Heal the wounds of the absent father

A family configuration, quite common in our society, is one where the father is absent. Let’s see in detail the impact of this experience on children and how it can be overcome.

We all know how complex it can be to define the term family. Do we integrate those who share our same blood into this dimension? Or those people we have freely chosen and with whom we build positive and meaningful bonds? What happens when there is an absent father?

Talking about family sometimes awakens certain wounds, disappointments and small resentments. In fact, we could safely say that One of the most complex figures that occur most frequently is that of the “absent father.” It is very possible that this situation is familiar to you. That you have experienced it firsthand or that you have observed it in your closest social circle.

The absent father is not only the physical emptiness of a figure that we did not have, sometimes, it is also someone who “even though he was there” did not know how or did not want to exercise his role. It is a psychological absence capable of causing various emotional wounds in the child.

Sometimes, when we ask someone to tell us about their family, they do not hesitate to tell us a thousand stories about their mothers, grandparents, uncles… however, When it comes to talking about the father, the smile is forced and silence appears. They shrug their shoulders and hesitate a little… “Well, I don’t know, my father was… he was just him. He was there, just like that.”

We do not want to say that this type of emotional emptiness is characteristic exclusively of the father figure, it can also occur in the mother. However, it is very common that when talking about this type of harmful education, capable of leaving maturation marks, the figure of the absent father is very common. We invite you to delve a little deeper into it.

The father who is emotionally absent, but present in the family

Growing up without a father, without a mother or without a relevant figure in our childhood due to a traumatic event, is something that we will always carry, and that leaves internal scars that we try to cope with.

However, the fact of growing up with a father figure who, despite being present, is incapable of providing fullness, affection or recognition, leaves currents of emptiness in the heart of a child who is learning to build his world.

There are those who comment that the weight of upbringing, care and education falls on the maternal figure. We are not going to deny its importance when it comes to creating that healthy attachment with which we have security in each of our steps. Now, the father is also important, and that is something that no one can deny; Therefore, what happens when there is an absent father in the family who does not establish any bond with his children?

Read Also: Slips, a serious and fun topic at the same time

Consequences of an absent father in childhood

A child’s brain is an avid processor of stimuli, and in its daily life, it needs positive reinforcement above all to be able to grow maturely and safely. An absent father generates inconsistencies, gaps and difficulty of treatment. The child expects affection, communication, and daily interaction with which to open himself to the world also through his father. However, he only finds walls.

An empty and elusive treatment generates anxiety in children, they do not know “what to expect”, they develop expectations that are not met, and they also tend to compare “other parents” to those they have at home. They know that their friends’ parents act differently than theirs.

That said, children who grow up without a father can be expected to show some of the following signs:

Difficulty adapting to the world and reality.Constant fear of being abandoned.They present academic problems (low performance, school dropouts, learning difficulties, etc.)Uninhibited social relationships.Little or no emotional intelligence.Aggressive behavior towards peers.They develop a reactive attachment, meaning they rarely seek comfort when they feel upset.

Consequences of an absent father in adulthood

For its part, the figure of an absent father can generate emotional detachment in adulthood. which makes us more insecure when establishing certain relationships. We can become somewhat distrustful; Well, the idea of projecting a high emotional charge on someone makes us afraid, we fear being betrayed, or not recognized. Or worse yet, ignored.

Nevertheless, These fears and insecurities can also produce excessive dependence on others., where the fear of being abandoned and the excessive need to please others drive most of our actions. Leaving aside one’s own interests and preferences in favor of being recognized and loved.

Now, it is also possible that, as we get older, we realize many more things. We recognize the effort our mother made to make up for our father’s shortcomings.and how, more than once, he excused him with phrases like… “You already know what your father is like”, “Don’t do those things that you already know your father doesn’t like”, “You just don’t understand…”

As we mature, our eyes open to the world and can read between the lines. Giants become dwarfs because we already know their secrets. However, a part of us remains vulnerable to that past.

In fact, in many cases, the wounds left by an absent father can be so deep that they generate some of the following consequences:

1. Difficulty adapting to new situations

Adults who grew up without a father may have difficulty adapting to life changes, such as: job changes, moving, relationship breakups, etc. Therefore, When faced with them, they experience a lot of discomfort and high amounts of anxiety.

