I don’t want to be a mother and I’m complete

I never dreamed of being a mother, but saying so has always been taboo in many social circles, especially in the family. Talking openly about this issue today, around 30 years old, is liberating, but it wasn’t always that way. I was afraid of judgments, demands, moral lessons about what it is or isn’t to be a fulfilled woman.

I have a huge family, about 20 uncles and aunts, not counting their partners. In that account, you can add a number of cousins ​​and cousins. As a woman and one of the oldest granddaughters of my grandparents, I was expected to be one of the first – if not the first – to bring a new member of the family into the world. This did not happened.

I decided to study and didn’t even consider motherhood. I spent about 10 years improving knowledge, thinking more about my professional career than anything else. This was little understood because I was the only woman in the family to have a degree and, even today, the only one to have pursued a master’s and doctoral degree. Nobody understood the need to study so much since, supposedly, I would be very happy as a wife and mother.

“Do you study too much?”, “And when is my great grandson coming?”, “You are already getting old to be a mother”, “Even your sister has had a child”, “Even your cousin such, much younger than you, you’re going to have a child”, “But don’t you really think about being a mother?”, “After having a child, you will enjoy motherhood”, these and many other phrases have already been said at family lunches, work environments and even in circles of friends (colleagues?) in the bars of life.

When I’m in a loving relationship, the charge grows even more. Because if I have a cis male partner, people understand, on my behalf, that this is the time. Then, the phrases “He will be a good father” and “He will help you to take care of the child” appear, and the man is placed as the great provider of motherhood in my life and who will help me to raise a child. , which is also his.

I don’t want to be a mother – and that could change

I have many reasons for not wanting to be a mother. I don’t see myself in that role. I don’t see myself pregnant. I don’t feel like putting another human being into the world. I don’t want, at the moment, to be responsible for raising a child, caring for him and loving him unconditionally. I don’t want to give up the life and routine I have. And everything is fine.

This decision is not selfish, although I know a lot of people interpret it that way. Not to be rude, because it certainly isn’t my intention, but what I can say about it is: everyone has to deal with the frustrations that come from the expectations they create about others or about how the world should work.

I know that I would be a good mother, within my social and financial possibilities. Without a doubt, I would do everything to educate a child that would make this society a fairer place, respectful of differences and welcoming to all beings on this planet. I would dedicate myself to seeing her smile daily, to giving her a good education and a good character, to being loyal to her principles, even if the world is sometimes very difficult.

I really admire the women around me who are mothers, and even my own mother – one of the few people who always encouraged me to study and seek a different future. I see incredible examples in them and I think: if one day I change my mind about motherhood, I want to be like that, be strong to fail and seek to succeed in raising a child. In fact, almost all of my great references are mothers.

But I don’t want to be a mother. And maybe I’ll change my mind. Maybe one day I want to adopt a child, I’ve thought about the possibility. I don’t want to generate a life, at most I would like to bring breath to an already living being. The point here is that no one can, or should, charge me for motherhood so that I feel like a complete woman.

Because? Because I’m already complete! very complete.

About completeness, love and other details

I really like Estela who fought so hard not to drop out of high school in order to help with the housework. Of the young girl who left home early and only came back late at night, after working, intern and studying all day.

I love today’s Estela, who had the courage to change her field of work, going from Literature to Communication, because she didn’t feel happy. I am in love with the woman I am, assertive and brave when necessary, who laughs and cries very easily and does everything to welcome people and their pain.

Who makes colorful tattoos “gourmets”, as friends say. Who loves to think about looks with sneakers, while listening to a podcast or dancing around the house. Who likes to walk alone to get their ideas in order. Who buys a lot of books and has a lot of plants. Who loves to go out to chat and drink with friends. Who is well resolved with her sexuality and speaks openly about it.

Like anything I’ve ever done in my life, having a child would have to be an act of love, not an obligation. Imposing motherhood on any woman is an act of violence. Imperatively questioning women about when they are going to be mothers is violent. If a woman has said that she doesn’t want to be a mother, invalidating her decision with subjective arguments is aggressive. Just accept. It’s easier and lighter, as life needs to be.

Next Sunday is Mother’s Day, I will be with the mothers around me. Women I idolize, even though we are so different. I admire every woman in my family and my friends who face motherhood, even though I know how difficult it would be, even though I am aware that much, if not all, of raising their children would be in her hands.

On Mother’s Day, I will toast with my women while we talk about our origins, look at photo albums and eat those simple foods that fill the table and stomach with love.

* This text does not necessarily reflect the opinion of Dicas de Mulher.