My partner insults me when he gets angry, what can I do?

“My partner insults me when he gets angry.” This phrase is often heard in psychological therapy. If you currently experience this same dynamic of abuse in your relationship, it is important to keep the following detail in mind: Disqualifications constitute a type of violent communication that is not permissible and that also has a great impact on psychological health.

If you live with someone who poorly regulates their emotions, who quickly loses patience and is unable to engage in dialogue without resorting to verbal aggression, your emotional well-being can be greatly affected. In these cases it is advisable to request urgent changes and reach agreements to improve that conversational style. In the following text we offer you all the keys.

What should I do if my partner insults me when he gets angry?

Respect is a psychological attitude that implies a clear will not to harm others. Respect is, above all, caring for and treating any fellow human being with affection. In that sense, the psychologist, John Gottman, one of the greatest experts in relational matters, points out in his book Seven golden rules for living as a couple (1999), the essential nature of this value in couple relationships

Aggressive communication is one of the biggest enemies of the sexual-affective bond. On the other hand, research papers, such as the one published in Humanities & Social Sciences Communications, include insults and swear words as a serious form of violence in the couple. Therefore, at the slightest sign of these negative and abusive behaviors, we must act.

Below, we give you some keys to reflect on.

Understand the reasons behind this dynamic

“If my partner insults me when he gets angry, the first thing I think is that he has lost control.” It’s true that poor impulse regulation could be a factor. However, there are more associated variables that can orchestrate this situation.

We define them:

People who normalize insults. Indeed, there are profiles that have the use of disparaging words integrated into their mental and communicative narrative. So much so, that they are not aware of its impact on emotional and interpersonal relationships.Aggressive communication is sometimes inherited. Often, the use of swear words responds to an inherited pattern, to which someone was exposed in their family since childhood and which repeats in adulthood.A form of psychological violence that can get worse. Works such as those published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships indicate that, on certain occasions, verbal aggression precedes physical aggression.Poor emotional communication. It is possible that your partner, in addition to poor impulse control, exhibits an impractical communication style, with no emotional intelligence skills. Constant anger, frustration and words full of contempt can respond to this factor.

Avoid normalizing any type of aggressive behavior

There are many people and relationships that normalize aggressive communication. So much so that, sometimes, we can see couples in which both insult each other equally. That is not healthy in any relationship. It is important that you do not get used to or tolerate this communication style and that you avoid responding in the same way to the other person. Insults are a form of aggression that should not be reinforced or practiced.

Likewise, it is worth keeping in mind that, in addition to the use of derogatory words, this type of behavior can include other degrading practices. Psychological violence in communicative matters has, after all, a very broad spectrum. Do not hesitate to detect the possible presence of these dimensions, here are some:

The use of sarcasm and irony. Shouting. Harmful comparisons. Making fun of you in public and in private. Use of aggressive non-verbal communication (stares, threatening postures, invading personal space.) Disparaging your achievements with bad words. sonant.

Talk to your partner about how you feel and demand changes

Communication is key in any relational relationship. As a publication in Frontiers in Psychology points out, this competence acts as the heart of every relationship and the most decisive pillar that supports it.

So, If you have been saying to yourself for a while: “My partner insults me when he gets angry,” it is crucial that you address the situation as soon as possible. Let’s see how to make it done:

Talk to your partner assertively, explaining the situation. Try to give him examples: “yesterday you insulted me like this, today you told me that I am (…)”Explain how that form of communication makes you feel.Ask him the reason why he uses those harmful expressions. Ask him to improve the quality of his communication.Detail your demands: respect, empathy and the disappearance of insults.Demand that these changes begin from that same day.

Seek support from your environment, avoid isolation

If your partner insults you and yells at you every time he gets angry, he is exercising a form of psychological abuse.. It is important that you seek support from those around you and explain this situation to someone you trust. Often, people who are in a situation of abuse choose silence and not share their suffering.

Research carried out by the Federal University of Rio de Janeiro highlights how, sometimes, some verbal aggressors seek to weaken their partner by isolating them from their family and friends. These acts affect the forms of expression and the psyche of the attacked people, since they feel difficulty when expressing their emotions. Avoid not falling into these situations. Always be close to your loved ones and share your worries, your fears and those problems that distress you in emotional matters.

Individual or couples therapy, key to improving communication

If your loved one has trouble communicating and regulating their emotions, they may benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy. As we have pointed out, sometimes the person can inherit aggressive dynamics from their own family environment that can be re-educated.

Being exposed as children to parents who shouted and insulted each other can mediate this behavioral pattern. Change is always possible if the person proposes it. In addition, It may be beneficial to resort to couples therapy.

Northwestern University, in the United States, points out the benefits of these therapeutic models and their usefulness in addressing a wide spectrum of relational dysfunctions. If there is love in your relationship, and if, beyond these communication dynamics, you consider that your bond is worth it, do not hesitate to request expert help. This initiative It will provide tools to build more empathetic and respectful dialogues.

What happens if my partner doesn’t change and continues insulting me?

«What if my partner doesn’t change? What happens if he continues insulting me and being unable to control his anger? If after having asked him to improve his behavior, and this does not happen, we will have to make a decision. In a sexual-affective bond there are insurmountable limits that should not be crossed.

Respect is the cornerstone of every bond in a relationship. Love is respect, care, and consistency between what is done and what is said. Constant insults are a form of violence that we cannot allow. If you do not act and normalize these dynamics, your self-esteem and self-concept can remain very fragmented.

Don’t hesitate to act and have good support by your side.

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