Read Also: The art of thinking well to live better

2. Tendency towards addiction

For their part, they may be adults with a high vulnerability to addiction, whether to toxic substances, objects, or people. For example, they may be addicted to sex, pornography, drugs, alcohol, etc. Whatever the case, Addiction in these cases will be a way to fill that void left by growing up without a father.

3. Low emotional intelligence

Likewise, they can be adults who They are easily frustrated, lack assertiveness and empathy, and have a poor emotional vocabulary.and they have difficulty properly channeling their emotions.

4. Attachment to material objects

Just as with addictions, attachment to material objects is a way to deal with that emotional wound left by the absent father. In this case, The person projects their own emotions of abandonment onto the object, so they experience discomfort if they have to get rid of it.

5. Passive attitude in relationships

Being individuals with a deep fear of abandonment, They tend to be very complacent or condescending to everyone around them; even with unknown people. Their goal is not to make others uncomfortable, because they believe that if they do, no one will love them and they will end up alone.

6. Emotional discomfort

The lack of emotional intelligence, the difficulty in adapting to changes, the excessive attachment to people and objects, among others, causes deep discomfort. which only worsens the pain of emotional wounds produced in childhood.

7. Suffering from a psychological disorder

Finally, the trauma of having grown up without a father can lead to suffering from some psychological disorder in adulthood, such as: depression or anxiety.

How to overcome the wounds of an absent father

You have grown up, you maintain your life, you proudly wear your impregnable armor, and you are very clear about what you should do today to avoid making the same mistakes that your parents made with you.

However, the void of the absent father is still thereand it doesn’t matter if you are still in contact with him in the present, or if you have already lost him, or if you remain silent at family gatherings and pretend as if the past had never existed.

Whatever the case, the first thing we should do is “understand”. Understand that the absent father is a man who did not know how to exercise his role as a father, because he never understood his role as a person very well. It is very possible that an absent father did not have adequate personal skills, good self-esteem, an internal balance that would allow him to see his mistakes, his fears and his own shortcomings.

However Does this justify what he did to us? The emotional void it left us? Not at all, but understanding sometimes helps us adjust reality, to avoid storing more negative emotions.

You know that you have grown and matured with many gaps because of that type of education, and those emotional deficiencies. However, There always comes a time when we should cut the link with yesterday’s suffering, to heal the wounds in this present.

Read Also: 5 steps to overcome a traumatic memory

That being said, here is a list of tips that can help you overcome the wounds of growing up with an absent father.

1. Be aware of your emotions

Take some time alone to listen to yourself and be aware of the emotions that growing up with an absent father generates in you. For example, if you have memories of abandonment, ask yourself how that makes you feel: Do you feel anger, fear, sadness, disappointment?

It is important that you pay attention to all these emotions and allow yourself to channel them. If you feel like crying, yelling, cursing, etc., then do it. The ideal is that you give these emotions space so that they stop making you uncomfortable.

Likewise, if you have positive memories with your father, do not try to repress the pleasant emotions that these may produce in you. However contradictory they may be, Give yourself the opportunity to bring to your consciousness all the emotional complex that the situation deserves.

2. Accept and validate how you feel

After you are aware of all the emotions that the situation with your father awakens, it is time to understand and validate them. Don’t blame yourself for feeling what you feel and accept that you are a human who feels and suffers.

Try to be compassionate with yourself and give yourself the opportunity to comfort yourself. Remember that all your emotions are valid, no matter how unpleasant they are. The ideal is to give space to everyone.

3. Empathize with your father

Other people also experience emotions and have their own perspectives on life, which do not have to be compatible with ours. Therefore, Whatever the case, try to put yourself in your father’s shoes and try to understand his actions.

For example, if he abandoned you, it is very likely that he was very afraid of assuming the role of father; and if he mistreated you, it is likely that his parents were just as violent with him, so he did not learn another way to relate.

It’s not about justifying your actions, but about understanding what’s behind them. and be aware that their actions have a reason and, most importantly, that you are not to blame for any of them.

4. Don’t try to forget

Leaving aside traumatic childhood experiences will not magically make them overcome. So Don’t try to forget negative memories as a way to overcome suffering, as you will only make them worse.

Give space to memories and the emotions they generate. Well, to the extent that you make them, the discomfort they produce…