Find someone who, between the ups and downs of life, prefers to stay.

Learn to give your absence to those who don’t value your presence.

Since when I was little and I started to hear some comments about love, despite the little absorption of information, it was always easy to see that this was something for grown ups.

I’m not referring to age or size, but the requirement that this feeling requires for it to happen: just like in romance movies, cartoons with enchanted kingdoms, or something very close to that that I can’t describe.

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Time passed, and I was always curious to know more about him. Inside me, there is a greater force that has always been by my side, supporting and encouraging me for whatever I needed.

To be honest, I’m afraid. From the little I’ve learned about this word, I can be sure that it causes many other meanings that are not in the dictionary.

Contrary to what it seems, I don’t want to become a master of love. I just want to understand, body and soul, how much this verb is able to influence the hearts of others.

Far from the ideologies intimated by society, love is free. There is no definition of color, gender, number or degree. It happens, like a pleasant unforeseen on a Monday after a beach holiday. There is no such thing as the right place, the ideal person or completely equal tastes.

You don’t have to look alike, worship the same things, or have some kind of affinity. Love can be different, believe me.

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It doesn’t matter if you like beer, and the person doesn’t like alcoholic beverages. Not so little, if you prefer winter, and she prefers summer. Big city or countryside. Coffee with milk or milkshake. It also doesn’t matter if you do medicine, and you do it right. If you live in São Paulo, and she lives in Salvador.

If you prefer red, and she’s green. If you love meat, and she’s a vegetarian. Love will always be an unknown, with the intention of showing us how much it is capable of changing and revising concepts. You are happy? Good, keep it up.

Now I understand that this madness called love, comes suddenly and when we least expect it, we become submissive. We have no choice, it happens as a gift. We love flaws and mistakes. Accept it, you will become a hostage of passion. Is there anything more satisfying than sleeping smiling and waking up still dreaming?

It’s like living in the world of the moon, feeling your nerves tremble, breaking out in a cold sweat, speeding up your heartbeat and looking deeper with a little more conviction. A prison without bars, which still, freedom is not the preference. You can fly, but you prefer to land. You can go on, but you can’t leave.

Like everything in life, it also has a bad side. But you know, negative issues are a consequence of reckless people. Love is trivialized by some, misquoted by others. It is misused, trying to remove toxins.

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Love is not the cause of your problems, on the contrary, it is the solution to all of them. When true, it colors a whole world of ash. It puts emotion into so much reason. It shows itself as an exit, an escape, as a pure light or source of energy. It is the result of chemistry, physics, history, geography or mathematics. Feel privileged, he only presents himself to a few.

I won’t deny it, love has given me many unforgettable moments and sensations. I’ve overcome personal limits, revised priorities, fixed bullshit, fallen and gotten up and become someone better. But also, it’s undeniable that I’ve cried a lot, and I bled even more. I gave in and fucked up.

I offered my best, and I was not reciprocated. I donated and got no recognition. I changed and didn’t get positive feedback. I fought and lost the battle. I gave up, and it was no use. I gave in to arguments, but the fights didn’t stop. I apologized when it wasn’t my fault. I took a deep breath, controlled myself in extreme situations and forgave betrayals I didn’t deserve. I am a mixture of traumas, longings and afflictions.

I’m that red heart that thinks twice or more before it beats a little harder. I’m those teary eyes that I didn’t text you. I’m that repressed “I love you” that only escapes after a few drinks. Now, I’m those three steps to the side when you want to speed up the walk ahead. I’m that fear, when you say don’t stop thinking about me.

I’m the off button, when that song reminds me of you. I am that calm, in all your anxiety. I’m the new brake while you ask me to marry you. I am the longing, instead of wanting to see you every day. I am slowness, in all its haste. And what do you need most, to be happy. I know I am…

Every now and then I think about my life and wish I hadn’t heard about love so early on, when I was still immature and naive. I really didn’t want to spend much of my time on a monograph with uncertain conclusions. I have incurable sequelae, I carry with me a pain that words cannot describe.

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I lost hope, belief in the human being and all that courage that love requires, these days, to happen. Yes, loving has become a thing for brave people.

And the only thing I can say is that I loved the right, the wrong people.

And now, I follow with an absurd yearning to find someone to turn into a healthy, temporary relationship like the ones we find around every corner. Understand, I don’t want to be one more, I’m no longer a mouth, a kiss, a hug or an emergency in the middle of the night.

I am not just the exact appearance of your idealization. I’m really willing to be everything you’re looking for too, but first, prove to me that you’re worth betting on for a lifetime. Without guarantees, I prefer to continue in the abyss I already am.

If it’s not to add, don’t decrease me.

I know, I’m different from everyone you’ve ever met…

So if you’re not willing to look like an idiot, don’t fall in love with me.

I like the damage.

Jessica Pellegrini

Photo: Freepik