Hearts of ice: people with problems expressing feelings

Affection and its daily signs are undoubtedly the psychological and emotional tendon that sustains any happy and lasting relationship.. However, there are those who do not know, cannot or refuse to shape this type of language. They are the so-called “hearts of ice”, people full of contradictions, fears and barbed wire that cause great suffering to their spouses and even their children due to their problems expressing feelings.

It is no surprise that both the effect and the affectionate communication itself are that cornerstone that builds any meaningful bond. So much so, that this is the main reason why many people go to couples therapy. It is very common, in fact, for some of the members to express not feeling recognized or appreciated. or even more so, that there is a clear inequality between what one offers and what one receives.

Many psychotherapists define this problem as skin hunger, Skin hunger, although in reality, is a problem that goes far beyond the senses. We are talking about non-validated emotions, about problems expressing feelings that are not only neglected, but are sometimes treated with hostility and coldness. Few situations can be as destructive for a person as finding themselves in such a position.in such an abysmal emotional void where, sooner or later, we begin to doubt our own relationship and whether we are truly loved.

Affection and our emotional “survival”

People not only need food to survive, nutrients with which to obtain energy so that our cells carry out all those fascinating processes that do not allow us to go beyond survival. As curious as it may be, Affection also nourishes us, offers us strength and a sense of belonging to a small group of people with whom we identify.with whom we argue, but also with whom we feel safe and happy: they are ours.

We have an example of all this in Juan Mann, founder of the famous movement Free Hugs. This young man felt so deprived of human contact that for a time he even thought the worst. Abandoned by his partner, without friends, with his parents separated from him and his grandmother sick, he felt like he was dying. Until one day, at a party, something wonderful happened: a girl spontaneously hugged him when she empathized with his sadness. The cold, for a moment, disappeared from his heart and the world once again had harmony, balance and, above all, meaning.

After that brief experience, Juan Mann decided to stand on a street with a large sign announcing that he offered to give hugs to anyone who needed one. That was therapeutic, fantastic, sensational… he felt so deprived of contact and affection, that his mind was already bordering the abyss of depression, of the most extreme despair.

He was never so happy, and in fact, as he himself explained in a documentary, what fascinated him most was seeing how people agreed first with some surprise, but later, when they separated from him After the hug, everyone had a big smile on their face: everyone won.

Hearts of ice or the inability to offer affection

We already know that offering affection is something so “primitive” and necessary that not only do we see it among ourselves, but also our animals search daily for that caress, that look in which they can be moved by our complicity and our kind words. So, if these types of connections are natural, basic and magical at the same time, why are there people who act like real hearts of ice?

Good, The first thing we must understand is that there is no single cause related to problems expressing feelings. We cannot group all these behaviors under the same label or see them as something pathological, like a disorder.

What there is in most cases is low self-esteem. This lack of self-confidence makes them almost always defensive in their emotional relationships. With this, they seek above all to minimize the risk of feeling rejected or even more so, to avoid showing what they understand as “vulnerability.”

On the other hand, There is another aspect that we cannot neglect: the parenting style. Being born and raised in an environment with an absolute deprivation of affection, where attachment is insecure or simply lacking, will undoubtedly mean that many people do not understand, do not value or do not dare to offer that type of language that, in a certain way, , they did not get to know in their childhood. Hence the problems expressing feelings.

Alexithymia: forced hearts of ice

Sometimes, having a heart of ice is not due to emotional and learning factors, but rather there is a real and pathological deficit in this sense. We are talking about alexithymia, a disorder that makes the subject unable to recognize and verbally express one’s own emotions.

It is a neurological deficit that affects the interhemispheric connection and the right prefrontal cortex. As a consequence of these deficits, introspection and social cognition are affected, so that other brain structures are also involved, such as the parietal, temporal, premotor, cingulate and inferior frontal gyrus cortices, as well as the amygdala. and the insula.

Finally and to conclude, there is something that we cannot forget. We cannot “force” these people to express their affection, since this strategy never works. What’s more, trying to do it in this direct way can have a very counterproductive effect and achieve exactly the opposite of what we intended. Let’s not forget that they have problems expressing feelings.

The most appropriate thing is to work from the needs of each person, their psychological and emotional reality. In a good part of the cases, The most logical therapeutic strategy will be focused on working on self-esteem, building a more positive and secure self-image.

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