Family resentment: the hatred of those who do not forgive

Family resentment is like woodworm that destroys the foundations of a home.. It is a justified or unfounded moral pain that persists in a group of people for years, being unable to forget or forgive an offense. This situation is very common in the dynamics between parents and children, between siblings or between other figures in that genealogy between ancestors and descendants.

If we look at our own family, it is very likely that this reality is known to us.. It’s like having a knot in a bond, a wound that continues to sting and that no one wants to heal. She hates that uncle, brother or sister-in-law who, at one point, betrayed our parents. He looks with resentment at that cousin, that grandfather or that mother who hurt us whether he wanted to or not.

The curious thing about resentment is that when it is lived in a family environment, it can be inherited from one generation to the next. There are emotions that (metaphorically) seem to be impregnated in the DNA chain, which are inoculated into the child’s mind. When their parents speak with contempt about a third figure, that resentment penetrates deeply into the child who listens, assumes and remains silent without knowing.

The hatred of those who do not forgive is like a shadow that follows us. Likewise, we cannot neglect the impact of those parental models that show resentful behavior. We analyze it.

What does family resentment consist of?

Family resentment defines an attitudinal pattern of hatred, resentment and moral pain maintained over time. towards a third person of that relational nucleus. The striking thing about this emotional reality is that it draws alliances. There is rarely a single resentful. On average, bonds are created between some members and others that reinforce that negative and uncomfortable experience.

Likewise, behind this feeling there remains the constant idea that “they have been betrayed.” Disputes over economic issues, and the perception that they have been left aside or ignored feed that emotion, that of resentment.

Considering that a brother, parent, or child has been unfair to oneself can be more painful than betrayal. exercised by a stranger. While it is true that we all have the right to develop feelings of anger or resentment towards someone, when this feeling originates in the family environment, the effects are more adverse.

Disappointments and hatred that can’t be let go

Our grandfather may never have forgiven his brother for leaving him alone when he needed him. It is possible that our mother hated her father because he mistreated her. It may also be the case that our parents feel resentment towards one of our siblings as a result of bad behavior. There are family experiences that lodge in the collective mind of its members in the form of a painful narrative.

They are disappointments that cannot be let go because the pain that sustains and feeds them is very intense. It is the suffering of an amputated link. The one about the brother who loses his brother. The daughter who loses her father. The father who loses a son. Thus, research work, such as those carried out at the University of the Pacific in Hawaii, points out how destructive resentment and hatred can be in interpersonal relationships.

The philosopher Max Scheler pointed out in his book Resentment in morality, that this feeling is the aftermath that remains after a moral or emotional offense or aggression. The complicated thing is that this state is fed by memory, by a constant “resentment.” When we talk about family relationships, memory is like a rubber band: it goes back and forth over and over again towards that offense from yesterday.

Family resentment in first person

We may be victims of family resentment. There are times when, for justified (or probably unjustified) reasons, we become that black sheep always singled out and reviled. We are the focus of all disappointment and even that name that one day stopped being pronounced at home. They are harsh realities that many may be experiencing firsthand.

On the other hand, the opposite situation can also occur. It is possible, in turn, that we ourselves cannot forgive certain aspects within the family.. This last experience is more common than we think and can be mediated by circumstances such as the following:

Not having felt loved, valued or respected by one or more of our family members. Feeling humiliated by one or more situations. Feeling betrayed, not counting on our parents and siblings when we needed it. Being the invisible child in a family in which there was a golden son

Resentment always takes its toll on us: how to act?

Family resentment is the mold that spreads and silently sickens. It is that feeling that survives with the memory and that encapsulates us, isolating us from each other. The most complex thing is that When you grow up in a family in which resentment towards someone is present, you learn to hate early.

It is not appropriate, it is not healthy or pedagogical. Unforgiving families are like a spiral of negativity. However, The way to address these psychosocial realities is always complex and delicate.. It is true that forgiveness would be the only mechanism capable of releasing that stuck suffering, of healing those amputated ties as a result of an offense or disappointment.

However, not everyone is capable of taking the step: to forgive and build bridges. Resentment usually has ego and pride as its backbone. It is not easy to remove the armor from someone who has spent half their life hating. However, It is always appropriate to repair sick family relationships.

Sometimes, an authentic approach doesn’t need to happen. But the ability to offer forgiveness to let go without hatred, to turn the page and allow ourselves to move forward in freedom, each one on their own, without the wormwood of resentment.

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