when there are children involved, it can be even more complex, as situations like this may occur.

A child’s rejection of his or her father or mother is a potential source of discomfort capable of generating anguish and emotional pain.. If you are going through this problem and don’t know what to do, know that you are not the only one. Separations often cause emotional stress for parents and children, even in the best of times.

Next, we are going to study the causes of this conflict and what you can do about it.

Why doesn’t my son want to see me? I did something wrong?

One of the first reactions that parents usually have when this happens is to feel guilty. They wonder if they did anything that could create that attitude in their children. “My son doesn’t want to see me, what did I do to make him behave like this?” It is a common thought.

While it is possible for parents’ actions to impact children, it is not always that simple. A whole group of factors can influence this situation.

Guilt is a common emotion when a parent experiences rejection from their child.

1. Parental alienation syndrome

Parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a clinical category proposed by psychiatrist Richard Gardner. The term refers to a difficulty that causes children to develop feelings of rejection and hostile behavior toward one of the parents. A common, and very sad, cause is that one of the caregivers makes negative comments about the other parent.

Supporters of this nosology speak of this pattern of behavior as a type of child abuse. However, it is necessary to clarify that SAP is not a condition recognized by any institution nor is it covered in clinical manuals. Castaño Méndez (2019) published research in which he studies the validity and clinical relevance of the alteration.

The author concludes that there is no scientific evidence that validates the existence of this clinical condition. Therefore, he proposes considering it as “parental alienation”, since it is not a real psychological alteration to call it a “syndrome”.

2. Problems adapting to the new situation

“My son doesn’t want to see me, he refuses to come with me on weekends.” Often, the child’s apparent rejection can be a form of denial about the change in reality. It can be difficult for children to accept that their parents live in separate homes.. By avoiding contact with the father who left home, they could be manifesting this problem.

They have probably lived in one house their entire life and that is their “comfort zone.” Even adults often resist leaving their comfort zone no matter the reason. Then, the rejection could be generated by more global problems of adaptation to the new situation.

3. Stressors

As mentioned at the beginning, Divorces are events that carry a great burden of emotional stress.. Perhaps the child or teen is experiencing significant feelings of sadness, anxiety, or depression.

In these cases, it is common for your reaction to be to give privileges to the parent you feel most attached to. In this way, more than rejection or hostility, it is a mechanism with which he protects himself from the discomfort he feels.

4. Poor relationship between father and son

Another possibility is that the bond between you and your child has been further weakened due to the divorce. Perhaps there were problems in the past in your relationship with him or her that were not addressed appropriately. Consequently, with the separation, their bond was further damaged and his behavior is an indicator of this.

5. Behaviors related to the evolutionary stage

“My son doesn’t want to see me, he says that when he is with me he can’t do anything.” In some cases, the rejection of children can be associated with normal processes within their evolutionary stage. For example, adolescents tend to distance themselves from adults in favor of peers.

Thus, you could perceive a rejection, and it would simply be because in some way that is what is necessary at this stage. It may also happen that I have very little time, and that to be with you I have to make a considerable trip.

Another option is that you are also very busy and can only talk or be with him at times when he cannot. In these cases, the solution is to sit down and spend some time aligning agendas and reaching some agreements. If the relationship is good with the other parent, you can ask them to try to act as a facilitator.

Many adolescents reject their parents by trying to seek independence.

What do I do if my son doesn’t want to see me?

When this situation arises, there are a series of strategies that can help you deal with it better. But, keep in mind that it is not a simple problem, so Don’t expect your child’s behavior to change from one moment to the next.

Identify the cause. The first thing the parent should do is identify the reason for their behavior. From there, different measures can be adopted. For example, if it’s trouble adjusting, you could look for ways to make the change less abrupt for him or her.Form an alliance with the other caregiver. Even though you divorced, you and your ex-partner should be a united front for the well-being of your children. If there is rejection towards one of you, the ideal is for both of you to get involved in the conflict to solve it. In this way, the view that one of the caregivers is an enemy is eliminated.Request legal advice if necessary. In cases of parental alienation, legal intervention may be necessary. Let us remember that alienation is a form of abuse that produces emotional discomfort in the child or adolescent.

“My son doesn’t want to see me, could a psychologist help me?” It is a common question that parents who go through this experience have. Going to a specialist in child and adolescent psychology can be beneficial to evaluate the situation and get guidance on it. Additionally, you could consider receiving psychological support to manage the impact that this problem has on you.

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