Fear of intimacy: when you fear authentic connection

Have you ever loved someone who didn’t let themselves be loved? Starting a relationship with a person who shows a fear of intimacy is torment. It is not being able to connect authentically with the other. It is wanting to hold it in our arms to feel it close and for it to slip away. It is not being sure if he truly loves us, living with constant doubts and also with a great emotional emptiness.

It is estimated that About 17% of the population shows this type of fear of relational closeness. That is, fear or reluctance to establish a bond and an emotional, physical and intellectual connection with someone. They are profiles that, contrary to what we may think, do want and need that proximity with the other. But almost without knowing how, they end up sabotaging the entire relationship.

We can see some masochism in this behavior. Why push away those who love you? Why be dark and cold towards someone who truly loves and appreciates you? The truth is Behind these personalities there are very complicated realities. There may be trauma and even the weight of a dysfunctional family. We analyze it.

Behind the fear of intimacy there may be a past of abuse or neglect on the part of caregivers.

Fear of intimacy: characteristics and origins

There is an undoubtable fact. People who show a fear of intimacy suffer a form of relational self-sabotage. This term first appeared in a study by James Cook University. It defines those situations in which, even though a person wants to be in a relationship and love and be loved, he ends up shattering that bond.

As we noted previously, it is difficult to understand these dynamics. Despite this, there are many who can see themselves in this type of emotional situation. There are times when we fall in love with someone and that someone behaves as if, in reality, they were not interested in that relationship.. He doesn’t take care of him, his behavior is ambiguous, sometimes we feel him close and instantly, he is like an ice floe.

Fear of intimacy is also known as relational anxiety. and consists of the impossibility of building an authentic connection with other figures. Thus, and although this is especially harmful in the emotional sphere, it can also appear when building a friendship…

How does it manifest?

We all know what fear is. A paralyzing emotion caused by a stimulus that is processed as a threat. In the case of people with a fear of intimacy, the threat is precisely this dimension. There is a distressing fear of getting closer, of emotional connection, of being vulnerable, of revealing thoughts, emotions, needs to the other.

The person does not always share with his or her partner what he or she thinks or believes. This causes them to make decisions on their own, without ever talking to the loved one. They do not talk about their feelings and doing so is perceived as a threat. He hates being vulnerable because those who fear intimacy see it as a weakness. It’s like undressing, being exposed and running the risk of being hurt. You never reveal your needs, your fears, your worries…Fear of intimacy often causes sexual anxiety. Relationships are often not completely satisfactory. The person defined by this pattern rarely shares their experiences and experiences from the past. He avoids them, avoids them or even lies. The striking thing is that it may seem that, socially, he handles himself well. He talks, he’s witty, he seems to have friends… But those relationships are always volatile, and Behind this apparent resolution, there is always distrust.

What is the origin of fear of intimacy?

We pointed it out at the beginning: Behind the fear of intimacy there is almost always a negligent family. For example, work such as that carried out at Colorado State University explains that, behind the lack of availability and emotional trust in the partner, there is usually a type of dysfunctional attachment originating in childhood.

When parents are not emotionally available to their children, or are aggressive towards them, a very specific type of attachment develops that marks the person’s life. It is avoidant attachment, which is directly related to the fear of intimacy.Dysfunctional families, that is, all those that are not capable of providing what is necessary for their children to grow up healthy (physically, emotionally, intellectually) are another example of how a person develops this reality.The traumatic loss of a parent also brings with it anxiety to intimacy. Having very old or sick parents or having to take care of siblings also promotes the appearance of this type of emotional reality. They are children who grow up assuming that they can only trust themselves.

We all need to build bonds based on emotional, physical and intellectual intimacy with our partners to be happy.

How is this type of anxiety towards human connection treated?

There is something we must understand. If we have a partner who does not build real and satisfactory intimacy with us, let’s not think that the problem is in us.. Let us also not conclude that she is rejecting us because she does not love us. In reality, those who put emotional distance often do so as a protection mechanism.

They are people who fear betrayal or abandonment and in their minds it will always be better not to get intimate so as not to get hurt. They don’t know that with their behavior they achieve exactly the same thing they are fleeing from: loneliness and heartbreak. The most appropriate thing in these cases is to provide them with support to start psychological therapy.

There will be those who must face the wound of that dysfunctional family, of a past of abuse or losses that they have not been able to face. Each case is unique. However, the therapeutic goal will always be the same: to facilitate strategies to create satisfactory, happy and lasting relationships. Trusting, being intimate and loving without fear is the key to happiness.

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