Intolerance of failure: 5 keys to combat it

There are people who are unable to tolerate any slightest setback or discomfort. When their desires are not satisfied, they feel great discomfort; When their projects do not come to fruition, we can identify in them a marked intolerance of failure. This also happens when they experience unpleasant sensations or feelings.

It is normal that no one likes to feel frustrated or a failure. However, life is not perfect. We would all like everything to turn out just as we have planned or desired, but the reality is different.. There is a phrase that says “life is not how you want it to be, life is what it is.” However, no matter how accurate that statement is, there are many people who do not believe this.

We want everything now, without waiting, immediately. Furthermore, what we hope to happen must happen in a way that is pleasant or satisfactory to our interests. Yes, we believe so. Or, at least, many think so, and with this way of thinking they build all those schemes (representations of the world) with which they work.

Life is not how you want it to be, life is how it is

We have all heard at some point that “you should be happy” or “you should not feel sad.” When using the verb “duty” you have to be very careful.. Because? You may be wondering. Good, because nothing should be a certain way. Things are the way they are, no matter how much we think they should be. Duty, in any case, can motivate a change, or demotivate it, but in no case does it produce it.

If we think otherwise, we will spend our time jumping from dissatisfaction to dissatisfaction, from frustration to frustration. Let’s think, for example, what our lives should be like. Should our lives be perfectly pleasant, enjoyable or successful? No. They shouldn’t be for the simple reason that, in fact, they aren’t. We can strive to get as close as possible to it, but tolerating the distance that we will always have left to cover, accepting it as a part of the game.

Our lives move around infinite shades of gray. They are rarely black or white, perfect or disastrous. And if this is so, then why do we continue to think otherwise?

Duty, a dangerous enemy

What does the verb duty mean? According to the dictionary, Duty means “to be obligated to something by divine, natural, or positive law.”. I think the sun should rise every day, but I don’t think the weather should always be good.

When we say that something should be a certain way, we are using taxation in some way. We are saying that our environment (people, animals, objects, etc.) have to somehow comply with a premise. What we say, as if we were dictators of universal laws. But the truth is that, No matter how much we mask our desires with this type of formulas (possibility -> obligation), they will continue to be fulfilled in a similar percentage (unless we implement other types of changes).

And because? Because no matter how much we say it, if the medium does not recognize the obligation that we impose, it is of no use. Well, yes, it serves to make us more frustrated or feel smaller and more miserable. Oh, the world does not obey us!

On the other hand, there are people who say “you must be a good person” or “you must not suffer because of this.” Attention, danger! Where is it written that I must meet the criteria that for you define a good person? Sometimes I will be a good person for you, but other times I won’t. Sometimes I will suffer for something, other times I won’t.

Duty is at the origin of intolerance of failure

Intolerance of failure is one of the reasons why people have a very hard time. Let’s think about a child who throws a tantrum because they haven’t bought him the candy he likes so much. He cries, kicks, screams, gets angry. It is not yet written in the child’s mind that things should not always turn out the way he would like. That’s why you have to teach him to channel his emotions.

As adults, we should have learned to tolerate the disobedience of reality, the fact that it does not always bend to our desires, no matter how noble they are. In itself, the goodness or badness of a desire does not increase the likelihood that it will be fulfilled.

On the other hand, some people have been educated in such a way that imperatives such as “you should…” have reigned in their education.. Other people have learned not to tolerate failure or frustration through experiences, things that have happened to them and made them think that way permanently.

The great psychologist Albert Ellis wrote the following: “While the less disturbed person firmly desires what he wants and feels it appropriately and becomes upset if his desires are not satisfied, the more disturbed person demands, insists, commands or dogmatically orders that his desires be satisfied and becomes excessively distressed. , depressed or hostile when they are not satisfied.”

As we see, there is nothing wrong with getting upset if something doesn’t go the way we want. What is not healthy is to demand, insist or order as if it were a dogma..

Beliefs of people with low tolerance for failure

People with failure intolerance have learned to think and behave in a certain way. They have a series of beliefs that are conditioning their way of seeing the world and interpreting reality. These beliefs are the following:

They believe that it is absolutely necessary that life always be easy and comfortable. They confuse a desire with a need. They have to always obtain everything they want and to do so they demand, order and insist. They think that any difficulty, delay, failure, etc. It’s too horrible to bear.

5 keys to combat intolerance of failure

Even if we have been educated in terms of “should” or have beliefs similar to the above, There are some measures we can take to combat intolerance of failure.. They are the following:

Identify your irrational beliefs

When you find yourself frustrated, try to analyze what you are saying to yourself. What thoughts are you having? Be aware of them and write them down on paper.

Most likely, words like this will appear in your internal dialogue. “I should”, “always”, “never”, “I can’t stand it”, etc These, and no others, are the causes of your suffering.

Modify your irrational beliefs

Once you have identified what you tell yourself that doesn’t help you, It’s time to talk to yourself differently and change your way of thinking. It is a process that requires many trials, but it is worth it.

To do this, use words such as “I would like to”, “it is uncomfortable but I can bear it”, “sometimes”, etc. It’s about replacing your irrational beliefs with other, more adaptive beliefs.

Face situations you cannot tolerate

Exposing ourselves to situations that cause us frustration can be a good strategy. Make a list of those situations. Write down how they affect you.

Once you have identified them, commit to addressing them. For it, provoke these situations and do nothing to avoid the discomfort they generate. Over time, your tolerance will increase and you will feel better and better.

If possible, take steps to prevent it from happening again.

This may seem trivial but sometimes we don’t notice it. It is about proposing solutions so that situations do not overwhelm you and do not frustrate you.

For example, stop looking at the clock if the person you’re meeting is late. You can do something useful in the meantime. Definitely, It is about modifying the focus of attention to reduce your feeling of frustration.

Differentiate a want from a need

It’s one thing to need a bigger house, for example, and another thing to want it or have certain preferences. When I need something, if I don’t have it then discomfort appears. If I prefer, I may feel discomfort, but it will be milder.

There are few things we really need in life. Differentiating what we need from what we would like to have or what would happen is essential to avoid feeling like a failure or frustrated.

In life it is very difficult to avoid difficulties and frustrations. We all fail sometimes. It is part of life and is totally normal. Thus, We must learn to manage frustration and give ourselves permission to fail. In this way, we will have a more reality-oriented life and we will feel better.

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