From love to hate there is not just one step, and luckily!

Legend has it that the Trojan War began with the kidnapping of Helen., queen of Sparta, kidnapped by Paris, the Trojan prince enthralled with her. Other legends tell us that Helena was not captured by Paris, but rather fled voluntarily with him, unleashing the war between Achaeans and Trojans.

The detail of whether it was a joint flight for love or a kidnapping is not minor, although one story or another has been superimposed without much dilemma over the centuries. This trivialization accounts for the loving culture in which we have built ourselvesthe one that does not give so much importance to whether Helena had given her consent to Paris, the same one that tells us that from love to hate there is only one stepthe one that affirms that Who does love you, will make you cryand who argues that those who fight, desire each other.

Love and hate are two realities, two feelings, different. If we have come to think of them as the two sides of the same coin, it is, on the one hand,
consequence of a way of constructing thought that is specific to Europe and, on the other, by a chain of cultural transmission that has reached our days.

binary thinking

the philosopher Montserrat Galceran explains in his book barbaric europe as European thought is built by pairs of opposition, by binaries in which one defines the other by default. For example, white/black, where white is the opposite of black, and vice versa.

In this type of thinking, neither greys, nor reds, nor greens have space, although they are all shades of an infinite chromatic range that separates black and white from their mutual dependence. So, love and hate are two feelings among an immense range of possibilities: neither the absence of love implies hate, nor does the absence of hate guarantee love.

But the vast majority of the films that we can see in theaters and on television play with love and hate. And there’s a very damaging amount of songs that talk about loving and hating each other simultaneously. Thus, in love breaks, in heartbreak, it is easy to get carried away by this type of thinking and fall without realizing it into the trap of indulgence with respect to hatred.

From love to hate there is not a small step: there is a big decision involved. The decision to hate.

All these messages, moreover, naturalize hatred. And it is not the same that Helen of Troy was kidnapped or that she fled voluntarily. In a world that has taught us to kill and violate ourselves with the excuse of love, you have to be very attentive to those details of the narrative, to those missing links. We must notice the difference between wanting and loving ourselves; the one that exists between caring and caring for ourselves. And clearly distinguish what is love and what is violence.

Undo the love/hate binomial

Focus on the relationship

There are wonderful people with whom we have failed relationships. This sometimes happens because we are not looking for the same thing, or because our expectations do not match, or because our day to day is discordant. Living a relationship is about the way in which the bond is built, not so much of the fascination that we feel for the other person. The myth of Prince Charming is just that: a myth.

This world has taught us to kill and violate ourselves with the excuse of love.

The critical look

It is necessary to put a critical distance with respect to cultural products that result in the love/hate binomialwho present relationships as a slide of extreme emotions where the best and the worst are confused as part of the same thing.

Time and space

Moments of high emotionality can lead to an escalation in which principles and reasons are lost, and everything turns into a battle for
win the argument. Knowing how to stop is essential to take care of yourselfand also to calm down, to be able to return to the dialogue from the concrete facts, and find the fair solution for everyone.

The circle of violence

Loving violence is a loop of terrible consequences. It is essential to monitor these processes to find a way to make the cycle visible and put an end to it. If it is violence, it is not love.

Build a new imaginary

How many possible emotions are there between love and hate? Affection, displeasure, sympathy, indifference, cordiality, complicity, disaffection, discomfort, sadness, enthusiasm. The emotional range is infiniteand the gradation between love and anything else is an important indicator to care for and take care of ourselves, to understand when to give up and when to love. Loving each other is precisely letting go and taking distance.