Learn to forgive yourself and turn the page

When you do not act as you should, becoming aware that you have not acted well marks a turning point to correct the error, but When guilt prevents you from moving forward, you need to make peace with yourself and forgive yourself.

From an early age, parents, teachers and elders they teach us an ethical code about what is right and what is wrong.

So we know that not hurting anyone, helping others, being a worker, acting with common sense, complying with the principles valued by the community… has a reward: being accepted in the immediate environment.

On the contrary, hurt others, not comply with the obligations family and social, being selfish… he is punished with disapproval, lack of affection and exclusion.

This internalization of what is right and what is wrong, as well as the experiences of the first years of life, largely shape the way in which each person deals with feelings such as guilt or self-demand and are in the basis of your self-esteem.

Guilt can strike at any time. This feeling points its index finger at us, exposing us, reproaching us for an action that perhaps had unfortunate consequences for other people, such as an accident, or emotionally hurt a friend or partner. Other times the guilt is felt for not having been able to prevent the death of a loved one.

Often, however, appears by minor actions to which an exacerbated importance has been given, for not having achieved the objectives that were desired or for having betrayed their own principles or beliefs. In these cases it is common to lament and punish yourself. And one becomes his most implacable judge.

What is guilt for?

Initially, Guilt has the utility of making those who feel it see that at a certain moment they were wrong Or perhaps you acted badly and harmed other people. Upon acknowledging the error or fault, the decision can be made to not to commit them again and even, if there has been wrong, of repair it when possible.

But sometimes that feeling of guilt is ignored. Or fall into self-punishment, either because the damage that was caused was very serious or because it is perceived as such without having been. Then the feeling of guilt can become entrenched. The person remains anchored in the pastwithout giving herself the opportunity to make peace with herself, and it is likely that she even puts herself down.

The grudge and angertowards oneself but also towards others, Above all, they harm those who feel them and can even lead to health problems. The body accuses them with greater stiffness in the muscles and joints, a worse functioning of the immune system, digestive problems and an increase in blood pressure.

those feelings too make it more difficult to enjoy the present or interact normally with others, and feed sadness and decay. Forgiving yourself or forgiving opens the way to leaving the past behind and betting on your own happiness.

you have the right to be wrong

However, breaking free of that particular wailing wall is not easy. After the difficulty to forgive themselves or others they can hide aspects of personality cultivated from childhood, such as low self-esteem or excessive perfectionism.

Maybe someone who feels guilty was asked too much of him when he was little and learned that to please others he had to be infallible. And now, when as an adult something happens that is beyond your control and questions his actions, he punishes himself without being able to avoid it and feels like a failure.

Overcoming guilt happens in these cases by accept failures and mistakes assuming one’s own imperfection, as well as for understanding that parents and teachers educate as best they know when they have to. They aren’t perfect either. its criteria are not always fair nor are its truths absolute.

It also happens to assume that, Contrary to what is believed or desired, you cannot control everything and that events sometimes escape our will. We are not perfect, but “human, all too human” as Nietzsche would say, and we have the right to be wrong, to learn from experiences and ask for forgiveness if we offend or affect other people.

But we also have the right to forgive and free ourselves from the burden of resentment.

Psychologist and professor of cognitive therapy Walter Riso in his book matter of dignitypublished by Granica, affirms: “It is one thing to accept that I must change because I have been wrong and another to condemn myself as a human being. Healthy self-criticism is the one that comes from self-love: I criticize myself because I love myself and want to improve and not out of self-contempt, since I am much more than my mistakes”.

In order to forgive, stop judging

Just as important as the above is Stop making negative judgments about yourself and others. Thoughts are the prelude to actions and what is projected in daily life.

Generate a mental discourse in which the person is accused and punished when something doesn’t go as expected or keeping a circular thought about someone who has let her down it only feeds remorse.

The mind, by recreating what happened over and over again, sows hatred and aversion towards oneself or towards the other, which poisons existence. and creates a loop that is difficult to get out of. Trials end up creating a fantasy in the mind that does not correspond to reality.

Phrases like “I’m too clumsy”, “I’ll never get what I set out to do”, “I always screw up everything”… apart from paralyzing and making you feel miserable, predispose to the fulfillment of what is feared or prophesied.

