How to overcome anger with your partner

Angry relationships are quite common situations that arise for various reasons and can trigger major conflicts.. To overcome and control the anger that arises as a result of a conflict, it is essential to identify both our feelings and the feelings of the other.

In fact, Harriet Lerner, a psychologist specialized in couples therapy, in her book The dance of angerpresents us with a fundamental idea: arguments between couples are healthy. In his opinion, marriage is the lightning rod for the stress that surrounds us in our daily lives, that is, arguing is natural, the problem is knowing how to do it well.

According to Lerner, to know how to argue we must be aware of the emotions that move us and understand that we are prisoners of our words. To prevent everyday anger from turning our relationship into a battlefield, listening and understanding the other is a fundamental step.

Why do couples argue?

Before determining how to control anger in a couple, or how to deal with it, It is important to know why we botherwhat is the origin of arguments in the couple.

Normally, couples argue about five big issues: money, sex, in-laws, problems related to the house and work, and increasing the family (having children).

However, anger actually occurs when one partner perceives that the other does not care about how they feel, and it is the pain caused by this disconnection that causes anger. In this sense, Anger would be an expression of fear and anxiety due to the fear of not connecting with the other.a survival mechanism.

Anger and the expression of emotions during conflict

A 2012 study by Keith Sanford, associate professor of psychology and neuroscience at Baylor University, addresses the communication of emotions during conflict in married couples. There, he found that Couples are very skilled at reading their partners’ emotions during arguments. The problem is that the meaning of those emotions, especially anger, are not always evident.

Sanford discovered that When a conflict is repeated over and over again, couples express anger about the conflict, regardless of what they really feel and regardless of the fact that it may lead to more conflict. In this way, the situation becomes a trap from which it is difficult to escape, a harmful spiral.

Sanford also discovered that When one partner is angry, he or she may forget the fact that the other partner may be sad.even when he is too.

Previous research reveals that expressing sadness brings both parties closer together and allows the couple to overcome anger. That is, if sadness is expressed during the conflict, it is much easier to resolve it. The problem is that it is very difficult to notice sadness when anger is also expressed.

How to deal with anger as a couple in 6 steps

When couples have conflicts it is important to be very clear about what the objective of the discussion is. However, this is something that most couples don’t do.

1. Know yourself

Self-knowledge is an essential key to emotional intelligence since, in order to manage emotions appropriately, It is important that we know how to identify our emotional stateswhat body signals correspond to each one and what is their name.

Get angry and provoking an argument without being aware of one’s own feelings can lead to a feeling of anger as a reaction to feel less vulnerable. This is something that makes the other person have difficulty understanding real feelings and also react with anger. This generates a cycle of constant discussions that does not lead to any conclusion.

2. Identify the situations that trigger anger as a couple

Another important step to deal with anger as a couple is be aware of those situations in which we are more susceptible to getting angry. For example, waiting a long time for your partner, not receiving their support in household chores, not agreeing with the way your children are raised, etc.

Recognizing what the triggers are will help you be more prepared and face the situation in a more effective way.. If you know how to recognize these contexts, you can apply techniques to manage anger individually so that you are more relaxed when discussing it with your partner.

3. Use relaxation techniques

When you identify anger, try to channel it before confronting your partner. This way you will prevent emotions from taking over the situation and speaking for you.. To do this, you can do breathing exercises, do some physical activity that allows you to drain (such as running or walking), meditate, etc.

At first it may be complicated, but with practice you will be able to use these or other techniques to mitigate your anger.

4. Communicate with your partner assertively

Assertiveness involves express thoughts, feelings and opinions clearly and without attacking or disrespecting the other. To do this, it is important that you know how to identify all the emotions you experience and communicate them to your partner without seeking blame.

The ideal is that both attack the conflict as a team and seek solutions together.. To achieve this, it is often necessary to resort to negotiation and agreements.

Likewise, your partner must also identify what feelings the conflict awakens and communicate them assertively. If both achieve it, the result will be very different.

5. Work on openness and empathy

Many times We have very rigid ideas about relationships that only ruin the bond. For example, believing that our partner must always agree with us, or that our position is always correct, are typical beliefs that leave us stuck in pride and conflict.

To do this, we must be able to actively listen to our partner and understand their point of view. Also, it is not wrong to have different opinions on a matter, The ideal is that both respect and understand the other’s position and negotiate if necessary.

6. Look for alternatives to express your discontent

In a relationship, the most advisable thing is to communicate everything that bothers us. However, Many couples make the mistake of disqualifying the other, dropping hints or making strong criticisms. These will never be the best ways to communicate.

The best will always be assertive and empathetic communication. Where both are able to express their discontent without attacking and, in turn, accept the other’s complaints without feeling attacked.

Finally, we warn that controlling anger is not always an easy task. However, dedication, practice and love are the keys necessary to overcome anger with your partner.

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