How to eliminate the need for approval

We all, to a greater or lesser extent, need our dose of external approval, since we are social beings by nature. However, there is a line that separates what is healthy from what is pathological in the context of relationships and that we must take into account if we do not want to establish bonds of dependency.

In fact, there are people who seem to have an overwhelming need to endorse their actions through others. When you are afraid of being original, genuine, spontaneous, in short, being yourself, to obtain the approval of others, there is a problem.

You must take into consideration that the opinions of others are sometimes also influenced by others. Therefore, it is fickle, anonymous and capricious.

As Steve Jobs said “Don’t let the noise of other people’s opinions drown out your inner voice.” A wise phrase that is easy to understand, but difficult to put into practice, since as a general rule, human beings want to please and be flattered. The question is find a balance to prevent personal well-being from depending on the opinions of others. Let’s delve into the need for approval.

What is the need for approval?

The need for approval It is the search for consent or approval from others for the things we do, say or think. The basis for this is insecurity, or the belief that our beliefs, opinions or actions could be wrong; Therefore, in an attempt not to make mistakes or disappoint those around us, we expect others to approve of us.

Now, as we will see below, the need for approval is a quality that we all have at birth. However, If it begins to govern our lives, it is most likely that there is an emotional dependence; which ends up harming our well-being and the quality of our relationships.

The need for approval from birth

To understand why some adults are dependent on being approved, we must go back to childhood. In the early stages of life we ​​need external approval, that is, that feeling of security that attachment figures provide us. In fact, if we don’t receive their approval, we will probably develop self-esteem problems.

If a mother tells her child that he is a disaster, does not trust him and instead of seeing his virtues focuses on his defects, when this child grows up he will have a weakened self-esteem and will look to others for that approval that he did not receive. But, You don’t always grow up with low self-esteem due to family evaluationssince the opinions of classmates, friends or teachers also influence.

According to Vernieri (2006) Self-image is the positive acceptance of what is reflected to others, which is based on personal experience and the care one has of oneself and which is built throughout life, from lived experiences and relationships with others.

However, it is logical that even in adulthood a certain approval is sought, since it reaffirms and gives security. However, The line between healthy and problematic approval seeking It is very fine. One way to identify where we are is to analyze whether our decisions and behaviors vary according to outside opinions.

When does the need for approval become dependency?

We could talk about dependence when we hand over the reins of our life to others, when our well-being depends on their opinions and evaluations. So the question would be do we want or need the opinion of others?

Next, We explain 5 alarm attitudes that could indicate to us that we are dependent to external approval:

Give different opinions and do not show disagreement. In this case, we try to be kind to please and not anger the person who has a different opinion than ours.Vary our emotional state according to the opinion of others. If we are flattered and approved we feel euphoric and happy, but if we are criticized and disapproved we feel sad and worthless.Not knowing how to say “no” and putting favors for others first to listen to our needs.Excessive concern about looking good. It is one thing that we like to get ready and do it often, and another that it becomes a necessity and we cannot be seen disheveled, without makeup or with an appearance that we consider to be unhealthy. People who have no need for approval have no problem showing themselves undressed, since they do it naturally.Not being spontaneous or authentic for fear of rejection. If we appear too correct before society and lose our naturalness and spontaneity, it could be that deep down we are afraid of being rejected. For this reason, they try to go unnoticed, to avoid receiving criticism.

Consequences of the need for approval

When the need for approval becomes a central aspect that governs our lives, we are most likely to experience the following consequences:

We stop being ourselves and become what others desire. When we subordinate our way of being to the opinions of others, we are leaving aside our essence as a person. In fact, we can reach a point where we don’t know what we want, or who we are. Ultimately, we lose our identity.Anxiety disorders. We let our own well-being depend on what the other person says or thinks. In this way, uncertainty and fear take over us, causing catastrophic thoughts, tremors, tachycardia, hyperventilation, dizziness, phobias, etc.Fear of making mistakes. Since the need for approval is based on personal insecurity, we believe that we are good or capable enough; Therefore, we begin to feel afraid of making mistakes and that other people will criticize us.Recurrent feelings of sadness. The constant fear of making mistakes, believing that we are not capable of doing things well, burying our own identity to please others, etc. It ends up generating deep discomfort and suffering in people.

How to eliminate this need for pathological approval?

We can eliminate the need for approval by changing our thoughts and beliefs.. It is not enough to understand it, but it is necessary to reflect deeply and believe in the following points:

We can’t please everyone

Whoever you are, whatever virtues you have, everyone will never like you. There will always be people who criticize us and disapprove, and that will happen to every human being on this planet. Therefore, liking everyone is an impossible goal.

Even the most recognized artists have their detractors. The Beatles, considered one of the best groups in history, are not liked by everyone. The same goes for Picasso, Miró, Dalí, Mondrian, Kandinsky, etc. Also with writers like Bukowski, Kerouac, Wilde…

No matter how renowned we are, No matter how many followers we may have, there will be someone who will not like what we do, and that should not disturb us, since taste is something subjective.

No one knows us like we know ourselves

Another mistaken thought is believing that others are in possession of the truth.. People with a need for approval believe outside opinions more than their own.

Nobody knows us as well as we do, and It often happens that wrong opinions are formed without rational bases. Therefore, we should not give so much power to what others think of us, because they may be wrong. Only we ourselves are the ones who can have stable criteria of self-concept.

Make your decisions

Every time we have to make a decision we should ask ourselves this question, on what basis are we making this decision? Are we influenced by the opinion and desires of others? What do we want, if we leave social opinion aside? Decide according to your criterianot according to that of others.

We are neither more nor less than anyone

We are neither more nor less valuable than others. We are all equal, no matter the successes achieved, nor the possessions nor the self-confidence. The only important thing is who you are as a person, the human values ​​that define you.

Disapprovals do not mean rejection

Habitually, Any criticism is taken as a disparagement of our person, when in reality it is often a rejection of a taste., way of life, opinion, etc. For example, someone might disapprove of another because of musical taste or political issues. That does not mean that they are rejecting us as a person, but it is a matter of not getting along in tastes.

Maria Nieves Veraprofessor at the Department of Personality, Evaluation and Psychological Treatment of the University of Granada, gives us a few keys to positively handle criticism:

React calmly to criticism to put our patience into practice and learn not to feel attacked. Learn to control our negative emotions. Reflect that criticism is just an opinion and therefore, it should not put our self-esteem at risk.Take advantage of criticism to evaluate if it is really good (constructive) or it is an attempt at manipulation.If the criticism is good we can take advantage of it and learn from it, instead of ruining our relationship with the person who made it to us. It is also the case that the criticism is accurate but the words are painful. In this situation, we can take advantage of it and teach the person who has criticized us another, more correct way to express their opinion. In case they try to manipulate us, the best way to frustrate the other person’s plans is to react calmly. React calmly. irascible way can show our weak points to the other person. So once again, better remain calm and relaxed.If the criticism is accurate, we learn from it; If it is not, reaffirm our position, always from calm. Remaining calm allows us to emerge victorious from a situation that normally becomes unpleasant.

Often, Criticism of mistakes made is taken as disapproval of the person, when in reality it has nothing to do with it. What has been rejected was simply an erroneous way of acting, but that error does not define a person, since every human being makes mistakes and evolves thanks to them.

Those who do not seek it or need it usually have more approval

Paradoxically, People who don’t think about approval tend to be more accepted than those who seek it.. The explanation would be that we tend to like what is authentic, even if it does not coincide with our opinions, more than what is submissive and dedicated.

Strengthen your self-esteem

One of the biggest causes of the need for approval is weak self-esteem.….