Do we need to do a friendship detox? – GOOD SHAPE

Over the years, it is common for our circle of friends to change. However, should everyone go through a friendship detox phase? Reviewing our relationships and cutting ties with people who are not good for us may seem extreme, but it is essential to our health and well-being.

“We are social beings. This means that interpersonal relationships are fundamental for us”, explains Renata Ishida, pedagogical content manager at LIV and clinical psychologist. “When I say founders, it’s because it really is from them that we become people, that we become who we are. It is in living with others that we learn about the world and about ourselves.”

More than that, explains the professional, interpersonal relationships are important for our mental health. A review of 70 studies with 3.4 million volunteers, published in 2015 in the Journal of the Association for Psychological Science, showed that lonely people had between 26% and 33% more risk of dying in the next seven years. And it makes sense: evolutionarily, we survive thanks to our ability to interact in groups.

Another study, carried out at Harvard and which lasted 75 years of observation and monitoring of thousands of volunteers, concluded that it was friendships and not money or fame that brought people happiness. Having someone to share life’s anxieties with, toast achievements and ask for help when in doubt or suffocation can certainly make the path lighter and more powerful.

“The delicacy of this is that relationships are important and fundamental, not ‘ONE’ relationship is fundamental. That is, cultivating relationships makes us learn more, be more creative, tolerant, empathetic and communicative, but this is not synonymous with being tied to an exclusive relationship or being unable to have moments alone”, she adds.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I HAVE TOXIC FRIENDS?

The most important thing, according to Renata, is to understand if the predominant feelings in this relationship are those that increase your insecurity and low self-esteem, like anxietytension and fear of disappointing.

For this, the best path is self-knowledge: asking yourself questions like “what makes me feel good?”, “what are my limits?”, “what makes me insecure?” and “What are my fears?” help a lot in this process.

Another interesting exercise is to look at the situation from a distance and criticize it. There are some points that can help with this identification:

too much criticism: non-constructive and derogatory criticism most of the time.
excessive jealousy: Display of jealousy almost always when you are with other friends, family or loving partner. Or you end up voluntarily not going out with other people so your friend doesn’t get upset or upset.
Competitiveness: inability to celebrate some achievement of yours and often put yourself in comparison/competition.
Control: it is always that friend who makes the choices, putting their wishes in the background. Or you yourself hide your wills because you think that choosing this friend or friend is always better.
Excess charges: Charges for attention, availability or even financial help or other material issue.
Reviews from other friends: when other people you trust begin to criticize this friendship incisively, is it not worth listening?
intensity of suffering: try to understand how intense the pain, discomfort or anguish that the relationship with that person causes you is.
Prejudice: losing money, breaking up with romantic relationships, missing important events. How much damage has this relationship already caused?

HOW TO ACT IN THE FRONT OF A TOXIC FRIENDSHIP?

The basis of any relationship, according to Renata, is communication. Starting a conversation can be difficult due to the fear of conflict, however, it is also important to remember that conflicts are part of life, because we are different from each other.

“The absence of conflicts is not synonymous with a healthy relationship, it is most likely synonymous with someone suffering in silence”, he says. “Conflicts, conversations and discussions are important to adjust points, talk about expectations and make agreements.”

Therefore, trying to talk is, yes, important to take a next step in this relationship. Starting by talking about what’s important to you in this relationship and how you feel about it is a good first step—and a way to avoid an immediate conflict. “When we talk more about ourselves than about the other person, the chance of the person getting defensive decreases”, she says.

If there is room in this conversation, mark your boundaries. It’s worth thinking about them before the chat so you can communicate them clearly and monitor every time it is exceeded. “If this movement has already been carried out and no opening or listening to the other party is possible, is it not time to move away?”, reflects the psychologist.

Maybe you’re wondering: but doesn’t this person deserve a second chance? If the conversation takes place and the person realizes a pattern of behavior that was previously unconscious to him – the chance to change always exists. It is common for people in situations of power and manipulation in toxic and abusive relationships not to be aware of what they are doing.

However, it is difficult to know if this change will, in fact, happen or if the person will accept the suggestion of change.

“We are nobody’s judges and our perception will never be impartial, but if you really think that this relationship is doing you harm, why keep it?” he asks. “If the reason is to help that person, remember that moving away, sometimes even temporarily, can be healthy for both parties. It is a moment to look at what is happening with distance and criticism, and take care of personal issues without so much confusion with the moment they are going through.”

If the person recognizes what happened in the relationship and is really willing to change, most likely, he will understand this temporary separation, even with suffering.

HOW TO DEAL WITH THE END OF A FRIENDSHIP?

The fact is: the breakup of a relationship, even a friendship, will bring suffering. But we must remember that we can go through these breaks without getting disorganized, or we lose ourselves.

In a toxic relationship, what can occupy our mind are ideas that we will never have such a wonderful person, who likes us so much, who wants our good as much as that one. That’s why we let ourselves be raped. It is as if those excessive criticisms or even some kind of physical violence were justifiable, “for our good”. As if the other person knows more about life and people than we do.

“At that moment, we need to remember that there is no perfect person and that we don’t need the other person’s validation so much so that we can be in the world and be who we are”, he says. “If it’s too difficult, it’s always good to remember that we can turn to a professional. Feeling more secure in being who we are, in imposing our wills and making our decisions is part of a healthy life. A psychologist can help build a less toxic relationship with others and especially with yourself.”