How to get out of a toxic relationship

A toxic relationship can last for years. These exhausting affective dynamics are imprinted in communication, in treatment and in a love that erodes self-concepts and identities. Getting out of these harmful circles is not easy, firstly because we are not always aware of it, and secondly, because we do not know how to put an end to these types of ties.

Why it happens? Why do we start (and maintain) these types of highly dangerous relationships? The truth is that when we talk about love, no one has the perfect manual that offers answers to all the questions. Falling in love means letting ourselves be carried away by a series of intense emotions., where it is sometimes very difficult to maintain balance and perspective of what is happening. There are many ways to love and sometimes, we end up giving shape to the most harmful one, the one that tends to leave the most consequences.

Likewise, it is also indicative that the same person can live more than one toxic relationship throughout his life. Does this mean that perhaps some of us have the profile of a “victim”, a person who can be easily manipulated?

The truth is that we cannot guarantee such an ideal. Absolutely. Nor should we see the toxic person focused exclusively on the “male role” and the victim, on the “female role.” The manipulator, The person who coerces, punishes and mistreats can perfectly fall on the side of both genders..

It is worth taking this into account, despite the fact that, without a doubt, the cases of women who end up being the focus of the majority of abuse are better known. It is therefore convenient to know what measures we can follow to get out of a toxic relationship.. For our own good, for our emotional health.

Why don’t we realize that we are living in a toxic relationship?

You may know someone in your personal circle who is living in a toxic relationship. You know it, but she is not aware. She doesn’t see it. And even though we try to show her that what she is experiencing is not normal, the person in question refuses to admit it. Why happens? Basically because of these dimensions:

We think that our partner can change, that what is happening is temporary. Since he loves us, sooner or later his behavior will improve. That is, we create an “idealized” vision of the couple that does not relate to reality.The manipulated person sometimes has very low self-esteem. Maybe before starting that relationship he was someone strong and self-confident. But over time, all that psychological fabric ends up being boycotted until it forms an absolute dependency.We often fall for blackmail. We cannot forget that a toxic relationship is sustained through a series of very specific emotional patterns on the part of one of the members: manipulation, victimhood, control and emotional blackmail with which to coerce the victim.The fear of loneliness, abandonment or rejection. Despite living in a toxic relationship, we think that “that” will always be better than being alone. It usually happens frequently, although it may seem surprising.Fear of consequences for leaving that person: There may be a clear fear of how the person themselves will react. Perhaps there is a violent component to take into account.

Strategies to get out of a toxic relationship

Awareness: end self-deception

We said it at the beginning. It is not at all easy to perceive the cycle of abuse, the bond that harasses us, the jealousy that persecutes us, the vocabulary that controls and denigrates. It is not easy because we put a blindfold on our eyes and another on our heart, the one that our own love for the toxic person puts on us..

Realizing this implies assuming something very specific: even if love exists, there are certain cases in which distance is better. Likewise, this is something that our environment, our family and friends always see first. It is likely that at some point they have tried to open our eyes, but we, reluctant to see beyond, preferred to stay here longer, glued to the toxic person.Ending self-deception is being able to see what situation we are in.. It is looking within to perceive the relief of the abuse, the closed pain, the absent self-esteem… In essence, unhappiness.

A mantra to be able to put emotional distance

A mantra is an expression, a word that repeated many times acquires a meaning in our mind. Thus, and from a therapeutic perspective, these types of mental strategies also help us to become emotionally aware of certain aspects that can be harmful to us.

For example, A mantra that we should integrate in these cases is the following: “What he says and does hurts me. This is not Love. His behavior is not going to change.” This simple strategy will help us put distance when we take that first step and attempts to resume the relationship appear. There are many people who restart their relationships again and again with this type of profile. Hence, it is necessary not only to have “zero contact” but also to use this tool to maintain distance.

Say no to fear, we deserve better

We have to do it: say no to fear, because that will be the main barrier that we will have to jump over. If we do not have the strength, we should never hesitate to ask for help. To a friend, a colleague, that family member who always supports us or any health or social services professional. We don’t have to do it alone. No one deserves a life inhabited by psychological exhaustion, pressure and fear.

It is clear that each couple is their own particular universe, but sometimes, Loneliness is much better than this type of harmful bonds established by a toxic relationship.

Leaving a toxic relationship is possible, it requires courage and good self-esteem. But we are all capable of achieving it, it is within your reach and it is the opportunity to turn the knob towards that door that will open a new happiness for you.

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Image: Viaska, John Cotmann