How to get over the death of parents

Death is a fact consubstantial to life, but no less known painfulmuch less if it is the death of a loved one, be it a relative, a friend or a person in our daily circle.

However, the death of parents has very particular repercussions on our biography, since they are the beings that have given us life, have taken care of us and those that we may have also had to take care of. Your demise can cause feelings of helplessness greater than those of any other loss.

The death of the parents it also usually implies an internal and global readjustment of family life. If one of them dies, the usual thing is that you have to take charge or pay more attention to the one who is still alive.

While, when we both die, we feel that the generation that precedes us disappears, a kind of replacement takes place, and that it can trigger the appearance of fears and anxieties in the face of death itself.

Grief for parents: a very personal experience

The death of the parents is in keeping with the natural order of life – it is much more tragic and surprising when a child dies – but It has connotations that are determined by the moment and the circumstances.

In other words, it is not the same for the parents to die of illness or natural death at a long-lived age and in a more or less expected mannerto do it traumatically or accidentally or when the children are still young. This second case implies a drastic break in balance family, especially for minors.

The way in which the loss of parents is responded to varies from one person to another depending on a series of conditions, such as:

The degree of linkage. The affective quality existing between parents and children can increase or mitigate the pain of loss. But contrary to what you might think, A bad relationship does not always tend to cause less pain, since it can reopen old wounds and feelings of guilt. While a good relationship can facilitate a calmer duel, by not feeling that there were outstanding issues.

A good relationship with the parents, without ruptures or resentments, usually facilitates a more serene and calm farewell than a conflictive one.

The type of personality. The different characters will determine the way to fit this loss. In general, someone more depressive, pessimistic or introverted has a greater chance of experiencing it in a sadder way and painful than a more open and extroverted person.The support network. a person who counts with good support from relatives or friends, to accompany you and help you contain and channel your anxieties, It will be easier for you to overcome this situation. whoever has to live in greater solitude.The dedication in recent times. Children who have provided care to parents and have accompanied them at the end of their days will feel more comforted; although having been in charge for a long time will also have produced a wear and tear from which it is convenient to recover.

Alzheimer’s, a farewell in advance

There is increasing awareness of the problems associated with this disease and there are more help networks: specialists, day centers, family groups… Because someone with Alzheimer’s ceases to be who they were for themselves and for others.

Children meet an unknown father or mother, which leads to a certain type of mourning in life to be able to maintain the relationship with them in the least traumatic way possible. If this process is not done and it is intended to continue talking to them and treating them as before you run the risk of frustration.

It is preferable assume their strangeness to continue providing them with the love and affection they need at this timeand also to protect oneself from despair.

What is mourning like when a parent dies?

Grief is a painful reaction to loss and usually takes a longer or shorter time. to be carried out. Every death and even any loss carries with it a process of mourning that, if fulfilled, helps to overcome it positively and move on.

In this process they usually occur or three stages coexist:

The first phase is disbelief. The person faces the loss by resisting considering it as a definitive and irreparable situation. It is a moment of great ambivalencein which acceptance and non-acceptance of that reality alternate, which is reflected in moments of calm and in others of anger, despair or great irritability. In order to continue the grieving process, the person must assume that their father or mother no longer exists in external reality. This acceptance can be more difficult if the death was unexpected or violent, if you could not be present in the last moments or in the last stage of your life.Once the loss is accepted we go through a second phase in which, despite the pain and sadness, we recognize the good that the deceased person has given us, taking stock of the relationship with them and being able to see their qualities with a certain objectivity, the time that it feels gratitude for all that has been received. But attention: also there is a risk of being pathologically identified with the destiny of that person, that is, with his death, and of living under a kind of unconscious dictation, as if saying to himself: “I’m going to follow you”. If it is not overcome, it multiplies the risk of getting sick or having an accident and, in extreme cases, it can lead to suicide.In the third and final phase, you learn to live without the figure of your father or mother; the son decides to move on without their real presence, but keeping their memory alive and what he received from them. Depending on the age and the type of bond with the parents, this stage can be more or less difficult. An adult person capable of making decisions is not the same as a young person who is highly dependent and in need of family support.

