Jealousy: definition, symptoms and causes

“If he is jealous it is because he loves you”, “I am jealous because I love you”, “worry when I stop being jealous, because it means that I am no longer in love with you.” These are phrases that perhaps we have all heard, and even said at some point. However, it is worth clarifying that these expressions correspond to the story of romantic love, which justifies, equalizes and validates jealousy as a demonstration of love.

Few emotions are as complex as jealousy. However, we must be clear: These do not show love. In reality, they are an emotional response to the fear of losing something that we assume belongs to us. An idea, without a doubt, highly worrying and negative.

The rival of jealousy is not someone made of flesh and blood, but the image of what one wants to become.

What is jealousy?

We feel jealous when we perceive the threat that someone will take away the person we love (be it a friend, a family member, a romantic partner, etc.) or when we believe that they have already been taken away from us. According to the APA Dictionary: “Jealousy requires a triangle of social relationships between three individuals: the one who is jealous, the partner with whom the jealous individual has or desires a relationship, and the rival who represents a preemptive threat to that relationship.” ».

A study published in the journal Athenea Digital notes that: “jealousy is likely to occur in response to the threat of a rival who is superior to the jealous person in ways that are important to his or her self-concept.” What does this mean? That We will feel jealous of those “rivals” who we believe are superior to us.

At first, our vision of reality begins to cloud as our levels of suspicion and anger increase. We perceive that the loved one pays more attention to another and is even more affectionate or, at least, we think so. For example, we observe that he shows aspects of his way of being that we thought were only reserved for us. What’s going on?

Jealousy can be imagined, That is, created from small details that we shape in our minds without having any type of evidence or indications. In these cases, the problem to be solved is within us. However, can be supported by objective reality: our partner has fallen in love with another person. Not all relationships last the same, and we must take this aspect into account.

On the other hand, these situations not only appear within the couple, but also in families. When a couple decides to have a second child, the first-born may feel jealous if they believe that with the birth of their brother they will receive less attention and love from their parents. For this reason, the eldest child can make life impossible for the little one and present conflicting behaviors with his parents and his environment.

The usefulness of jealousy

Jealousy They are an alarm signal that informs us of the existence of a real or unreal danger. This risk is nothing other than the fear of losing the affection of our loved one. They are emotional realities that are usually accompanied by the feeling of abandonment, uncertainty, frustration and exclusion.

This emotion is related to feelings of insecurity. It is common to experience this feeling when we see people who we perceive or evaluate as more competent than us and, above all, when we fear losing that bond with our partners or friends.

So, jealousy not only occurs in the romantic context, but also in the family, academic, social, work, etc. That is why they have been present in all cultures for thousands of years, forming part of songs, myths, legends, books and of course, scientific research.

In short, what is its use? A group of psychologists from the University of Western Ontario, Canada, carried out an interesting study in 2017. According to this work, published in Personality and Individual Differences, Jealousy, at first, serves to tell us that there is something to resolve in our relationship or even in ourselves.

The researchers also differentiate three ways in which they manifest: emotionally, cognitively and behaviorally. There are those who feel them but do not express them and there are those who take them to the limit, through obsessive, controlling and persecutory behaviors.

Symptoms of jealousy

Jealousy is expressed differently, depending on the person who experiences it. However, we can find some common presentations that range from the cognitive to the behavioral, including the emotional dimension. Let’s see.

Cognitive Component

The mental dimension is related to all those beliefs, thoughts and ideas that emerge in the face of perceived threat. The most frequent manifestations at a cognitive level are the following:

Intrusive thoughts of betrayalIdeas of inadequacy and insecurityDisproportionate comparisonsObsessionsMistrustMisinterpretations of situations

Thoughts and beliefs tend to be very recurrent and cause emotional discomfort. It is pertinent to clarify that the content of the mind does not always reflect the reality of the circumstances and may be the product of a distortion in the processing of information.

Component Emotional

Jealousy can generate different emotional reactions that affect not only the life of the person who feels it, but also the relationship they have with the other person. Among the most notable responses are the following:

SadnessAnxietyHopelessnessAngerShameBetrayal

These symptoms harm interpersonal relationships and people’s emotional well-being. Therefore, it is pertinent to receive professional help when jealousy interferes with our relationships and dominates us.

