My partner yells at me when we argue: what can I do?

It is said that the animal that screams the loudest is the black howler monkey. Its scream can travel 5 km through the dense South American jungle. However, if they show this characteristic it is for several reasons. The first to protect their territory and the second to alert the group of possible risks and threats. Everything has a purpose and a meaning in the animal world.

Now, in the territory of human beings the same does not happen. Why do we scream at people? In general, The scream is an expressive function with which to convey surprise, fear, anger or indignation. We also use this mechanism to alert others of danger, just as happens in the animal kingdom. Beyond these mechanisms, said act is out of place.

However, There are those who are incapable of speaking without shouting; who, in the absence of arguments, attack with their voices at a thousand decibels. And, in fact, these dynamics are harmful to those who are the recipients of these outbursts, these acts that destabilize, hurt and worry. Because nothing can be as adverse as having caregivers or a partner who yells at us.

What can be done in these circumstances? Many will conclude that the best strategy is to abandon these people as soon as possible.. However, it is good to first consider other, perhaps less radical, strategies.

Continuous screaming subjects the brain to a high level of stress.

Communication and our emotions, when the mind collapses

If my partner yells at me when we argue, he or she most likely thinks that’s not normal. It’s understandable, no one likes having their voice raised. In a way, we have internalized it since childhood. When the volume of those speaking to us increases, we experience stress, fear or indignation. Now, is it really unusual that during discussions we resort to that higher tone?

The truth is that, in a relationship, it is not unusual for one’s voice to be raised in the middle of a conflict and as emotions become more intense. As might be expected, we do not address the loved one in the same way when we are calm as when we experience some frustration. Screaming is also a form of emotional catharsis, and sometimes it is difficult to regulate it.

Research from the University of Zurich states that there are at least 6 types of screams in humans and they are all mediated by our emotional charge. Therefore, this happening is within “normal”. There are times when, occasionally, emotions “kidnap” us and that most reflective area temporarily turns off. of our brain.

The problem comes when we share life with a person who makes shouting their form of communication.. In these cases, a form of abuse is evident that should be addressed and stopped.

Why does my partner yell at me when we argue?

“Could you talk to me without resorting to shouting?” It is very possible that more than one person has uttered this phrase countless times to someone who raises their voice. And they usually avoid the answer. In fact, it is common that, far from taking responsibility for their behavior, they attribute responsibility for what happened to others. Because those who use shouting as a form of communication do not always see a problem in it.

The reason for not wanting to become aware of this destructive dynamic in a relationship may be due to several factors. We analyze them:

Having grown up in a family that also resorted to screaming constantly.Likewise, having had violent parents increases hypervigilance, “exploding” at almost any moment as a result of that latent, unaddressed trauma. Let’s think that having post-traumatic stress disorder, for example, always favors more emotional reactions in which reflective or rational filtering is overlooked. Low resistance to frustration, intolerance of being contradicted. There are those who see a disagreement as a form of threat and react with violence. Something undoubtedly highly problematic.Poor emotional management is also present in multiple mental problems, such as borderline personality disorder. Another more problematic reality can also occur. Sometimes, there are people with a very low level of empathy who are used to venting their anger towards others. The scream becomes a resource with which to invalidate the other and impose one’s power.

There are couples who yell at each other, leading to very self-destructive situations.

What can I do if my partner always raises his voice too much?

If my partner yells at me when we argue and this practice is a constant, that relationship is in crisis. It is because no one can live with or tolerate so much tension, exhaustion and emotional aggression. Let us remember that constantly raising our voice at a loved one is a form of psychological aggression and, therefore, something that we cannot tolerate.

Now, does this mean that we should distance ourselves and instantly break this bond? If the coexistence is correct, respectful and you only lose your temper during arguments and disagreements, it is worth addressing the problem. These are the keys that we could carry out.

1. If there is shouting, there is no communication

The moment your partner raises his voice in the middle of an argument, refuse to continue. Make him see that this dynamic is neither valid nor permissible. The last thing we should do is imitate him, shout louder. Let’s avoid that situation and resort to silence when its tone is aggressive and excessively loud.

2. Ask him why he resorts to screaming

“Did they yell at you at home? Why do you need to raise your voice when communicating? What do you feel when we argue? Do you see the discrepancies between us as a form of threat?” Let’s explore the reason why our partner needs to resort to shouting, Let’s at least try to do an exercise in self-awareness.

3. Ask for changes in the way you communicate and encourage empathy

No one deserves to live in a relationship where screaming is a constant. Raising your voice occasionally, sporadically and isolatedly during a disagreement is common in a relationship. However, when this dynamic is most recurrent, let us demand changes.

Explain to your partner what you feel when he yells at you, get him to empathize with you. Make it clear to him that you cannot continue in this dynamic and that, therefore, he must communicate better.

Encourage him to go to therapy if he feels overwhelmed in these situations and doesn’t know how to manage his emotions.

4. If you don’t see changes, make a decision

If my partner yells at me and does not respond to my demands for change or empathize with how I feel, I will have to make a decision.. It is true that it is difficult to leave behind a form of communication in which one has possibly been educated. However, sooner or later, those who raise their voices must realize the harmful effects of such a habit.

In case you do not want to do anything to manage such harmful dynamics, it is up to us to think about what we want for our lives. Let’s avoid reinforcing magical thinking and the idea that at some point it will change.. Because if he hasn’t already, he never will.

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