My partner doesn’t look at me during intimate conversations

Elena has been with her partner, Andrés, for almost twelve years. He adores him and he adores her even more. However, there is an aspect of her that tortures him, and that is that he is unable to hold her gaze when they talk about intimate topics, emotions and feelings. In this sense, she reproaches him that while they have sex, he avoids looking into her eyes.

Elena does not doubt Andrés’ love, she shows it to him every day in infinite ways. However, that detail hurts him and he doesn’t give it much importance. There are people who assume that, when it comes to conferring affection, eye contact is not important, It is enough to be physically present. However, this lack of connection can lead to doubts and confusion.

The truth is that this particularity is more common in men, and they are the ones who regret not having that eye contact at certain moments of the relationship. In the end, in many cases we end up assuming that lack, but reluctantly. Because within a couple’s bond, visual language constitutes a basic pillar that establishes and enriches said bond..

If it is so important, why are there those who do not carry it out?

Visual language as a mechanism for emotional connection is established in childhood.

Why doesn’t my partner look at me during intimate conversations?

The first thing we can think when we notice that a person avoids our gaze when we talk to them is that they are shy. However, When we already have a consolidated relationship for months or several years, shyness does not fit into said variable.. We can be complicit lovers and fabulous companions in fatigue, and be present with that particularity.

Now, the absence of eye contact during the most intimate moments will always make that relationship limp, have a defect. We can accept it, but it is a painful assumption. In relation to this topic, MacEwan University, in Canada, highlights a series of aspects in research. People need to establish eye contact to transmit information and consolidate social interaction.

We not only validate emotions, but we provide information about our thoughts. A “I love you” will never be authentic enough if you avert your gaze, if you look at the wall and not at your partner.. Let’s understand what could explain this type of reaction.

1. Gender issue and, above all, emotional education received

This information may interest us. It has been observed that, A few months after birth, girls seek and maintain eye contact longer than boys. The latter also seek it, but spend less time caring for their parents. This is information provided by research from the University of Missouri in Columbia.

Now, does this mean that the genetics and sex of each individual determine their ability to maintain eye contact or not? The answer is no; not at all. Although children hold their gaze for less time, it is the education received in emotional matters and social interaction that determines this factor.

If our parents have allowed us to grow up in a communicative context that is reinforced when we express what we feel and need by looking each other in the eyes, it is natural that we continue doing so when we leave this bubble environment. Thus, having enjoyed a solid emotional education in childhood motivates us to become interlocutors who take care of eye contact.

2. Difficulty handling intimate moments

If our partner does not look at us during intimate conversations, it is likely that it will also be difficult for him to maintain this type of dialogue.. One can be a great conversationalist, a bright and witty person, and yet not be too brilliant at expressing one’s emotions. They are figures with a certain awkwardness when it comes to talking about their feelings and sharing their needs.

Moments of intimacy are uncomfortable because they do not allow us to be vulnerable. Taking that step disturbs them because it makes them feel weak and fallible. Also, because they have not acquired adequate skills in this matter. Likewise, it is important to point out that this difficulty also causes them suffering and they are aware that these moments can strain the relationship.

3. The avoidant attachment style

There are people with difficulties establishing a safe, trusting bond, based on mutual care and the correct expression of feelings and needs. Avoidant attachment also manifests itself in the inability to maintain gaze during the most emotional dialogues.

This is explained because they do not know how to handle these situations and their tendency is to avoid, escape and prefer distance.

4. Possible associated disorders

The origin of an averted gaze in contexts of emotional vulnerability almost always has cultural and educational factors as its origin.. In many cases, it is a problem that affects men more than women and the trigger is in the type of emotional education received.

Now, we cannot rule out any associated psychological or neurological disorder. Although in these cases, more associated variables should always appear, and not just the lack of eye contact. Alexithymia, understood as the difficulty in recognizing one’s own and others’ emotions, and expressing them, is a condition that, together with autism spectrum disorder, can correlate with this characteristic.

Eye contact is the bond that nourishes non-verbal communication between a couple.

What can we do as a couple if this lack of eye contact appears?

What can I do if my partner doesn’t look at me during intimate conversations or even while having sex? In these types of situations, communication, understanding and the correct expression of our needs are essential. Let’s see below what strategies we can follow:

Aspects that I must understand

Just because my partner doesn’t look at me while we talk about emotional aspects doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.. I must understand that you are not skilled in these skills and that you experience great discomfort during these types of interactions.

It is not good to force the other person to look at us, this can cause greater tension. Let’s try to respect, give space and try to establish eye contact with them without imposing. If they avoid us, let’s look for them ourselves. Let’s create a scenario of trust in which it is comfortable to talk about what we feel and need without judging.

Aspects that my partner should understand

Our partner needs to understand how much we value eye contact and the role it plays in how we feel. Likewise, it is also positive and healthy who understands the value of vulnerability, of opening up emotionally and making eye contact an essential language in everyday life.

Taking that step can be complex and even disturbing, but you will grow as a human being and every relationship will be more rewarding. Let’s help you in that learning.

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