Is your daughter very jealous of your boyfriend?

My 15-year-old daughter frowns whenever I’m dating. Sometimes I think about getting married again, but I’m afraid that our relationship will turn into hell. What should I do? (Question submitted by reader)

First, it is necessary to understand that conflicts with parents are natural in adolescence and necessary for children to build their own identity. So don’t imagine that your love life is the only cause of arguments with your daughter. If the circumstances were different, you would still have conflicts with your girl, albeit for different reasons. The challenge is to show that different points of view can coexist as long as there is respect. Listen to what your teen has to say without losing your cool and set limits by arguing that there are issues in which your children’s interference is not welcome. And the love life of parents is one of them.

It is essential to clearly separate (including for you) your different roles – mother and woman. One way to put this separation into practice is to reserve moments of exclusive dedication to your girl. The lack of close contact with parents leads teenagers to extreme reactions to get attention. Another important precaution is not to turn your daughter into a loving confidant. To undo the current impasse, just ask what bothers her in her attempts to rebuild her love life with a new partner. Explain that living next to him will make you a happier and more accomplished woman and that, even if you are with someone, she will always have a guaranteed place in your heart. As confused as your daughter feels, she certainly means you well. The contra reaction may stem from jealousy or a fear of taking a backseat in your life. Take the opportunity to comment on your expectations regarding her relationship with her boyfriend or future husband. Don’t expect them to become friends at first sight or force closeness. Make it clear (to both of you) that you expect a cordial relationship. Give them time to get to know each other and identify common interests. Keep in mind that the type of relationship your girl has with her biological father will also influence her receptivity. Children sometimes adopt the resentment of the replaced spouse.

By tolerating your daughter’s natural reactions and making an effort to understand her, you demand respect for her choices and projects while simultaneously moderating conflict in a positive way. But never give up on being happy. Your courage and motivation to build a loving and respectful relationship with another man, after difficult love experiences, is a beautiful model of life that you offer her.

Source: Jônia Lacerda Felício, psychologist and director of the Psychology Service at the Institute of Psychiatry at the Hospital das Clínicas in São Paulo.