When I was younger, I was part of the team of women who plan their entire lives as if they could control the future. Well, a lot of women are like that, you have to agree with me.

At the age of 17 and at the height of my first relationship — which lasted almost 7 years — I started to architect what my life would be like. I would get married at 20, at 24 I would have my first child and at 26 my second, ending my maternal career there. But it was not like that. When I turned 20, the little guy broke up with me and toppled my world. It was then that I realized I wasn’t in control of everything. But I didn’t learn much about it either.

A few years later, I went into my second relationship. And, once again, I started planning a future based on someone else. As if being happy always depended on the other and not on ourselves. I need to tell you that again it didn’t work out and a huge feeling of frustration invaded me. I felt like an incapable person and thoughts like, “What happens to me? Why can’t I take a relationship down the aisle? Will I ever be able to be happy with someone else?”, they began to dominate me. It’s impossible not to blame yourself for every breakup and spend a few days, months or even years living with the unhappiness of not having someone to call your own.

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The fear of being alone seems to haunt us and silence our expectations. We ended up choosing anyone, as we don’t have many options left. We walk a path of passing loves and with that we carry the burden of not knowing where we are going.

However, after so much breaking the face, throwing the responsibility for my happiness onto the other, I decided to take a break and retrace the path. I wasted so much time waiting for perfect love that I forgot about myself, my desires, my life. I honestly believed that my happiness was in the other, in the meeting. But what if that never happens, will I be unhappy forever?

It took a while, but I learned that happiness is not a constant, but a state. And that I don’t need to link to the other what depends on me. The Roman philosopher Cicero once said that “whoever depends only on himself and puts everything in himself has all the conditions to be happy”. And I agree with him. Well, from the moment I learned to love myself, discover in detail, the small joys.

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Deciding to change the way we think is not difficult. The difficult thing is to let go of our bad habits, our excesses of dependence or feelings of inferiority. It’s difficult, but not impossible. One of the important lessons I learned in this life is that when we aim for something and fight for it, we walk towards what will make us happiest.

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I learned to be a great woman. Fearless, who helps without expecting anything in return, who comforts those in need even when they are on their worst day, who conveys hope, who encourages those in need and who is not afraid of loneliness. I learned to run after what makes me feel fulfilled and not to accept any bum love for fear of being the next stranded. I have learned to be mine, before I am someone else’s. And how essential it has been. Knowing my worth keeps me from falling into emotional traps.

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And yes, there are moments when I stop to think and realize how much faster I could have figured this all out. But I also realize that everything I’ve lived through has been fundamental to my growth. We are all flawed and we need people, but we cannot be dependent on them. If I could go back in time and give myself some advice, I would say not to worry so much, because the woman of today is much stronger thanks to that fragile and dependent girl of yesterday.

And if I could give you some advice, I would say: “Don’t let your identity be lost to anything or anyone. You are loved! You are darling! Your happiness only depends on you, don’t link it to anyone else, because in the end you can only count on yourself “.

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