Genius mismatch in a relationship

In couples therapy, we often see arguments based on a lack of understanding of the other’s point of view. It is what we describe, in everyday life, as incompatibility of geniuses. In this text, we will talk about this topic, in particular, about the question: “does it have to be a total compatibility of the two personalities for the relationship to work?”

genius and personality

In fairy tales, which tell many truths with their fantastic narratives, we find the figure of genius. In other cultures, the word for genius is djin or jina… if our spelling was phonetic, we could write – why not? – jenius. Finally, these figures, like the genie in the lamp that comes to fulfill a wish or will, are used in this popular expression incompatibility of geniuses.

Another use for genius, as we know, is the so-called geniuses of mankind. Mozart, Beethoven, Plato, Aristotle and so many others. The idea is of a class of people, special ones, let’s say, who perform prodigies worthy of a djin, a jiva or jina.

In general, we don’t consider ourselves geniuses in this sense, having extraordinary talents. However, we say that our genius “did not match the other person’s” or we justify the end of a relationship as if the fundamental reason were, therefore, the incompatibility between one genius and another.

In psychology, we restrict the term genius to the concept of giftedness. A gifted person is that of a super… one more, in any branch of intelligence. The sense of not being compatible is expressed by the term “personality differences”. In other words, we don’t talk about genius but about personality.

Regardless of the word, there is something very interesting about these terms. As we know, the term personality comes from the Greek word persona, which means mask. Mask like those of Greek theater actors. The etymology of persona is person, by the sound. The persona, the mask, is the garment through which the sound comes out.

So, to facilitate understanding, we can think of the personality, concretely, as an almost permanent mask. (The DSM-5, the American Psychiatric Association’s Manual of Mental Disorders, defines a personality disorder as a persistent pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual’s culture, is pervasive and inflexible, begins in adolescence or early early adulthood, is stable over time and leads to distress or impairment (so the key here is the word stability).

Thus, a person has a personality type. Let’s imagine: she has a stable and permanent mask through which she expresses herself, through which she makes the sound, her intimate and internal voice, come out. However, this personality is particular. The other person will not have an identical personality. Each person will therefore have a personality type and it is not wrong to say that some are more similar to others.

Personality or genius mismatch

That said, the question arises: “does it have to be a total compatibility of the two personalities for the relationship to work?” More specifically: in a loving relationship, is it essential that the two people are very similar, identical, equal, think and act in the same way?

Evidently not. After all, if two people had to have an identical personality, each and every love relationship would be like the Narcissus story and we would only fall in love with our image in the mirror. And, deep down, it is not difficult to see that passion arises not from equality, but from difference. We seek in the other person what we lack, what we don’t have and that is exactly the definition of desire.

However, as it is a human being, nothing is very simple, yes or no. The catch is that, although personalities are not identical, they have to have points of contact: common interests, similar ideas, dreams and goals aligned or the relationship will tend not to be long due to differences.

It’s like a game of differences and similarities. It’s not totally the same and it can’t be totally different. In the middle of this, as in the difference from Derrida. Anyway, in this game of permanence and change that is the movement over time of a personality, and of differences and similarities, what unites, makes it common is communication.

communication errors

Almost all of us share a fundamental error. It is the error that the other person thinks as we do. Or say, speak or not speak, desire or fear as we would do if we were in her place. Because, as much as a person has empathy and affinity, their way of seeing things, the world and themselves will not be the same as our way of seeing it.

So we start from different places. We start from different assumptions and presuppositions. Which is why it never hurts to say that the number 1 problem in any relationship is lack of communication or miscommunication.

To reflect: “You can know what you said, but never what the other heard…” (Lacan)

Conclusion

The word relationship comes from relation, from the Latin relatus, referre, which meant in the language of our ancestors: “to take with you, to present, to relate”. Contrary to what we might imagine prefix re has, in this case, no association with again or again. Re+ is here an intensifier for screw, “carry, carry”.

So relationship is what you carry with you, what you take with you. To put it more topically, it’s what you share on your life’s timeline, what you feed what you’re thinking about right now.

We may assume, as a principle, that no genius is fully compatible with another genius. The art of successfully creating and maintaining a harmonious and happy relationship is to create a common space through communication.

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