Infidelity as a couple: who are they and why do lovers exist?

Despite The limits to define what is infidelity are sometimes controversial, we can understand it as the breaking of a pact of emotional and sexual exclusivity, in which one of the members of the couple has a relationship with a third person. When lovers appear, the contract, which may or may not have been made explicit, is breached, trust within the relationship is violated, and damage is caused.

Historically, The fact of having lovers has not always been socially disapproved. There have even been times when infidelity has been applauded, especially on the male side. To a certain extent understandable due to marriages agreed upon without love being involved. Marriage was understood more as a job than as a place for love.

However, In most countries in the world, covenant marriages have ended. and, with this, infidelity has gone to another level.

What is loyalty fed by?

Among the elements that have been seen to favor “fidelity,” love stands out as its main driving force.. During falling in love, it is almost “impossible” to commit infidelity, since the feelings towards the other person are total and “you have no eyes for another.”

In the same way, Values ​​such as trust also influence. Beliefs such as “relationships are based on fidelity”, “I can control my desires”, “I have more to lose than gain” or “I don’t do what I don’t like being done to me” also seem to be central.

Among other factors that seem to have an important participation, highlights the influence and pressure that the social group can exert so that the person remains faithful. Norms from the family of origin, social pressures, institutions or religious convictions can exert control over these desires.

In turn, the blame It can benefit fidelity, due to the fear of not tolerating this feeling by deceiving the other. However, The healthiest cause of fidelity is the commitment acquired with the couplewhich becomes more important once the infatuation has passed, since the contract that has been established with the other, affection, companionship and respect, are what sustain fidelity.

What does infidelity hide? Why do they have lovers?

In many cases, People resort to infidelity as a way to deal with conflicts within the relationship; which vary depending on the case. In these cases, having a lover tends to be a form of escape, a game in which the unfaithful seek nothing further.

However, this does not mean that people do not end up falling in love with their lovers.. In fact, this is another quite common reality; Well, that relationship ends up being that patch that hides those problems that the couple has not been able to solve.

On the other hand, infidelity is influenced thanks to the personal traits of the individual. Therefore, not all those who have problems in their relationship are going to look for a lover, since they will prefer other ways to resolve or overcome conflicts. In fact, there will be people who prefer to end the relationship rather than be unfaithful.

That said, we can affirm that various variables come into play when committing infidelity. Let’s look at the most common ones.

The most common causes of infidelity

Among the factors that have been frequently found associated with certain people having lovers, we can highlight:

The lack of love: situations where the strong feeling you had has been lost. “I love him but I don’t love him”, this can encourage the idea that by looking for another person they are being “true to themselves and what they feel”, despite deceiving the other.Boredom and routine: The lack of stimulation that some may experience in the relationship can encourage it to be sought outside, through lovers. It is more common in those who require constant stimulation and who do not find or do not promote the motivation they need in their relationships.Vanity: The frequent seduction of others can be a fundamental motivation in people with strong narcissistic traits, who measure their self-esteem according to the achievements they have. Feeling attractive and having the power to attract others “gives them value,” perhaps without the intention of separating from the partner. Furthermore, it is a way of trying to “have it all” even at the cost of harming the other two people involved. In some way, your desires are above the needs of others.Beliefs: Some beliefs can favor these behaviors, such as “just this once,” “he doesn’t have to find out,” “I’m not going to miss this opportunity,” “everyone does it,” “I can’t be faithful,” “men are like that.” ”, “it’s just sex”, which somehow makes them “justify” the fact of having lovers.Values: The person may have a value system that does not sanction infidelity as a negative event.

Communication problems: when problems within the couple are hidden instead of facing them. Resentments and accumulated differences can be generated within the relationship that produce a progressive loss of interest in the other.Loneliness: The feeling of loneliness within a relationship is especially difficult. When in a relationship one of the members feels alone, due to a distant and affectionless relationship, it can motivate them to look for this “company” in a third party.Lack of sexual gratification: Dissatisfaction in the sexual area in the couple can encourage the idea of ​​trying to find more compatible lovers who allow satisfaction.Emotional deficiencies: When there is emotional distancing, there is no recognition of the other or they are not valued positively, they feel unwanted. Therefore, he can look for a third party who makes him feel attractive.

