Jealousy between friends, why does it happen?

Jealousy between friends exists. Sometimes, they are innocent and the simple result of that type of normal, human emotion. In other cases, they constitute a germ. They can be the sudden trigger of concern, misunderstandings and that starting point in which jealousy ends up leading to a tension that pricks, that bothers and that hurts the friendship relationship.

John Dryden, a 17th-century poet, said that “jealousy is the jaundice of the soul.” It is true, in many cases they not only poison a relationship (of any kind), they also harm the person who experiences them. However, from a psychological point of view they are conceived as an understandable and quite common process. All of us have felt them at some point.

Seeing that one of our dearest friends seeks the trust of other people to share certain thoughts or experiences can bother us. This happens to a greater extent in childhood, adolescence and early youth. Thus, as we mature, (on average) we stop conceiving relationships as “possessions” and build healthier bonds, free of jealousy, resentment and reproaches.

Now, that sense of maturity does not appear in everyone. Even though we are already living adult lives, more than one of us carries that jealous friend, that figure capable of holding certain things and certain actions against us. Codependent relationships also appear in this relational area.

Jealousy between friends: characteristics, causes and actions

Molière said that the jealous person loves more, but the one who is not jealous, loves better. It’s true. Jealousy distorts the concept of affection, appreciation, admiration, passion and friendship. It is a dimension that clouds and creates captives on both sides, both in those who experience them and in those who suffer them. Thus, jealousy between friends traces a series of unique realities that are not talked about so often.

We know that in couple relationships they are highly harmful and in the friendship scenario we can also reach this extreme. It is important to keep in mind that jealousy is not the same as envy.: while the former define that uncomfortable feeling at the idea of ​​losing something valuable in the hands of a third party; The second focuses on that distressing experience of desiring something that the other person possesses.

Let us, therefore, analyze in detail that complex and unique prism that defines jealousy between friendships.

How does jealousy manifest between friends?

Jealousy has no age or gender. We can feel them at any time and circumstance to the point that it is common for them to manifest in friendships and in adulthood. The modes in which they usually appear are the following:

A person may view with suspicion the fact that a friend shares time, confidences and thoughts with a third figure. It is as if they feel that they, and only them, have exclusivity for everything in our lives. A friend can experience jealousy even of partners.They are people who never stop demanding things: favors, hours to talk, speed to respond to mobile messages, revealing what we do and what we don’t do at every moment, etc.They very often show possessive attitudes in which threats are not lacking: “If you end up going with that other friend of yours, I will stop talking to you. If you don’t meet me today you are showing that you don’t care about me.”

Thus, while in primary school we did not hesitate to say that about “already “I won’t be your friend if you do this or that.”in adulthood that message continues to appear, although in a more camouflaged and less innocent way.

Causes of celopathic behavior among friends

Psychology professor Peter DeScioli from the University of Pennsylvania conducted a study based on the analysis of interaction in various social networks. He wanted to know how we build our relationships, how we create alliances and what is the reason why disputes, differences and jealousy arise.

On the one hand, We know that jealousy is another type of emotion. So much so, that evolutionary psychologists have spent years researching jealousy. From this approach, they are conceived as a need to possess, to preserve those figures that guarantee our survival and well-being. Another aspect that would be Behind jealousy between friends is insecurity and low self-esteem. It occurs when someone focuses on that friendship for a large part of their life: it is their support, their cloth of tears, their confidant, that ally to have a good time… If that figure fails, their whole world collapses. In a study by Dr. Jeffrey G. Parker, from Sacred Heart University in Connecticut, on jealousy in adolescents, an interesting aspect was discovered. Behind celopathic behavior there were psychological problems and also a certain marginality. Sometimes, if a child comes from a broken and deprived family, he focuses on his friends as his only support.

The same thing happens in adulthood. Sometimes, the personal environment (family, partner, etc.) does not contribute to our well-being and we turn our escape valve and our only focus of support to one or more friendships.

What can I do if I have a jealous friend?

Jealousy between friends can be problematic, especially if possessive behavior, hypervigilance, and even demandingness arise. The most appropriate thing in these situations is to reflect on some of these guidelines:

We must explain to the jealous friend that his behavior is inappropriate and we cannot accept it.Jealousy has no place in any type of relationship. They don’t appreciate us more because we experience this emotion. Jealousy hurts and it is necessary to set limits early. As much as possible, It is appropriate to understand what is behind said behavior. Is it low self-esteem? Does our friendship have a problem developing such a dependence on us? Understanding better allows us to act more intelligently (and correctly).We will not change our lifestyle by the demands of the jealous friend.

In the event that these dynamics reach extreme limits (such as affecting our relationship, for example) it is necessary to make more serious decisions. Friendship is understanding, trust, freedom and a bond that encourages us and makes us grow. If what we experience is coercion, perhaps it is time to let that person go… Let’s reflect on it.

How to overcome jealousy

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