Mirror theory: deep wounds that break relationships

Have you ever wondered what happens when you connect with another person and some time later you discover aspects that you don’t quite like? Jacques Lacan’s mirror theory helps us understand this process.

According to the author, The construction of our personal identity occurs through the capture of oneself in others. In this way, the relationships we have with others are reflections or projections of aspects of our personality that we like or don’t like.

The mirror stage: the beginning of identity

As mentioned, the law of the mirror is based on the concept of projection, coined by Carl Gustav Jung, Freud’s famous apprentice. Jacques Lacan, displaying his attempt to revive psychoanalysis from a renewed perspective, defined a new stage of childhood: the stage of the mirror.

Connect with others through projection.

Between 6 and 18 months of age, when the infant is already able to recognize himself in the mirror, this phase begins. At this moment, the little one is able for the first time to create a visual image of himself, but he does so through a split (no one can see himself). During this process the self, the identity, would be configured.

However, it is done through an external image. Therefore, the recognition of oneself would be done, according to this author, through the other, although this other is the reflection.

The next step would be splitting: when the infant realizes that the image is just that, just a reflection. At this moment, one’s own identity is separated from what is seen in the mirror. In this sense, when one’s identity is formed through an image, an “other”, projection would be a natural part of relationships.

What is the mirror theory?

Just as there are parts of our body and image that we don’t like when we look in the mirror, there are also aspects of our personality that we don’t accept. On this last case, we find in the other reflections that we unconsciously reject from ourselves.

That is, in some way Those traits that we least like in others are aspects that are present in us but that we reject.. Thus, what we dislike in others we also dislike in ourselves.

Now, we are constantly projecting a part of ourselves. Thus, the mirror theory is a vision that proposes a change of focus: from having to protect ourselves from the other so that they do not harm us to a vision from which the question arises: “why am I living this situation with this person and why?” Is there what I can’t stand in her in me?

So, when we are not able to see our own shadows and even virtues, Life gives us the gift of the relationships we live to show us what is in us. The other acts as a mirror for us, reflecting us and giving us the opportunity to find ourselves.

Direct or reverse mirror

The mirror theory can act in a direct or inverse way. Let’s take an example. Imagine that you can’t stand the selfishness of your partner or friend. In this case, the direct way would be that you are projecting that part of you that is selfish and that you reject.

But, If he acted in the opposite way, this person could be reflecting to you how little you value your interests.. Maybe you are always looking out for others and putting other people before yourself. So, in one way or another, it is providing you with very valuable information for your knowledge and evolution.

The four laws of mirror theory

Now, to have a clearer idea of ​​how the mirror theory impacts us, let’s take into account the laws that govern it. The following have been described:

What bothers or wants to change about others is also in you: This is the most direct application of the projection described by the mirror theory. What makes others uncomfortable also exists within you, so it is worth analyzing yourself at this time.Likewise, everything that pleases others is also within you: projection is not always about the negative. However, you should pay attention to feelings of envy, as you could have the perception that the other person has something that you don’t without being aware that the opposite is true. Lacan also uses the triangle of envy, where the comparison is not made with the other, but with his ideal.Accepting criticism and judgments requires analyzing yourself: When the judgment of others causes harm, Lacan affirms that it is thanks to repression. That is, this criticism could point out something real that is not consciously perceived, so introspection must be done to resolve the discomfort.What others criticize you, they also carry inside: Just as it happens with you, it happens with others. When they criticize they are also projecting something from within.

Emotional wounds and mirror theory

We all have emotional wounds. These have their origin in painful and traumatic moments in our lives that we have not been able to overcome and accept. When we forget about our wounds, they end up forming part of our unconscious and influencing our thoughts, moods and behavior.

Thus, on many occasions, we find in our partner deficiencies very similar to ours. And that is what causes union. For example, two people who suffered a lot for love meet and discover that love is not suffering. This couple has been united by the same wound. Both are made of reflection. But you have to be careful, because the wounds that unite can also separate.

If each member of the couple did not heal their wounds, sooner or later they would begin to deteriorate the relationship. Insecurities, fears, jealousy, possession… It is as if life tried to send you reflections that will show you the path to follow to grow.

Therefore, if you do not analyze them and pay attention to the information they give you, you will not evolve (or you will evolve more slowly) and your relationships will be more fragile. Therefore, the links we maintain with others, taking into account the mirror theory, can provide us with very valuable information about ourselves and the state of those wounds that we have not yet integrated into our history.

How to apply mirror theory to your advantage

Mirror theory is an excellent tool to look inside ourselves and work on those aspects of personality that interfere with our growth. Therefore, we can use it to our advantage in the following way:

Reflect every time something bothers you about another or makes you envious. and analyze whether said aspect is reflecting something internal of your own. For example, if someone’s behavior irritates you, analyze to what extent you act that way, in what situations, and with whom.Accept that it is an aspect of your personality. Accepting that within ourselves we find aspects that we reject is usually not an easy task. Precisely for this reason, our psyche projects them on others as a defense mechanism. Therefore, we must be able to accept reality, no matter how hard it may be.Identify what you want to change and how. If it bothers you that the other person is arrogant, perhaps that is what you need to change about yourself to be better with yourself and with others. As a result, once you have identified what you want to improve, think about what actions you can take to overcome that problem.Lean on others. You can talk to your closest circle about your projections and check with them if, in fact, you meet the qualities that bother you in the other person. They can give you another perspective on who you are, which is very valuable.

Projection throughout history

The concept of projection, or how we reflect on each other in our interactions, is an issue addressed by philosophy, psychology, and sociology, among other disciplines. It is undeniable that others, whether physical or our reflection in the Lacanian mirror, play an essential role in the construction of one’s own identity.

But this is precisely what we can play with to continue growing as people. We will never be able to see our own face if it is not through someone else’s, but this can be the tool with which we access our most uncomfortable repressions. And you, how do you reflect on others?

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