Tolerate feelings: pain must be expressed

Faced with the loss of one of the parents, it is easy to fall into a state of great negativity, with feelings that some people may not have experienced before with such magnitude.

Sadness, loneliness, guilt, confusion, or fear can be significantdepending on the severity of the situation. These are completely normal feelings that you should live with. for a time.

In order to better tolerate them, it is preferable to acknowledge them rather than deny or repress them. In other words: you have to allow yourself to be bad and not “play strong” as if nothing had happened. it suits feel that pain inside and be able to express it crying, talking to close people, being sadder than usual, etc.

It must be borne in mind that, depending on the degree of affectation, it is not feasible to be “one hundred percent” neither in the usual occupations nor in the relationship with friends and family. It will be necessary to lower the level of demand with oneself.

Sometimes this sadness borders on depressive state and everything looks black and meaningless, which can lead to hasty decisions that a person might later regret. Therefore it is preferable to postpone any important decision until you are mentally recovered and see things more clearly.

Although all these sensations can reach remarkable intensity, you have to consider what will end up happening. It is advisable to maintain a certain serenity within the pain and move forward little by little, taking into account that relapses may occur in this process; that is, after a few days or even weeks of feeling well, the sadness can suddenly appear again.

That going back and forth is normal; in fact, it is a sign that the duel is on its proper course. If the discomfort is very intense, long-lasting and hinders life, professional help should be sought and self-medication avoided.

The passage of time helps to become familiar with the new situation. There will be opportunities for to thank what was received, keeping alive his memory and his legacy of humanity.

How to help children in mourning for their parents?

The death of a parent It is one of the most painful and traumatic experiences a child can undergo.

The path that mourning takes and, therefore, overcoming the loss, will be totally iinfluenced by what is saidby the state in which the other parent remains and for the reactions of his family and friends.

Accompanying a child in their mourning requires, from the outset, not separating them from the reality they are experiencing with the pretense of saving them unnecessary suffering.

No matter how young, the child is sensitive to what happens in their immediate surroundings. Perceiving the sadness, crying and inconsolation of that environment makes you feel that something bad has happened.

Even if telling them what happened is painful or difficult, it is preferable to do it as soon as possible. Only if the death has occurred accidentally or unexpectedly is it advisable to set the child aside for a few hours so that the adults can assimilate the impact of the news.

In any case, it should be done with simple and understandable words for him.

If, for example, they already knew that their father or mother were very sick, they can be told that, as they had been explained, it was possible for them to die and that is what has happened. ANDt is very sad news, but that person has stopped living and will no longer be with us.If there has been an accident, it can be explained to you what happened and what although the doctors did their best they could not save his life.

Not all children react the same before this news.

As until the age of seven or eight, death is usually perceived as something provisional and reversible, it is probable that some do not cry and that they ask repeatedly when they will return dad or mom, so we will have to be very patient and explain to them over and over again that they will not return. Children over the age of ten are the most grief and crying will show, unless they mentally deny what happened and act as if nothing happened.

Children should participate in funerals and have the option of seeing the deceased, explaining to them what the process will be like and encouraging them to express how they feel. But we will have to be attentive to their mood swings, school performance, possible setbacks, loss of appetite, insomnia, etc.

The particularities of grief in an adolescent

Excess changes. The adolescent faces the death of the parents in an extremely complex stage for him, full of changes, difficulties and conflicts typical of age. Although his body seems more adult, his affectivity can be very immature and be affected by all those changes.emotional camouflage. The adolescent tends to hide the feelings from him. Faced with this loss You can try to play tough and strong, because he thinks that if he shows his vulnerable side, the others will think that he is weak. But internally he is feeling very intense and painful emotions that increase questions about the meaning of life, already normal at that age, to which it is easy to respond with feelings of rage and helplessness.false strength. This apparent ability can confuse adults, who may come to neglect themyear…