How to accept a loss: reflections to overcome it

Last month, in barely two weeks, I had the opportunity to Accompany three people in their respective moments of serious vital crises. My daughter’s violin teacher, whom she greatly appreciates, suddenly had to move out of town and she will no longer be able to take classes from him; a friend lost his mother after two years of fighting against cancer and, thirdly, a girl who comes to my office, After 25 years of marriage, they took the step of separating of her husband.

these three people they will have to go through a grieving process to overcome their personal crises, a time in their lives marked by conscious or unconscious search for acceptance of this new situation.

Turning points and duels

The above situations are very different from each other, but they all have a common denominator: each of these people has suffered a very important loss in their life trajectorya break in his continuum that marks an undeniable before and after in his life.

The differences between them also show that the feeling of mourning extends far beyond the death of a loved one. We can go through a duel when suffering the absence of a person in our life (even if they continue to live) or even before a new situation or a loss of status.

All stages of grief are necessary

Grief is a physical and emotional journey, a process that everyone must go through more than once throughout his life to be able to rebuild and adapt to each of the new vital circumstances.

Any type of mourning, regardless of the situation that has caused it, goes through the five stages who listed Elisabeth Kübler-Ross to
late 1960s: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

However, grief is not a linear process: its stages can overlap and mix. Sometimes a person can get stuck in one of those phases and, if he doesn’t move on that path, he can end up feeling unable to overcome the loss.

Perhaps the main hurdle that we all have to overcome when suffering a loss of any kind is learn not to get stuck in the initial suffering; although sometimes the pain doesn’t come right awayso that the duel begins with its stage of denial and does not move forward -you do not walk to accept this reality and face it-, for which the penalty can be submerged and appear later.

Regardless of the order and form in which we save those phases, to leave renewed to the new life that opens after the crisis caused by the loss, It is essential to cross them and you will overcome them all.

How to manage the pain of an absence

When the loss occurs, the pain is intense, excruciating, physical and emotional. Everything that reminds us of a break makes us suffer. Learn to transform this sufferingvery intense, in a pain that we can accept, handle and with which we can live, it is essential to go through a healthy duel.

It is not convenient for us to anchor ourselves in suffering, but neither is it convenient to deny pain.

To achieve this, we need, in addition to time – different for each person – to immerse ourselves in our pain, not reject it (ignore it as if nothing had happened) or tie ourselves to its most disabling version (the suffering we’ve already talked about). If we deepen our grief, if we allow ourselves live it, mourn it and when we are ready, understand what happenedwe will be able to assimilate our new circumstances, accept them and face life with renewed enthusiasm. we can start againget out of our emotional paralysis and develop new life plans.

Turning the page is not forgetting

Once assimilated and accepted, the pain of the loss will always remain with us., will surely accompany us for life. However, it will not be paralyzing or incapacitating pain, It will be one that reminds us of a version of ourselves from the past.a variant of ourselves who suffered, learned from the crisis and knew how to get out of it with renewed strength.

When we remember our loved onewe will feel sorry, but we will no longer suffer and we will be able to look back on our time together from a new perspective. When we remember that wonderful teacher, we will not mourn his absence, but we will play the pieces that he taught us using
their techniques. When we remember the time together with our ex-husband, we can congratulate ourselves for having had the strength to overcome this significant stage of our lives.

A new beginning

Life is a continuous transformation. Losing a loved one, a job, a partner, a serious illness, is very painful, but If we give ourselves the necessary time, we can come to assimilate, understand and accept our loss. And we will be prepared for life again.

Duels show us that life brings with it pain, sadness, deep grief, that we do not have to shy away from these emotions and sensations, however painful they may be.

Reflections that help to overcome it

1. Change is part of life.

“Everything changes, nothing remains” said Heraclitus. Accepting that in life there will always be losses, that we cannot control everything, helps us to cope with life’s vicissitudes with less suffering. The sorrow will be there but it will not catch us by surprisesince we will know of its existence. Pain, then, does not become an enemy, but an old acquaintance who should not be fought but accepted and understood.

2. Pain can accompany us.

Always living conditioned by the pain of the past or by the fear of possible suffering in the future does not help. If we focus on our present life we ​​will enjoy, day by day, what we have. Let’s flow through all the experiences that life offers us. The pain, the sadness, the anger… They are also part of our reality. If we accept them, their presence in our lives will not be marked by rejection.

3. We have the right to be sad.

Denying the pain does not help us restore balance. Neither lengthen our suffering for our loss. Giving ourselves permission to immerse ourselves in pain and express all emotions will allow us to experience grief and its phases. Let’s not deny ourselves the vital need to go through crises. To get over
a duel and direct our life towards a new course, before we have to assimilate, understand and accept what happened.

4. Each duel is a different journey.

All loss entails rupture, suffering, pain and needs the time of mourning to be assimilated and understood. There is no great or small loss, the grief cannot be measured. Sadness is a personal and subjective experience and no one can feel and understand its intensity in the same way. External views on suffering –based on judgments and even prejudices– They bring nothing, except more discomfort.

5. All losses count.

Mourning is not only experienced by the death of a loved one. Let something that is important to us disappear from our life (our pets, a job, a partner, a friendship…) can lead us to go through a true grieving process that, to be overcome, it must be accepted and lived. Expressing our pain and understanding its meaning will help us come to terms with our loss.

6. We can learn on this path.

Children also face grief processes in their lives. In these circumstances, the attitude of the parents must be exquisite. Far from dramatics, we have to talk to them naturally about losses and changes as part of life. Of course, we must show our pain and talk about it, but trying to make them see that in life all emotions and feelings have their reason for being.