How to Break Up with Someone in the Healthiest Way Possible

A relationship is synonymous with complicity, learning, respect, companionship and respect where all this is motivated by love. We are enchanted, involved and fall in love with someone else and allow ourselves to create plans (and even implement them) side by side. But what to do when that relationship no longer seems to be meeting the needs needed to be together?

Breaking up is never easy, especially if you still care about the other person. Doing this in a way that doesn’t lead to sadness, embarrassment and communication problems is not an easy task and many don’t even know how to do it in a way that doesn’t hurt – even more – the other.

Of course, there’s no such thing as a “perfect ending,” but if you’re the bearer of bad news, there are a number of steps you can take before and during this conversation to make the experience as healthy as possible for both of you.

1

Think carefully before making the decision

Breaking up is something you want to do after thinking about it for a while. If you are having doubts and concerns about your relationship, it is important to share these with your partner before breaking up. It’s not nice for the other party to be taken by surprise without even having a chance to improve on points that he/she didn’t even know bothered you. “In cases of doubt, it is important seek individual or couple therapy to help in the process of self-knowledge. When all the ways to improve the relationship are exhausted and the person realizes that the passion is coming to an end and that there has been no improvement in the couple’s communication, or that there is no more partnership, complicity, respect and admiration, it may be the moment of termination” advises psychologist Vanessa Gebrim.

Having a well-thought-out breakup also means that the breakup will not be painful, even for those who have decided to end the relationship.”And it is clear that the end of a relationship is always mourning and it even has the stages of mourning. You invested, you wanted it to work out, but the thing foundered, obviously you will also be frustrated, you will have to deal with your frustration and, evidently, you will suffer, you may miss what was good in the relationship, of what was good and was lost in the relationship, but you will have to deal with it” explains psychologist Renato Caminha.

two

Write down what you want to say (but say it out loud to the person)

Once you’ve decided you want to end your relationship, it’s important to give yourself time and space to think about what you want to say before actually saying it. The conversation itself will likely be stressful, and when you’re stressed, you tend to lose access to the logical and rational parts of your brain.

Writing down exactly what you want to say and practicing beforehand can help anchor the message so that when you’re in the heat of the moment, you’ll be able to communicate your thoughts effectively. Furthermore, it is important to establish communication, not a monologue. “It is always important to respect the other and give space for him to speak too. In case they start to argue, it is always good that the person is emotionally prepared, trying to remain calm and showing firmness in the decision”, says Vanessa.

That said, don’t try to create the perfect script – it doesn’t exist. It’s natural to want to say all the right things so your soon-to-be ex doesn’t feel sad. But this is inevitable.

3

practice empathy

As you plan, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Welcome and understand the suffering of the other, when you fall in love, empathizing with the other is much easier, but when you are ready to break up, it can be tempting not to care about the impact of the breakup on him/her. But a little empathy can prevent problems in the future. “AND a rather harsh, unpleasant thing to say and feel, the other’s emotions are entirely the other’s responsibility. The person will have to have a level of maturity, tolerance and frustration to know that I no longer want to be with you and that involves having self-esteem and frustration tolerance to understand that the person no longer wants to be with you” completes Renato .

4

Accept that you won’t be able to control their reaction.

No matter what you say and how empathetically you say it, you cannot control how the other person will react. There is no guarantee that the conversation will be effective, as you only control the message sent, not how it is received.

That said, there are many factors that can influence how well the message is received. For example, if you’re so focused on breaking up that you forget that in a few days it’s already their birthday, they’ll probably get even angrier.

5

Don’t allow yourself to feel guilty.

It’s not good to break up, especially if it’s someone you care deeply about, but it’s not wrong either, so you shouldn’t feel guilty.

Even if he/she thinks everything is perfect, remember that it’s okay to leave a relationship that isn’t working for you. It’s a choice you’re making because you don’t see a future together. And if it’s not a good fit for you, then it’s not a good fit for them, even though they might not be aware of it as much as you are.

Do your mental health a favor and remember that not every relationship is going to work out – this doesn’t make your partner a bad person or necessarily mean they did something wrong.

6

Break the news face to face

Yes, it’s easier to do this without having to see each other’s faces – and possible tears – but you owe it to them. “One suggestion is to never finish through social media. It is always good to maintain privacy and seek amicable terms. It is better to end the relationship when the friendship still exists than to let the situation evolve to when the fights start to take over everything”, says Vanessa.

But of course your safety comes first. If you don’t feel safe enough to meet to break up in person (either because of the pandemic or because you feel threatened by your ex), break up virtually or over the phone.

7

think of the place

There’s no “right” venue for this type of conversation, but keep in mind that a restaurant with loud music where you’ll have to scream your feelings, for example, is probably not a wise choice.

Many people prefer public places as a way of trying to temper a potential emotional outburst in the other, but that’s not fair to them. They have a right to react with emotion in a place where they feel safe to do so, so the best alternative is a more private place.

But again: prioritize your safety. If you don’t feel safe, choose a public place.

8

Use “I” speech

The best way to finish is a way that, in general, most people cannot, which is called honesty to your principles, to your emotions. “The best way to end is by saying “I no longer have affection for you” or “this relationship is no longer meeting my needs”, and be direct to the other person. It’s hard to do because sometimes people have a hard time looking someone in the face and saying that. People sometimes cheat, sometimes they start doing things to frustrate the partner, many times they intend the relationship so that it will generate a breakup” says Renato.

Look at the breakup as a problem in the relationship, not a shortcoming in your partner. It’s the relationship that isn’t working, not the other person’s personality. There may be someone out there who works perfectly for him/her, but it’s not you.