Rivalry between adult siblings, why does it occur?

Rivalry between adult siblings is a more common phenomenon than we think. Disagreements, emotional coldness, arguments every now and then, estrangements that can last months and years… These types of realities tend to create high stress within many families because they are, after all, psychological erosions that are difficult to forget and manage. .

In general, This feeling of rivalry has its first appearance during childhood, consolidating in adolescence and then creeping into adulthood. Now, it is in maturity when it gives way to another series of more complex emotions, such as resentment and animosity. The weight of unresolved past experiences creates distances and tensions that not everyone knows how to resolve.

So, whether we want it or not, there is something obvious that we must consider. Our identity is built from the relationships we establish with our parents and siblings. The phenomenon of antagonism, enmity and competition that sometimes arises already in childhood with a brother or sister shapes our character and marks us.

Let’s understand this reality a little more.

Causes of rivalry between adult siblings

No one can choose their brothers, it’s true. We simply arrive in this world and encounter a series of figures that will determine our lives in infinite ways. Studies, such as those carried out at the University of Pennsylvania, tell us that A good relationship with them during adolescence enhances empathy and prosocial behavior.

However, this fraternal harmony does not always occur. So much so, that according to various investigations, more than a third of adults between 18 and 65 years old would have apathetic or hostile relationships with their siblings. There are really bad ties since childhood and this fact, that of continued disagreements generate situations of high stress that leave an early mark on the brain of the child and adolescent.

If we now ask ourselves the causes, the triggers and the unique seed that makes sibling rivalry germinate, we must say that the causes are well known. We analyze them.

Parenting and favoritism, key in rivalry between adult siblings

The favoritism of one child over another exists and occurs frequently. It is true that this is a taboo subject and that not all fathers and mothers will admit that, sometimes, they feel more affection for one child than another.

Thus, and despite the fact that a good part of those who have more than one child try to be egalitarian, there are those who make no effort to hide it and openly demonstrate their attachment to that child in front of the other.

Favoritism always affects mental health. Jealousy, confusion, a feeling of loneliness, anger and a demand for attention arise. Rivalry between siblings is quickly unleashed in the midst of this context of unequal affection.From the age of 4, a child already perceives and becomes aware of this unequal treatment. in relation to their siblings and, in fact, it is common to feel hurt, angry and disconcerted. This discomfort begins a vicious circle that is as complicated as it is dangerous. The child fights with the other sibling to get that attention, his behavior becomes aggressive and this angers the parents more and the preference of one over the other is even more reaffirmed. All of this makes him feel even more displaced.

Failures in emotional scaffolding and poor relationships in childhood

We call emotional scaffolding the way in which children construct their identity based on their ideas, emotions, and awareness of their different mental states. It’s like creating a story about who you are based on how you relate to your environment and interpret everything you see, feel and happen.

In this self-construction the role of parents is essential. If you have parents who are not very skilled at connecting with them through a sensitive, empathetic and constructive dialogue, this scaffolding will surely be deficient. If, in addition, they do not know how to promote a good relationship between their children and they fight to demand the parents’ attention, these scaffolds will be deficient and also problematic.

Rivalry arises in childhood to attract the attention of parents, to receive reinforcement, to demand love and to achieve that emotional caress, a kind word… Little by little, these situations, far from being resolved, can intensify in adolescence and even in adulthood. maturity. Resentment accumulates until it causes estrangements in adulthood.

How to end that rivalry?

In general, Rivalry between adult siblings leads to lack of treatment and distancing. When there is a family gathering, it is easy for arguments and disagreements to arise. It should be noted that these experiences that have their origin in childhood usually generate great stress and that this memory, the weight of so many adverse emotions, is always on the surface.

Is there perhaps a way to resolve these situations and create strong bonds? Let’s reflect on some aspects.

The time for competing for parental love and attention is long gone. In adulthood these dimensions have no meaning. Perhaps, it is time to discover each other, to stop claiming anything to simply get to know each other and connect as we did not do as children. Our parents may have had a favorite child and that caused us pain and feelings of rivalry in the past. But when one reaches maturity, one must Become aware of the mistake that our parents made in their upbringing and that this does not have to determine us. Yesterday is behind us, we are not the children of the past, we are the adults of today. The rivalry between adult siblings has its roots in what our parents caused and originated, Maybe it’s time to heal that wound by rebuilding the brotherly bond.

Now, rivalry between adult siblings is not easy to heal. Not when, for example, one of them continues to be at a disadvantage within that family of origin that continues to reinforce the favorite child. In these cases, and when psychological health is in danger, it is always better to limit the time shared with these figures and focus on our lives.

The predilections and valuation of one offspring over others always leave consequences. Antagonism between siblings is a reality that snakes through many families.

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