money in the couple

The relationship that each member of the couple maintains with money plan on them from the first date. One insists on inviting the other, but this maybe you prefer to pay half so as not to feel indebted; the former, on the other hand, considers it contemptuous not to accept the invitation and is offended.

Something similar occurs when making decisions about the resources that will be used for leisure time. She – who has spent part of her savings enrolling in a master’s degree – prefers to spend just enough; he – a supporter of “getting the most out of life” – wants to spend the summer in Hawaii…

It is curious how two people who are Thinking of starting a cohabitation they can explain important details of their sexual life, inquire about their wishes for fatherhood or their professional ambitions but, instead, maintain a fearful Silent about your expectations regarding money and to the distribution of property in the couple.

Why do we have to talk about money?

“When I’m in love, I don’t think about money”said a young man proudly. “Money can’t spoil the union of two people who truly love each other,” said a thirty-year-old woman, two weeks before her wedding. And it is that themyths of romantic love they continue to nestle in our brains, as part of an ancient legacy.

The idea that when there is love, things resolve spontaneously activates the fear of being misunderstood if money issues are addressed. The mere fact of thinking about base metal is interpreted as a sign of selfishness and sow doubts about the intentions with which someone approaches the couple.

No one fights over money in romance stories, and no one buys or sells anything in fairy tales.

But a few months of coexistence are enough to see that things are not so easy or automatic. Now it turns out that he assumed that she would dedicate a part of her salary to her savings and that she does not want to spare resources to finish fixing the house. He always thought they would keep separate accounts; she feels that if the economies are not united, it is that he has fear of compromise or, even worse, he doesn’t love her!

What is serious is not that two people have divergent priorities or visions, but the different meanings that each person gives to money, something neutral in itself. Claiming one’s own desires can be understood as “you want to impose yourself on me”; disagreeing with a proposal could be interpreted as “You underestimate me, mine is not important to you”… And it is that you cannot talk about money without also talking about reciprocity, power, your own fears, what will happen if we separate…

It is preferable to speak clearly about money, because nothing can undermine the relationship as much as what is left unsaid or taken for granted. When you act as if money doesn’t matter, you run the risk of misunderstandings or the offenses are piling up to a point from which there is no return.

Why is it hard to talk about money?

The first exchanges take place in the family itself: there we learn to give and receive in a particular and specific way. The relationship our parents had with moneythe way of earning it, managing it, spending it, losing it, the priority given to it… marked the family dynamics of that time and left a mark that, somehow, conditions us.

They may have conveyed to us that you have to work hard to earn a good salary; that no need to brag of wealth or that you have to help those most in need. Maybe the mother wanted to divorce but could not due to lack of resources and has transmitted to his daughter the idea that we must be self-sufficient at all costs. Another son could always joyfully access what you wanted and, as an adult, his tendency inclines him to spend at every moment what it has.

As a couple, talking about all this helps to understand why the other is the way he is and to feel more empathy towards his fears regarding money, which there always are.

When two people come together, so do their personal histories and their conditioning factors. It’s not about one convincing the other. that their vision is better, nor that –for fear of losing the relationship– one member of the couple forgets himself and fully accepts the other’s model.

On the contrary, it is about recognizing the origins and devoting effort to build a common and own modelwith the best of each one, taking advantage of the experiences and resources that were useful to previous generations.

It’s good answer questions such as: Why do I have so much difficulty in changing my habits? Where is it written that the model developed by my family is better than yours? What prevents me from imagining that I could act otherwise? The answers may be different and it will even be possible to recognize a certain feeling of disloyalty towards one’s family. But all this is part of the process of building a satisfying couple.

It is not enough to be in love, you have to Verify that we are compatible and accommodate our differences to create their own reality, in the image of each one and of both at the same time.

How to manage money as a couple?

Yesteryear gender roles were very marked -one was dedicated to earning money and the other to take care of the house and the children-, there was no other option but to function with a single economy.

