How to validate the emotions of others

“You’re exaggerating, it’s not a big deal”, “how are you going to get like this because of this nonsense?”, “don’t cry anymore, you have to be strong” These are some of the phrases that we will want to stop saying once we understand the importance of emotional validation. Learning to validate the emotions of others is one of the great tools that allow us to care for and strengthen our social relationships.

Such is the value of this strategy that Marsha Linehan, creator of dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), names it as “the aspirin of DBT.” It refers to the fact that it represents one of the fundamental tools to build a good consultant-therapist bond, in any process. psychotherapeutic.

The truth is that whether or not we are mental health professionals, knowing how to validate the emotions of those around us reflects a truly valuable strategy.

What is emotional validation?

Emotional validation is about communicating to another person that they are being heard and seen. It is accepting the emotional experience that someone is feeling at that moment and communicating it clearly, through our words or actions. It is conveying that your answers are valid and your point of view is understandable.

It’s about letting them know that what they are feeling and expressing is accepted, regardless of whether we agree with it or not. In short, validating is expressing to another person that their emotions make sense.which are relevant, significant or coherent from a logical perspective.

Emotional validation is a powerful tool that strengthens the bond in relationships.

We can do the same with ourselves. In this case, we would be talking about the emotional self-validation. Accepting the validity of our own emotions helps us manage them more adaptively. Thus, we reaffirm that what we feel is important, whether pleasant or unpleasant.

As opposed, emotional invalidation towards oneself or others means minimizing, judging or downplaying emotions. Surprisingly, invalidating responses can be very warm and even well-intentioned, despite causing dysfunctional consequences.

With this I mean that It is common to invalidate the emotions of someone we love without even noticing it.. On the contrary, what we are looking for is to provide you with containment and support.

Let’s look at an example to better understand this point: imagine that a five-year-old girl leaves her favorite toy car forgotten on a bus. Upon noticing this, she bursts into tears and anguish. Her father tries to help her and tells her: “It’s okay, don’t cry, I can buy you another toy.” Thus, he is invalidating the girl’s sadness, which is expected and valid. Because, How is nothing wrong? Is it wrong for me to cry? It hurts me to have lost my toy.” she would think.

Validation levels

They are understood as successive levels in which the highest level encompasses and surpasses the previous one.

1. Pay attention

The most basic level of emotional validation refers listen and observe carefully who is speaking to us. It is not enough to look at him, but it is necessary to be interested in what he has to say, direct his gaze, let him know that we are paying attention to him.

Also, placing ourselves at their level and holding their hand can represent useful strategies, because they show that we care about what the other person tells us.

2. Reflect

It is important accurately reflect that what we have heard we understood clearly. It is about “giving back” what he has told us through repetition or paraphrasing, like a mirror.

In this case, we must be careful not to interpret or add our own ideas or assumptions, but rather correctly extract the central idea that the other expressed.

3. Name what is not said

The third level of validation consists of articulate what is not explicitly verbalized by the other person, but that we detect in their speech, and make sure that we are right.

For example, if someone tells us “I spent a lot of time studying and still didn’t pass. In the end there is no point in studying.” we could answer you “I understand that you are frustrated by the situation, since you feel that your effort has not been worth it, is that correct?”

4. Understand the reaction

To validate, it is essential to understand the causes of your reaction. Every emotion starts from a context, a situation, a story. This level consists of understanding that in light of your experience, it makes sense that you are feeling the way you do.

For example, “I understand that you distrust people, taking into account that you have felt betrayed by your previous partner.”

Emotional validation involves empathizing with others and taking into account their history and life experience.

5. Recognize what is valid

Recognizing what is valid means looking for ways in which the other person’s behavior makes sense in the current circumstances. It is noticing and communicating that your feelings are valid responses because they fit the present context.

If our little son is afraid of storms, we could validate his fear by telling him the following: “I understand that you may be feeling scared right now, because it is raining a lot and you don’t like that.”

6. Recognize the uniqueness of the other

Demonstrating equality is one of the great strategies for emotional validation. It’s about getting on par with other people., and accept that all emotional responses and different perspectives are valid.

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