Emotional stages of divorce

A divorce is often an unpleasant experience for the affected parties. Furthermore, since it is a process of loss, it may involve a stage of grief that we can analyze as different successive and prototypical phases of emotional states. These emotional stages of divorce are usually replicated in all those who go through this separation process.

In this article you will be able to delve into the knowledge of the expected phases that a divorce process usually involves for one or all of the parties involved. Knowing the emotional implications of a divorce can be helpful for those who need a kind of compass in what can sometimes feel like a desert.

We begin by highlighting that the existence of conflicts in the relationship It is not experienced in the same way by each of the parties. For some, divorce can be liberation from a life in which one is not overly happy or satisfied. For others, this unhappiness can be caused by divorcing and separating from the person with whom they have shared so much.

Although both parties tend to be negatively affected, The most important difference is usually marked by the fact of being the person who breaks up or the one with whom they break up.. On the other hand, on many occasions it is common for both people to think that they are the party that “receives the breakup” and not the cause. It is also true that the opposite phenomenon could happen: both people think that the relationship has broken up.

In this sense, those who abandon their partner may experience emotions such as guilt and shamewhile those who are abandoned experience, eminently, anger and pain. We are talking about two very different negative emotional states.

The four emotional stages of divorce

The psychologist Matthew Mckay, in his work The book of divorce and separation, divides the divorce process into four emotional stages. Each of these stages is described below:

1. The trauma of separation

When the separation finally takes place, the first reaction may be relief, numbness, or panic. Relief is usually felt when the separation has been a long and eventful process.

For many people, The trauma of physical separation begins after several weeks of numbness and denial. In this phase, numbness – which is a mechanism to curb emotions or silence feelings that cannot yet be faced – can come and go.

The trauma of separation can last from a few days to several months. Stunning provides intermittent periods of relief: Sometimes you will be overcome with a feeling of optimism and excitement about your new life, but just as quickly, your optimism can fade away to give way to the usual restlessness and tension.

2. The roller coaster

During the roller coaster phase, The valence of the emotional states people find themselves in fluctuate rapidly and radically.. One of the characteristics of the roller coaster is how quickly a person can decline emotionally. Just one memory, a lonely face or a comment from one of your children is enough to release a whole series of thoughts and emotional tones – sometimes contradictory.

The roller coaster stage lasts from a few months to a year, and as it comes to an end the emotions become more stable. So, finally, a sudden pleasant memory that can make you cry a little is easier to get over than before.

3. The construction of identity

A consequence of the attenuation of pain is that the person recovers cognitive resources and energy to look above the rupture.. A feeling of a future project, of potentialities and possibilities is experienced. For this reason, the work of constructing an identity again resembles a kind of second adolescence.

During the work of identity construction, you begin to taste life again, even developing new hobbies. Other people, however, return to enjoying those hobbies that they had forgotten.

The problem of this stage is the possible fixation on this “second adolescence”: Some people remain attached to the wide world of possibilities, unable to genuinely commit to any activity or person. These people remain is a kind of eternal youth and They perceive commitment as little more than a bondagewhich can cause friction with its environment.

4. The recentered SELF

When the previous stage ends, a feeling of power and personal fulfillment can be experienced. After having endured an enormous test, now is the time to integrate what happened, leaving the past behind. The present is what matters now.

Refocus means sculpt your life to fit the person you are. Divorce offers the opportunity to experiment, to try new things, to see yourself reflected in new relationships; Therefore, new choices come from a new awareness of oneself and one’s needs.

If you have experienced a divorce, you will find that the recentered SELF differs from the married person you once were. You’ve dealt with the breakup, you’ve been on a roller coaster, and you’ve finally survived it all.

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