As women have been entering the world of workthat more than one salary has been needed, that the divorce rates have skyrocketed and that the family structure has become more complexanother has been imposed multiform model. Let’s see some examples:

“United in love and money”

it gets all in common to use it in a uniform and equitable way. It derives from a reformed vision of the myth that associates love with full fusion between two people. The difficulties to be addressed then have to do with:

The need to distinguish between personal expenses and common expenses.The wealth management if a member is very spendthrift or very stingy.find a balance when the level of expenses of each one is very different. Discuss often if the economic priorities are not very well established. The system could mask a desire for control since you have access to the smallest details of the other’s expenses.

“Not without my personal account”

Each member of the couple keeps their personal account and both deposit the same amount each month into a common account. All expenses of the couple are paid in half. stems from the desire to achieve full equality. In this model everyone feels free and autonomous to assume personal expenses according to your priorities. Difficulties arise if:

The income level is very different and there is no agreement on the standard of living that one wishes to lead. The one who earns less does not find fair distribute the expenses equitably. acquire important goods –like a home– the one who contributes the most does not find it fair that the property is established in an equitable manner.

“We assume the differences”

It is a variation of the previous model. represents a attempt to resolve discomfort generated when the level of income of each member of the couple is very unequal.

Deposits in the joint account are made based on a previously established pro rata by the spouses.

“I value your work at home”

derived from an attempt to improve fusion model when one of the two does not carry out any paid activity. Even though the contribution in the form of work at home and the educational work of children can be recognized as very valuable by the other, who is in this situation can harbor feelings of inferiority or dependency.

Therefore, a certain amount is established that, who takes care of the home, will manage autonomouslybeing able, in addition, to use the remaining amount –if any– for personal expenses.

There are therefore many formulas and the one that is adopted many times will have to be reformed. The final version, however, cannot be reached without emotions are listened to and accepted with respect and affection from the other, such as:

Bear, especially in the case of men, let the couple earn more.Work, although you would prefer to take care of the house and the children, because You do not want to be financially dependent on the other.find less attractive to a woman who does not work outside the home. To think that we will have to stay together, even if the couple fails, because separation is not economically viable.Feeling that if you do not earn the same as the couple a debt is accumulating that it will not be possible to pay. That one of the two families help financially and the other does not. That a family contributes money but the other member of the couple seems to feel towards them more hostility than gratitude.

Lots of people feel things like this, and because talking about money is so hard, everyone still thinks they’re different and tends to live misunderstanding and anguish alone. But it is preferable to break down that wall of silence in the couple.

It does not compromise the feelings to put the subject on the table, clarify how important it can be for one and listen to what the other has to say. Acting in this way allows consider the problems and address them more effectively. Doing so also represents a act of loving delivery that is only possible when someone opens their intimacy to the other.

How to talk about money with love?

Putting clarity on economic issues allows us to build a more fruitful and mature intimacywith fewer taboos and more involvement.

Talking about money is also romantic because means opening intimacy to the other, reveals how we are; It means showing one’s own fears and connects with the deepest values ​​and desires of each one. And, above all, because it implies talk about expectations that are held with respect to the relationship and denotes that it is desired listen to the couple, get to know them and build something in common.

If it is not clear point of the conversation, you can start by:

Provenance. Talk about your parents: how they organized themselves in economic matters, what difficulties they faced, what strategies were useful to them, what events marked them…The conditions. Remember how and what money was spent at home. Was anyone wasteful? Was there an obsession with saving? Did they flaunt what they had?The priorities. Observe what your partner spent money on before you met, talk about what you dream of having… If you were very tight on money, what things could you do without and what not?The organization. Talk openly about how you would like to organize yourselves in terms of money, current accounts, expenses, property…And if we split up? Commenting on this eventuality is not “calling bad weather”. On the contrary, having discussed it from the beginning facilitates that, if necessary, they can make more temperate decisions.

Lastly, these five tips They will help the couple maintain a positive vision and communicate more efficiently:

Learn to appreciate what you have instead of being uselessly bitter about everything that is not within your reach.Scrupulously respect the agreements on how to use the money that you have reached and avoid “underhand” strategies.If you don’t just see it clearlyspeak it again without ambiguity. Understand what the messages are…