High relationship expectations: Extremely unrealistic and high expectations about what is expected of the other and the relationship, can produce great disappointments that distance them, and lead them to look outside for that “ideal” that fulfills them.

Social pressure: certain pressure at a social level can increase the temptation to commit infidelity. Some social models “advertise” these facts, such as a male prototype who is attractive due to his multiple partners or sexual encounters.Curiosity: Looking for something new and the curiosity to try everything can cause a person to decide to have lovers. It is possible that repressed or very shy personalities find it easier to satisfy the desire for something new than to ask their partner to change or try something different.Low self-esteem: Personal insecurity can also lead us to look for a lover. If we feel inferior to our partner in some way or we are not sure of our worth, this can be a (not healthy) resource to reaffirm ourselves.Despair: infidelity does not always have to do with the relationship. Sometimes it is motivated by the unfaithful person’s own desperation, who is going through personal difficulties and seeks a distraction or lifeline in having a lover.Find an alternative: On the other hand, it is common for someone to decide to have a lover when they know they want to break up with their partner. This way, you make sure you have a plan B, that you have someone in the room before taking this step.Unresolved traumas: It has also been found that people who have experienced some type of trauma during childhood or in the past are more likely to commit infidelity. Having suffered emotional abandonment, physical abuse, abuse or having witnessed infidelities within the family are risk factors.

But not all is lost! Whether you present some of these characteristics or detect them in your partner, it is possible work themfor example through therapy, and find alternative ways to build and maintain healthier and more satisfying relationships.

Types of infidelity

For its part, we want to highlight that not all infidelities are the same. However, they all have something in common: they break the exclusivity agreement that had been established within the couple, whether explicitly or not; so the bond and trust are damaged.

However, The severity of the damage will be greater or less depending on how the infidelity was carried out. Therefore, below we present the most common types of infidelities.

Depending on the intention

Intentional infidelity. It includes all infidelities that occur deliberately and planned. In this case, the cheater has a clear desire to deceive her partner, and acts consciously for this purpose.Unintentional infidelity. It is typical of those “slips” where the unfaithful person does not have the intention of cheating on her partner, which is why it usually occurs suddenly or circumstantially, without any premeditation in this regard.

Depending on its nature

Chaste infidelity (without sex). Here there is no sexual contact between the unfaithful, but feelings or fantasies usually occur instead. Likewise, the chaste infidel usually hides things, lies, carries out any type of activity in secret, etc.sexual infidelity. In this case, sexual relations take place between the unfaithful, even if there is no penetration. Let us remember that sexual relations can take many forms, but in any case they involve intimate physical contact.

Depending on the medium used

Online or virtual. Thanks to new technologies, people can establish virtual relationships where the parties have never met in person.Face-to-face meeting. In this case, the unfaithful meet in person and maintain a parallel relationship. Here, infidelity can also occur without sexual relations occurring.

Depending on its emotional implications

With feelings involved. It occurs when cheaters develop an emotional connection between them. Therefore, it implies the establishment of an emotional bond with someone who is not one’s partner.On impulse. This is usually the case of people who commit infidelity to satisfy their physical or other desires, but without establishing emotional ties.

What to do if my partner was unfaithful to me?

Infidelity is a fairly common occurrence today, and when we are affected, the first thing we question is our personal worth. Questions come to mind like: What did I do wrong? Or have I not given enough? However, as we have already seen, infidelity has very little to do with these ideas.

If you are going through that experience, here are some tips to overcome the situation.

Face the facts

It is common that, upon suspecting or discovering that our partner has been unfaithful to us, We are afraid to confront it because of the possible consequences that will arise from that…