If because of a stumble you think that you are a disaster and that you will never get what you want, it will surely end up happening that way, since nothing will be done to prevent it. On the contrary, be understanding with yourself and saying phrases like “This time I was wrong, the fall was big, but I can do things better and I’ll come back”, Lets give yourself another chance.

Without forgiveness there is no learning (or calm)

forgive yourself and forgive They can be seen as two sides of the same coin. They do not consist in forgetting the mistakes or bad deeds, but in seeing the humanity in oneself and in others to give yourself a chance to change.

When you are the affected or aggrieved person, it is important to take time to reflect on what happened and see, from a distance, its real reach. Sometimes, once the damage has been done, we believe that a reconciliation will be impossible, but over time things tend to soften and be interpreted in a different way.

A good option to make peace with the other is to make an effort to see him as an equal, without feeling morally superior or feeding victimhood.

There are times when it is difficult to forgive out of pride, for not giving up, since it is thought that asking for forgiveness could be seen as a sign of weakness. But maintaining that position of power only harms the person who maintains it, since it prevents you from freeing yourself from the burden of living with a grudge.

to make up it helps to think that the offender is also a victim of his own limitations, their fears, their culture or the circumstances that they have had to live. Instead of cringing or hardening at the sight or thought of that person, it’s freeing to open your heart and practice kindness, difficult as it may be at times.

Cultivating good feelings and empathy can put an end to the conflicts that remain with life. You stop seeing the world as a hostile place and focus your attention on what others do or say to focus on the present and enjoy compassion.

Opening the heart leads one to think that there are no good or bad, only circumstances in which challenges are attracted to life that pose another level in personal evolution. feel that you can transfer hatred and resentment, and transmute them into love It is one of the biggest challenges we can face.

Free yourself from guilt, victimhood and resentment It really allows us to turn the page and constitutes an engine of change that helps to grow humanly and spiritually.

The keys to forgive yourself and turn the page: where to start?

forgiving implies put an end to conflicts that anchor the past and they keep altering us when we think about them. Accepting what happened in a new light is sometimes enough to put them behind you, but there are ways to facilitate that closure.

Assume the responsibility. The first step to forgiving yourself is to take responsibility for your own actions, face them and accept that you did wrong. It involves being able to say, “I’ve learned from this, I can make amends and be different.”accept imperfection. Sometimes regret hides the frustrated desire to have been perfect or that circumstances would have been favorable to us. Acknowledging mistakes and accepting yourself despite them, or assuming that we can’t control everything, helps to forgive yourself and make the decision to change or to walk forward again.Apologize. It may be enough to experience forgiveness as an internal liberation process, but sometimes you feel you have to apologize. Apology can be very liberating, as long as it is done from the heart and without expectations.

The other person may not be willing to forgive and you must be prepared to accept it. To expect otherwise is to set yourself up for anger. You have to respect how the other person feels.

Write. Sometimes it is not possible to apologize because the other person is no longer there or does not want to listen. Or you may think that talking would make things worse. In those cases, writing an apology or putting your own truth in writing helps to clarify what you think and feel.Visualize. You can spend a few minutes imagining how you hug the person who has been harmed, and ask for forgiveness, but understanding your reasons if you are still angry.Repair the damage. Any compensation must be made without expecting forgiveness or thanks in return. Forgiveness must come from oneself and it is impossible to buy it.Confess. Acknowledging your own mistakes and transgressions to someone you trust can alleviate the guilt. It helps to distance yourself and discover that you are still acceptable.

Beyond the guilt and shame

maybe the best help against negative internal discourses is treat each other with love and take care of the “inner child”knowing that one is responsible for his own life and can choose to change at any time.

in his book Forgive, robin casarjian proposes exercises to visualize yourself receiving the unconditional love and respect of which we are all worthy. This helps free yourself from the feeling of guilt:

take a few minutes to Breathe slowly.Remember a recent occasion when you thought you weren’t worth enough or felt guilty or ashamed. Think about how you felt. Take a deep breath and let go of that experience.Go back to when you were a child, to the first time you felt this way.and imagine yourself accompanied by the affectionate and understanding person you are today.Listen to your child self and support it telling you what you need to hear.From the role of the child, feel as that love support you and accept it.