Component Behavioral

The behavior of the jealous person is usually mediated by cognitive and emotional symptoms. Some of the most common behavioral responses are the following:

Control and possession behaviorsSupervision and surveillanceAggressive behaviorsSearch for frequent contact with the other personVengeful and/or emotional dependence behaviors

Both cognitive, emotional and behavioral symptoms They have the power to negatively affect the quality of relationships and the emotional stability of people.

Healthy Jealousy vs. pathological

As we mentioned previously, jealousy is an emotion that appears in multiple contexts, such as romantic relationships, friendship or even at work. However, there is a difference between those considered healthy and those considered pathological. The former are part of human relationships, while the latter are a sign of serious emotional or psychological problems.

When jealousy becomes a pathology

There comes a time when, far from being a deficit in emotional management, jealousy becomes a pathological condition. This occurs when ideas of insecurity about a partner’s fidelity become an obsession.

The person becomes irritable and overreacts to the partner’s actions. In these cases, psychological intervention is necessary. Let’s look at some conditions.

Obsessive jealousy

According to a study published in Danubina Psychiatry obsessive jealousy is characterized by rituals of verification, verification and prohibitions to your couple. The subject has these behaviors:

Check phone messages, emails and all social networks where you know your partner has an account. Confront the other person every time you doubt a photo, message or call. Call frequently and visit your partner by surprise just to verify that he is where he said he would be. Keep family members away, think that they may be carrying messages from potential lovers. Keep friends of the opposite sex away to prevent infidelity. Some even distance friends of the same sex thinking that their partner could be homosexual.He distances those friends who he believes could harm him or speak badly of the couple.

Jealous people By having constant checking behaviors, they feed their anxiety states much more, anguish, worry and distrust. In addition, they present emotional discomfort caused by distorted thoughts:

They do not consider themselves attractive enough. They are afraid of being alone. They feel that anyone could be better than them and could steal their partner’s love. They experience a constant feeling of insecurity.

Delusional jealousy

They are characterized because the jealous person is convinced of the guilt of their partner, when there is little evidence. Thus, jealousy is excessive and self-reinforcing (any detail can be evidence that it is reasonable). While in delusional people the person looks for a lover who they believe already exists.

The individual adopts an attitude of surveillance and distrust, and the person being monitored adopts attitudes of reserve and resentment. Both are suffering and mutually “reinforcing” each other’s behavior. The jealous man becomes more and more vigilant, his partner becomes more and more reserved.

He even regrets making his partner suffer, something that does not prevent his feelings from being activated by any stimulus. On many occasions, she ends up attacking, whether verbally, physically or psychologically. Once tempers calm down, the person returns to the beginning of the circle asking for forgiveness.

Healthy and adaptive jealousy

Jealousy is not always destructive pathological. Sometimes, they can be attended to in a mature way to take advantage of them. In this way, they contribute to reestablishing a relationship and strengthening it, managing to move forward together in the midst of difficulties.

Jealousy and fear

Sometimes, when we feel neglected and experience that the person we love is putting their focus on other people, jealousy appears. The alarm is activated, which It serves to mobilize us and realize our fears.

Let’s go for a moment to our childhood. What usually happens when there are two children in a room and the adults pay attention to only one? Or when an only child realizes that she is no longer one? TO Yes, this is how this emotion begins, with the intention of guaranteeing our survival..

The Jealousy is “healthy” when we pay attention to this alarm, trying to enrich ourselves with the warning to mature. Being able to express it in words and become aware of our fears—for which only we are responsible—can help us integrate them intelligently into the situation or context that causes them.

Main causes of jealousy

In the 90s, an extensive study was carried out by New York University that sought to understand the root of jealousy . The results revealed something that the psychologists themselves already sensed: behind this emotion is insecurity, low self-esteem and, above all, an upbringing where there was no healthy attachment. Other causes are:

Lack of trust: A person may feel jealous because they do not trust their partner’s fidelity. This lack of trust can be due to different factors: the dishonesty of the other,…