Don’t want me docile, love me with my nuances, with my lights and shadows

Love me like this, free, disordered at times, daring, chaotic at times, imperfect, always luminous.. Do not wish me docile, submissive or silent, let’s not idealize a pamphlet love or erase those nuances that make you and me unique. In case you want it that way, better let me go, return me to my world, to my currents, to my nourishing solitude, to my roots…

Benjamin Franklin said very correctly that In our world there are three things that are especially hard, one was steel, another was diamond, and the third was getting to know oneself.. It is clear that such a task is not easy, that immersing ourselves in the reefs of our insecurities, our fears, concerns, virtues and darknesses requires patient as well as brave craftsmanship.

However, Few things are as valuable as delimiting those personal boundaries, to conquer private spaces and self-knowledge to maintain authentic fidelity to ourselves. Only in this way will we be able to establish more satisfactory emotional relationships, only in this way will we shape a more complete existence in accordance with our values, where behaviors and thoughts are always in rigorous balance.

Now, there is one fact that we should keep in mind. Recently, Dr. Yi Nan Wang, a well-known personality psychology researcher, explained in one of his works that A good part of couples manage to “dilute” part of their self to achieve better harmony with the loved one.. A desire for communion that involves showing a more docile attitude and prioritizing the needs of others while we take our own to the drawer of oblivion.

Thus, what Dr. Wang suggests to us is that Let us be able to develop what he himself has coined as “balanced authenticity.” It is a concept based on Erikson’s psychosocial theory, where we are reminded that every mutually satisfactory relationship first goes through a phase where one has been able to define their identity.

The need to practice healthy authenticity

Maybe in the past you were docile, manageable, complacent… Most of us were for a few years because that’s how we were educated, because others wanted it. In this way, of course, we were easier to deal with, to control; We were good at adjusting to the gears of a society where sometimes having your own voice is little more than audacity.

All of this makes us have a certain fear or reluctance to show our authentic “self.” Likewise, and despite being clear that these thoughts, voices and feelings are essential for our integrity, we tell ourselves that no, that it is better that they are not seen, that they are not heard, that they are not noticed too much. We fear being rejected by them, we fear upsetting others, hurting their feelings, breaking the schemes that had been made about us…

However, in what state is our own personal scheme or our identity? It is boycotted. We become our own emotional sniper by not being able to practice healthy authenticity.. We become victims of our own naivety for thinking that being authentic can cause some harm to those in our environment, when this is not the case.

It was Aristotle who once said that the healthiest authenticity involves what he called a “golden balance”, where being frank does not have to harm or cause rejection, since what we actually practice is honesty.

Don’t want me docile, love me with my nuances, with my lights and darkness

Dr. Yi Nan Wang of Beijing Normal University recently created the interesting “AIRS” scale. (Authenticity in relationships scale), which aims to measure the level of authenticity of the two members in a relationship. Something that has been concluded is that One of the keys to social well-being in the population is precisely that individuals are capable of practicing the personal honesty mentioned above. and that authentic sense of identity where we do not boycott ourselves nor let others do so.

So, The 9 items that make up the “AIRS” scale and that we should answer with a “yes” or “no” are the following:

I always hide my true thoughts for fear of the disapproval of others. I like to care for others. I do not dare to tell others the truth so as not to hurt their feelings. I am fully aware that I must compromise with myself. I always find ways to reconcile my needs and those of others. I would never give up my true self or allow whoever is with me to do it for me. I usually tell the truth without worrying about how others may react. I prioritize myself, the feelings of others They are not importantI almost always offend people by speaking frankly.

How to assess the authenticity scale

Surely we will have already had a slight idea about how the scale is scored. However, it should be said that it measures three dimensions:

Items 1-3 represent distorted authenticity, there where people tend to renounce our own feelings and identity for those of others.Items 4-6 represent balanced authenticity or the ability to express ourselves freely and with respect, taking into account both our needs and those of others.Items 7-9 represent the egocentric authenticity or that more extreme tendency where we can fall into selfishness or aggression by prioritizing ourselves to the point of hurting or offending others.

To conclude, as we have seen, not only in relationships should we be able to practice that balanced authenticity where honesty is combined with respect, freedom with affiliation, and self-esteem with the couple’s own growth. It is actually a dimension to practice in all areas of our lives.where it is not worth being docile or submissive, but rather bright, with character, unique and of course, wonderful.

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Images courtesy of Kelly Smith