It’s just that I am like this: an excuse not to change

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“That’s just who I am, don’t expect anything else from me.” Behind this expression hides a rigid and inflexible personality that, far from allowing itself to change to improve coexistence or even its well-being, insists on reinforcing the same behaviors.

“That’s just the way I am, what’s going to be done? He is my character and I can’t do anything else.” Many times we meet people who seem to delight in telling us this. They are proud and make this resource their shield to avoid responsibilities, to improve their behavior and generate changes that would be better for everyone.

“Don’t ask me to try to see things differently because I have always been very distrustful. Don’t expect me to act differently now because I am what I am, and if you want, you take it and if not, you leave it.”. When we hear these reasonings we always become alert. After all, These responses hide defensive mechanisms that are very difficult to deal with.

Relationships, family relationships… Those who persist in reaffirming their personality through this type of language are putting up a psychological wall to prevent them from changing. These excuses reveal a clear cognitive and behavioral rigidity with which to reinforce adverse or exhausting situations.

Being ourselves does not mean that we are immutable and that we leave this world the same way we came into it. We have the right to change and sometimes it is change that brings us closer to psychological well-being.

It’s just that I am like that: what is behind this very common expression?

In society, in culture and in a multitude of self-help literature, the classic phrase “be yourself” is praised. However, being yourself has a peculiar nuance and a latent problem. It’s not good to be yourself when we act like our worst enemies. Not when we are trapped in approaches and schemes that are harmful to our own being.

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We cannot ask the person suffering from depression to be themselves. What we hope is that you implement certain changes that will make you a much better person for your mental well-being. Therefore, expressions such as the aforementioned “be yourself” and especially “that’s just how I am” can be lethal for personal, emotional and even professional development.

Let’s dig a little deeper.

Avoiding responsibilities, a classic

Always be late for appointments. Responding rudely to your partner. Changing your mind at the last minute and leaving a work group abandoned. Losing important documents… These and other examples of behavior are what define those who hide behind the classic “that’s just how I am.”

Avoiding and escaping all responsibility for negative acts committed is a common characteristic of those who regularly use this expression.

It’s just that I am like that, you have no choice but to accept me (covert blackmail)

In relationships dominated by a narcissist or a selfish and rigid personality, it is common for this phrase to often appear: “It’s just that I am, I’m not going to change, or you accept me, we’ll leave it.”

There are many profiles that end up integrating problematic behavior and, far from facing it, changing it and transforming it, they justify themselves in it. It’s more, They expect the partner to validate this harmful behavior through the classic all or nothing strategy. Either you accept me or you leave me.

Resistance to change: I can’t improve, don’t expect anything from me

Studies such as those carried out at the University of Stockholm (Switzerland) remind us of something very important. Resistance to change is very recurrent in many people who go to therapy.. This inability to adopt new approaches has affective, cognitive and behavioral components capable of creating stubborn psychological resistance.

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There are many people with major depression who insist on “That’s just how I am, you know? “I have always taken things this way and I don’t think I can change.”. These patients often use this limiting label as a strategy to avoid facing what they are afraid of: changing.do and see the world differently.

All change makes us afraid, but sometimes it is the only way to get closer to our authentic self, giving us an opportunity to be happier.

Chronic conformism, passivity in the face of life

Although they tell us with great emphasis, poise and pride that “that’s just how I am”, andIn reality, behind this attitude what there is on many occasions is chronic conformism. These men and women have become accustomed to their daily lives being a certain way. They may have an unhappy relationship, a stressful job, a demanding and harmful family…

Those who get used to it without reacting to the negative things that surround them develop that conformism that ends up integrating into their own personality. They do not react, they do not act and they end up telling themselves that this is what they have had to live and that is why they are the way they are.

What can the person with clear resistance to change do?

Those who persist day in and day out in reaffirming that they are the way they are and that they are not going to change, sooner or later they are aware of what this entails.

Behind that royal armor what there is is fear: fear assuming its own reality. Sadness, frustration, disappointment, insecurity, low self-esteem… It is not easy to face these internal dimensions.

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However, these personalities should know that mental health depends on the ability to respond flexibly to things. Reaffirming that one cannot change because one is the way one is, does not make sense or logic.

In reality, anyone who is in this situation right now only has to take one aspect into account. Changing for the better will not take you away from yourself, what it will do is connect you with who you really are.. And that is where you will find happiness.