How can I get over resentment towards my mother?

In this video Laura Gutman analyzes the following situation raised by a reader:

“Will I ever stop resenting my mother? She was an absent mother during my childhood, and even now, in my 40s and 60s, I am still not at peace. Is it better that I just accept this feeling?”

what is resentment

Resentment is a burden that comes to us, it is not a decision, because I am sure that resentment also has a place, and that place does not allow other feelings to surface.

It’s important that everyone we understand, as globally as possible the reasons why each of us do what we do. In reality, we all do what we can and to the best of our ability. I have never seen anyone do their worst in any area of life. We all do our best.

So, probably, this lady’s mother, when she was a young mother, within her reality, her understanding and her ignorance, also did the best she could. What we can do, when we expand knowledge, is understand the multiple reasons from our multiple ignorances, and once we understand it, there is no room for resentment, because we understood. That’s it, we understand.

It happened like this. Did my mom hurt me? Yes. I was a girl and she was my mother? Yes. Did my mom do it on purpose? No. Did she do the best she could? Yes, because in turn she came from a history of greater ignorance, greater lack of love, greater cruelty or whatever happened to her. So, he did what he could.

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pain vs resentment

Now, if I created this resentment, at some point I also created this resentment that saved me from pain, because when you’re angry, it hurts less. Coming in contact with pain is more painful. Anger, anger, violence, aggression is something that makes me more active and distances me a little from pain.

On the other hand, if I simply stayed with the fact that this was very painful for me, there would be no room for resentment. What happened to us when we were children is over. We cannot go back to the past, but what we do have to do is recognize, to know, to know, to understand what happened to us in order to later understand what we have become and also to understand the other actors on that stage. Of course, Mom is a very important actress, and once I understand that, there is no more room for resentment.

For me, this person who is asking is still holding on to resentment because it keeps them alive, active, with that more battling vital energy, and that helps her not to connect with the pain. Everyone does what he can. If resentment works for you, it works for you, but hey, it’s like when you get angry, then you have to let go of it.