I do not need you

I do not need you. I need to lose my belly, I need an iron and I need to have the car washed. But I don’t need you.

Maybe I even need to dress better, get a more modern haircut and buy toilet paper—it’s running out. But I definitely don’t need you. But I want you.

A diabetic does not want insulin. I don’t love my thyroid medicine that I have to take every day. But I need it. And a diabetic needs insulin. Both because we have no choice.

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I don’t need you to understand me like no one has ever understood me, nor for you to calm me down like you always do, much less I need that neck caress you always do when you kiss me, as if you were my wife and I was a soldier who spent ten years in a war halfway around the world. But I want you to understand me, calm me down and kiss me like this. Ever.

I don’t need to talk to you for hours every day, or lie on your lap and cuddle. Nor do I need to hear you talk passionately about theater for hours and hours. But talking to you, cuddling and listening to you talk—beautiful! — about theater for hours on end is what I want most right now.

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Not out of necessity, because if that was it, it wouldn’t matter how I feel, it would just be something I need. I could, today for example, stay at home, doing nothing. But I’d rather go for a walk with you. My life without you would not be impossible. I wasn’t going to die or become a hermit in the mountains. But with you my life would be so much more fun, there’s no denying that.

My anxiety medicine has almost the same effect as you: calms me down, makes me less impulsive and less anxious. But I didn’t want to have to take it. As for you, if I could I would take you every four hours, five times a day, and the effect would be much better than the medicine.

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The medicine doesn’t keep its eyes closed for several seconds after it kisses me, nor does it speak in a sweet voice when it needs to scold me. To say I need you would be to minimize all the good you do for me. It would be like saying I need medicine or new shirts.

Being able to be who I really am, without having to hide anything or hide a little bit is something I’ve never experienced. And I admit it’s a lot better than I imagined it could be. And living it is not a matter of necessity. It’s a question of freedom, of peace of mind.

The peace of mind you bring me when you caress me while I drive and when you say, at the end of every message: “Be well”. Not the peace of mind I need. But the peace of mind I want. Just as I want you.

Leo Luz