Harvard Psychologist Reveals The 9 Toxic Phrases Manipulators Say To Gaslight You (And How To Respond To Them)

When someone gaslights you or gaslighting manipulates you to the point that it makes you doubt your own feelings and perceptions of reality. It is a typical behavior of people who want to control relationships (personal or also work). Being gaslighted can hurt your self-esteem or even lead you to suffer from anxiety or depression. However, It is common not to realize that we are victims of gaslighting.

The doctorCortney Warren, Harvard-trained psychologist who specializes in trauma and relationships, has seen this firsthand and revealed on CNBC the nine phrases people who gaslight use. are authentic red flag: if you hear them daily, You suspect that you are being manipulated.

9 phrases that people who manipulate you say

take note of these 9 common phrases in manipulative people. They respond to some of the tactics that manipulators may use to exert control and power over you. If you identify them in the mouth of someone in your environment –personal or work– maybe you should rethink the relationship you have with this person.It is important to remember that you are entitled to your own feelings and perceptions, and that you should not allow anyone to make you doubt them.

1. “are you crazy”

Dr. Cortney Warren explains that manipulative people are always trying to make you question your sanity. How do they do that? They continually throw in direct comments that call into question your perspective or rationality.

You will know that they use this tactic if they usually tell you: “You are crazy”, “You should take your medication (in a pejorative sense)”, “Your head is going away”… In this situation, the Harvard psychologist recommends answering: ” Please don’t question my ability to think clearly.” or “Even if we don’t agree, that’s how I see reality.”

2.”You are exaggerating”

Another tactic from people who gaslight you is Accusing you of being an overly dramatic person when, in reality, you are realizing that he is trying to manipulate you. This is how the manipulator makes you believe that your suspicions are irrational and unfounded.

Imagine, for example, that you tell him that he only tells you that you are not very sane to achieve his goals.The manipulator is likely to reply that it’s not such a big deal, that it is an expression like any other and that your answer is disproportionate. When told you’re exaggerating, you can respond, “I know you don’t agree with me, but that’s how I feel right now. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t judge my feelings. They’re mine and not up for debate,” suggests Dr. Cortney. Warren.

3. “It was a joke!”

It is also typical of manipulative people to minimize their malicious comments or criticism. They throw the dart and then disguise it as a joke. ring a bell? It is the typical situation in which you end up doubting yourself and wondering if perhaps you are too hot-tempered or sensitive.

If it happens to you, it is good that you remind the person that this comment, although it may be funny to him/her, it has hurt you. Lhe Harvard psychologist recommends saying, “I didn’t think you were joking, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk to me that way.”

4. “I did it for you”

This tactic is very subtle and difficult to identify. what they do is blaming you for any action they took that didn’t go as they planned. That is, it is common for manipulators not to take responsibility for their actions and to divert any criticism or blame onto you.

For example, imagine that your partner leaves his job without giving much thought to the matter and then cannot find a job and tells you that he left because you did not like that he spent so many hours away from home. Dr. Cortney Warren recommends using this phrase in this situation: “I can’t really make you do anything. Your behavior is a reflection of your choices, not mine.”

5. “If you loved me, you would let me do what I want.”

Although the gaslighting It is not exclusive to relationships, it is true that it is usually the environment where it happens the most. That’s why It is common that when trying to establish limits with the manipulative person, he reacts trying to make you feel bad, guilty or even accusing you of not loving him enough to do what he is asking you to do. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t leave with your friends now”, “If you loved me, you would understand that I need this and you would support me” or “If you loved me, you would do this for me” are common phrases in manipulative people.

How to respond: “My boundaries are a reflection of my values ​​and how I choose to live my life. I don’t feel comfortable doing this. I’m telling you, not asking you, to respect my boundaries,” suggests Dr. Warren.

6. ‘I’m only telling you this because I love you’

“You should take more care of yourself because you’re losing the line and I’m telling you because I love you.” This is another red flag. If you have ever tried to justify certain rude – or even abusive – comments by saying that they are said from a place of love… You are most likely in front of a manipulative person!

Trust your instincts, and if you ever find yourself in this situation, set healthy boundaries. You can say, “Thank you, but I’m not interested in that way of showing love to me.”

7. It’s your fault!

A manipulator may try to accuse you of harmful actions even making you doubt yourself. Sometimes they are so blunt with their words thatand they even make you doubt yourself, your actions or your intentions.

Faced with this situation, the Harvard specialist recommends that you consider your share of responsibility and, if you see that you are not really guilty of what you are accused of, respond: “I am willing to take responsibility for my role in this, but I am not I will take responsibility for yours.”

8. ‘Everyone agrees with me, you’re the difficult person.’

Falsely aligning yourself with others is another common tactic of manipulators. In this way they make you doubt yourself and also try to make you believe that you have no one to support you and that, in reality, you need them. Their goal is to make you think that you are alone and that no one else will put up with you.

Faced with this situation, the Harvard psychologist recommends responding: “I would appreciate it if you speak for yourself, and not for others.”

9. ‘Actually, the real problem is…’

When a person realizes that they are being manipulated and tries to expose the situation to the manipulative person, it is common for them to try to divert attention and look for external culprits. If it happens to you, she tries to redirect the conversation. You can say, “Please don’t change the subject.” o “You don’t seem to want to acknowledge how you’re contributing to the problem,” concludes Dr. Cortney Warren.