Lies in adolescents: what to do?

Lies in adolescents are an everyday phenomenon, just like for the rest of human beings in other stages of life. In fact, we consider the act of lying a milestone in the early stages of childhood life, because it represents an advance in the child’s cognitive development and theory of mind. The fact that he can do this means that he is able to work on a mental level with an imaginary reality, a skill that requires advanced cognitive ability.

In adolescence, lying can become a problem when it becomes a frequent or preferred coping strategy. This pattern is no less frequent in adolescents than in children or adults, in fact the opposite has been found, adolescents are more likely to lie, especially to their parents.

In research conducted by Arnett et al. (2004), it was found that Teenagers frequently lie to their parents and that they use lies as a way to affirm the right to autonomy. They also found that adolescents reported more lies compared to a sample of emerging adults.

In another study carried out by Levine et al. (2013), it was found that Teenagers lie more often than college students or adults. On average, it was found that they reported telling 4.10 lies in the last 24 hours. 75% more than university students and 150% more than adults -according to each group-.

Ways of lying among teenagers

People can lie in at least two ways:

By omission: It consists of not intentionally sharing information.By commission: consists of bearing witness to something different from what has actually happened. These types of lies don’t just refer to facts. For example, we can pretend that we think one option is correct, when in reality we believe it is another.

On many occasions, people combine another strategy with omission: avoidance. We try not to meet some people so we don’t have to lie to them.

What motivates lying in adolescents?

One of the reasons why teenagers lie to their parents is because they try reaffirm mastery and autonomy in decision making. We must remember that adolescence is a stage of development in which autonomy is important. This is defined by Erikson (as cited in Papalia, 2017) as a ‘coherent conception of the self, composed of goals, values ​​and beliefs with which the person establishes a solid commitment’ (p.357).

Frequently, lying in adolescents is due to excessive control that parents exercise over them. Arnett et al. (2004) found in their research that The more control the parents exerted, the more likely the teens were to lie. This can lead to perpetuating the lie-control cycle, because parents, upon realizing that their children are lying to them, tend to be even more controlling.

They also lie out of fear or shame, to get something, to protect someone, to not face the consequences of the truth (Martins and Carvalho, 2019). They might do it to cover up emotions or feelings that they don’t want to share with their parents. When there are many problems at home, adolescents avoid telling the truth so as not to increase the number.

Psychologist Kate Aubrey proposes five reasons for lying in adolescents:

To avoid problems.To avoid disappointing parents.Because of social pressure, for example, not to miss a party or activity with friends.Poor communication. If the adolescent feels that he will not be understood, listened to or respected, she will avoid communication. Out of control, which is important to develop her autonomy.

What to do before lying in adolescents?

Chris Hudson, youth specialist and parenting coach, proposes eight ways to confront and reduce teen lying:

1. Connected relationships

A connected relationship requires good communication. How receptive are we to hearing certain truths?

Sometimes teens lie because they know their parents don’t want to hear the truth. For certain confidences, it is necessary that there be a climate of trust.

2. Honesty model

One of the main ways people learn is by observation and teenagers are no exception. Teach him by your example to be honestlet him see that you are a model of honesty and not simply a person who “preaches.”

With what authority will you tell your teenager not to tell lies if you constantly use them?

3. Negotiate

Learn to Negotiate limits with the adolescent, so that they feel like an imposition on us. When a person’s freedom is prohibited or restricted, the most normal reaction is for him to try to restore it by acting in the opposite way. By negotiating, the adolescent reduces the perception of being controlled and increases her feeling of autonomy by being a participant in decision-making.

4. Avoid interrogations, stimulate conversations

If your child has lied to you, try to have a conversation with him peacefully. Even if she is feeling a lot of anger, try to calm down before having a conversation. When angry, you will be less open to listening to your child and understanding the reasons why he lied. Remember communicate assertively and be clear about what you want to teach your child and how you will do it.

5. Don’t cheat

Since lying in teenagers is very common, if you discover the truth, avoid waiting for the opportunity to catch the teenager “red-handed.” Remember that hiding the truth is a form of lying, so you would be committing what you want your child not to do.

6. Use punishments proportionately and intelligently

The way you respond to your teenager’s behavior will greatly affect his future behavior. If you impose a punishment that is disproportionate to the offense, what you can sow in the teenager is fear.

When you discipline, try to keep in mind what you want to teach and find appropriate ways to do it.. Explain the reasons why you should not do what you are punishing. Communicate assertively and listen to what your child has to say.

7. Don’t label

Don’t define your teenager as a liar because it can make him continue behaving as such, in order to reaffirm said “identity”.

The way we name and label people shapes the way we behave towards them. If you label your child as a liar, it is more likely that he will end up behaving like one.

8. Pay attention

Be alert to your child’s lies and talk to him about his motivations.. This will help you understand a little about the way your child relates and the intentions that lead him to lie. Once you identify the why, invite your child to reflect on new ways of dealing with situations and the importance of sincerity. Don’t focus so much on the lie, but on the reasons behind it.

Lies in adolescents are very common and have multiple causes. To deal with them and the difficulties they cause at the family level, one of the main strategies is to make a change in the relationship with the young person and generate spaces for assertive dialogue that allow us to understand the dynamics and reasons why they resort to lying. .

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