Frozen or delayed grief: when the pain of a loss worsens over time

Accepting a loss is never easy. So much so that there are those who cannot handle suffering and put it aside, refusing to accept the absence. Delayed grief can last for decades and is a reality where pain becomes silent and chronic.

Frozen grief refers to a loss that has not been overcome.. It is pain that becomes chronic, that drags on permanently and that manifests itself in very different ways: anxiety, stress, exhaustion, apathy, constant irritation… Thus, and as striking as it may seem to us, we are faced with a clinical reality that occurs quite often.

There are those who do not know very well what to do with that set of adverse sensations, with that suffering that paralyzes and places the person in a void that is very difficult to manage. Others cling to their daily lives, their work and obligations, trying to convince themselves that they can move forward. They tell themselves that nothing is wrong, that the pain can be hidden like someone who keeps a personal item in a safe.

In both cases, the same anatomy of suffering is generated: that of pathological grief, where there is no closure or acceptance of the loss. Thus, if there is one thing we must understand, it is that pain has no expiration date, it can last for decades and become integrated into everything we think and do. Frozen grief masks itself in multiple illnesses and completely obscures our opportunity to be happy again.

“Crying is making the grief less profound.”

-William Shakespeare-

Frozen or delayed duel, what is it?

Pain can freeze, remain in suspension, or even remain trapped like a seed in a drop of amber. We do it this way when we refuse to face a painful reality, when we tell ourselves that it is better to put it aside and resume our lives, avoiding thinking about that person we just lost.

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If there is one thing that grief specialists know well, it is that This psychological process is experienced in each of us in a very different way. Now, the general view that is usually had on the subject is that a loss is synonymous with sadness and that, on average, it takes between a year or a year and a half to move forward and end a grief.

These ideas are not entirely correct. To begin with, when you lose someone you experience more than just sadness. There is anger, there is confusion and even anguish. In additionthe experience of grief is directly related to the personality of each person.with the resources you have and also the social and personal support you have available.

In this way, as explained to us in a study carried out by Dr. Katherine Shear, from Columbia University, New York, it is very difficult to predict how each person will cope with the loss of a loved one. What’s more, it is estimated that about 5% of the population will, at some point, carry out frozen or delayed grief.. The characteristics of this process would be the following.

Symptoms of delayed or frozen grief

Frozen or delayed grief appears as a defense mechanism. The person refuses to accept the reality of what happened, they cannot face it, they feel unable to deal with such suffering. Hence, the brain chooses to deny or simply ‘freeze’ the suffering, leaving it for another moment.

Now, all that psychological overexertion and emotional containment has consequences:

It is common to suffer from anxiety and stress disorders.The person suffers from hypersensitivity. Any unforeseen or fortuitous event is experienced in an exaggerated way. It can lead to eating disorders or addictive behaviors.There is also a clear refusal to talk about or name the loss of that significant person.Psychosomatic symptoms appear such as digestive problems, allergies, headaches, muscle pain, skin problems, hair loss. A lack of vision or future planning arises. One stops having vital plans and objectives. Problems also arise at a relational level. There is a lack of joy, patience, the desire to share, to enjoy moments of leisure… What’s more, sometimes we even stop connecting with others in an authentic way, Empathy fails because unaccepted internal suffering overshadows almost anything.

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How is frozen or delayed grief treated?

The person who lives with frozen grief must know that at some point all that emotional burden will end up emerging.. Sometimes, a sudden trigger is enough for endless sensations to mix together that can overwhelm us. Thus, the death of a pet, seeing someone sick, or even suffering a small mishap triggers a whole avalanche of feelings that we don’t know how to manage.

In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the clinical condition of frozen grief does not appear as such. However, it does include diagnostic criteria for “persistent complex grief disorder.” Now, knowing that this type of pathological grief exists, In recent years, new therapies have been developed that are proving very effective.

An example of them is presented in a 2012 study by Dr. Julie Wetherell from the University of San Diego, California. This is an approach that combines cognitive-behavioral therapy, interpersonal therapy with prolonged exposure techniques. The basic purpose is to facilitate acceptance of the loss, work on emotions and an aspect that usually arises in many cases: the feeling of guilt.

In conclusion, Facing loss is something no one is prepared for. Grief is neither a universal nor normative process, it is dynamic, stark, complex and even pathological in many cases. Being able to ask for help (and let ourselves be helped) will allow us to navigate this reality in a more adjusted and healthy way.