It’s okay if the other gets angry: one of the most liberating learnings

Fact Checked

Under review

Setting limits is not an easy task. However, it is necessary so that others do not harm us, regardless of whether they may ever meet them and become angry because they cannot fulfill their wishes in relation to us.

Written and verified by the psychologist Elena Sanz.

Have you ever asked for forgiveness even though you know that you are not responsible for what happened? Have you ever given in, betraying your own wants and needs, to please someone else’s? These types of dynamics may seem harmless to us; They can even make us feel that we are understanding and tolerant people. The reality is that behind them is not compassion, but fear. Therefore, remember: it is okay if the other person gets angry.

If you have a hard time or are not very good at setting limits, You will be so used to trying to please others that you probably have not even realized the damage you are doing to yourself with this attitude.. Above all, you must know that you are not weak or less valid for having maintained this tendency throughout your life. It is simply a learning that, surely, was useful at the time, but is no longer so. Therefore, it is important to work to modify it.

A matter of life and death

To understand those who go out of their way to avoid the anger of those around them, we have to understand what their childhood was probably like. At birth, we are very dependent beings. Our food, our safety and, ultimately, our survival depend on adults.

Read Also: A simple technique to reduce your stress level: Jacobson's progressive relaxation

When they respond consistently to the child’s cries and demands, they develop confidence. Nevertheless, When these adults do not attend to the child’s needs or do so in an unpredictable way, the baby feels that he or she is growing up in an environment that is not predictable. and insensitive to their demands.

Children who establish this type of attachment with their parents grow up with enormous anxiety, trying to predict when the other will be available and when they will not. It is easy to understand then that they are forced to do whatever is necessary to win the adult’s favor.to please him.

Let us keep in mind that any inappropriate act can lead the adult to become angry and withdraw the affection, attention and care that are vital.

That learning is no longer useful

There is no doubt that this submissive and complacent attitude could have been useful during childhood. However, it is maladaptive and harmful in the adult world. We are no longer children, we do not depend on others to survive and, therefore, we are not obliged to give in to them nor to stay by his side. We can set limits, we can decide, renegotiate unspoken agreements or even leave.

However, frequently, this childhood fear of rejection and abandonment penetrates deep into our unconscious and leads us to perceive as catastrophic the idea that someone does not approve of us or is upset with us. However, it is okay if the other person gets angry, our lives no longer depend on it.

Read Also: The loss of a brother: fraternal grief

In adulthood, prioritizing others over oneself is harmful and detrimental. First of all because we are being unfaithful to ourselves, to our desires, opinions and needs. But, also, because this contempt for oneself only leads to others perceiving us as equally unworthy. Now, pleasing at all costs will only lead to suffering and, paradoxically, also the rejection and abandonment that you fear so much.

It’s okay if the other gets angry

For all of the above, it is essential to engrave this statement in our minds: “it’s okay if the other gets angry“. It is okay to say “no”, set limits, refuse to help or do favors, express our opinions and ideas.. It is not the end of the world if we disagree with someone, if that other person gets upset, if we do not meet other people’s expectations. It is not necessary for us to apologize if we are not responsible, we do not have to please everyone.

Our only task as emotionally healthy adults is to build our self-esteem, our self-love and our self-confidence. Learn to communicate assertively and understand that we can respect others without disrespecting ourselves.

You are your top priority and your greatest obligation is to you. It doesn’t matter if the other gets angry, it doesn’t matter if he leaves; especially because Those who are worth keeping by your side will love you strong and free.and not fearful and submissive.