Disorganized attachment in relationships

Need for affection, stress, fear, distrust… Disorganized attachment in relationships acts like a virus that undermines stability and happiness. People defined by this form of attachment long to be loved, but feel the urge to protect themselves in case they are harmed or betrayed. Behind this behavior there is, almost always, a traumatic past.

If you or your partner are defined by this characteristic, what you will experience, above all, is great difficulty regulating emotions. Likewise, to create ties based on trust and intimacy. This avoidant and contradictory behavior can be quite harmful and it is advisable to act on it.. In this article we will investigate more about this topic.

What is disorganized attachment like in relationships?

Loving someone with a disorganized attachment is like living in a scenario of constant anguish. It is a figure that integrates patterns of anxious-ambivalent attachment and also of avoidant attachment. What you will see in that person is, above all, a desperate longing for intimacy and, at the same time, fear of remaining in said relationship.. Their reactions are usually chaotic and extreme.

On the other hand, if you are wondering about the origin of this characteristic, the key is in childhood. Abuse or the lack of safe and respectful affection causes the brain to develop a heavy load of fear and stress. What’s more, a work published by Personality Disorders associates this attachment with serious problems in interpersonal functioning. We offer you more information below.

1. The relationship is dominated by contradictory behaviors

Disorganized attachment in relationships exhausts and drains energy. If you live with a person defined with this connection, they will demand attention, validation and signs of persistent affection.. Now, do not expect reciprocity, because this profile lacks emotional competencies and only focuses on its own needs.

In addition, you will discover that no matter how hard you try to show your feelings, he or she will question them.. He rarely has enough, he is suspicious and always notices signs that make him suspicious of you. He fears abandonment, betrayal, that you stop wanting him/her… These are exhausting dynamics and, without a doubt, quite contradictory.

2. Lack of emotional skills: they do not know how to love

The person with a disorganized attachment style longs to be loved, but does not know how to love.. It is true that something like this has a severe impact on your relationship, but it is important to understand the origin. An article in the journal Attachment & Human Development addresses how psychologist John Bowlby—who developed attachment theory—conceptualized this characteristic.

Disorganization is the result of emotional experiences in childhood that are based on conflict and the lack of a safe haven. What does this translate into? It is difficult for someone to display good emotional skills in a relationship when they have never had the opportunity to know what it is to be loved and appreciated. This lack and emptiness condition every sexual-affective bond.

Disorganized attachment can be treated in psychological therapy. However, the most important thing is to have a patient, understanding and affectionate partner, who knows how to guide you to build, little by little, a secure and healthy attachment.

3. Anxiety and fear responses

Disorganized attachment in the couple is dominated by emotions of negative valence. In this relationship, as the psychiatrist Jacques Lacan would say, three figures live: you and your fears. This occurs because The person with this characteristic shows low self-esteem and is conditioned by anxiety. All of this is manifested in aspects such as the following:

You feel misunderstood and unworthy of being loved. This perception makes you believe that at the slightest there will be abandonment. You always look for possible signs of betrayal or lack of love (even if they are not real). The fear of abandonment or deception can become obsessive. You have to justify everything you do so that they do not doubt you. Experience a lot of anxiety if you are late in arriving or do not respond to messages. Negative and unregulated emotions cause conflicting behaviors to appear.

4. Avoidant behavior

Psychiatrists Amir Levine and Rachel Heller wrote the book: Ways to love: the new science of adult attachment (2016). This work is the result of more than 25 years of research on types of linkage. Something that stands out is that disorganized attachment in couple relationships is one of the most complex, since it integrates avoidant and anxious styles at the same time.

If you are in a bond of this type, you will perceive that the other person never fully commits. It is difficult to build genuine complicity or intimacy with him or her because he or she fears getting hurt. Something like this causes them to always lead to avoidant behaviors such as the following:

Any type of confrontation is avoided. There is no deep emotional communication. There is resistance to creating a stable emotional bond. They can break up with you a few days and come back later. They often tend to social isolation and loneliness. There is no ability to express their needs or desires.Physical distancing, like disappearing for a few days.

5. Impulsive and self-destructive behaviors appear

Someone with a disorganized attachment pattern is a figure with more than one unhealed trauma.. What’s more, a work published by Frontiers in Psychology associates this characteristic with borderline personality disorder (BPD). This explains why in this type of relationship you witness conflictive and problematic situations.

They are men and women with low self-esteem and a great need to be loved. Often, They lead to harmful bonds in their attempt to receive affection, wherever it is from.. It is also common that when they manage to find authentic love, they ruin that bond due to their impulsivity and break it by questioning the feelings of the loved one.

How can I support my partner if he shows disorganized attachment?

Disorganized attachment in a couple can be treated. For it, Two approaches are essential: psychological therapy and your support in this process of change.. In the latter case, it is important that you keep in mind that the behavior of the person you love is explained by unhealed wounds. Affection and understanding are essential. Below, we describe the approach strategies.

Attachment-based therapy (AT)

This therapeutic model uses various methodologies in order for the person to build safer and healthier interpersonal relationships.. It is based on John Bowlby’s own theories and explores, above all, childhood trauma and possible comorbid disorders such as depression. The techniques he applies are the following:

Interview about the history of attachment: The first step is to explore the individual’s relationships and early experiences with parents. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy describes a practical instrument that evaluates, in depth, patients’ attachment. This is the Patient Attachment Coding System (PACS).Emotional validation: A safe and understanding space is created for the person to get in touch with their emotions without fear of being judged or rejected. All of your experiences and needs are validated and integrated.Trauma treatment: In these cases the psychologist can use EMDR therapy, effective in treating traumatic experiences and those invisible wounds that they carry with them.Modification of dysfunctional patterns: The goal in this case is to help the patient identify their own dysfunctional patterns in the relationship and develop healthier ways of bonding.Emotional regulation techniques: They are useful for learning to regulate fears and anxiety. Furthermore, they are used with the intention of facing any difficult or stressful situation in the most appropriate and healthy way.

Strategies for you to help your partner

When you love someone who shows disorganized attachment, you will go through difficult days. However, such a pattern can change and not only thanks to therapy. With your help, understanding and affection you can guide him to build, little by little, a secure attachment., which will be based on trust and emotional intimacy. The following dimensions will help you:

Show your affection and empathy. Create a safe emotional environment. Support him so that he does not stop psychological therapy. Be assertive, but avoid judgments and criticism. Help him communicate and express his feelings. Encourage him to demonstrate his needs and vulnerability. Set limits on behaviors that you will not allow. Find out about this type of attachment and understand the dynamics and its causes.

Disorganized attachment: between love and fear

Accompanying your partner in this healing process is an act of authentic love. The effort is worth it, because you will rebuild your self-esteem and gain skills to shape healthier, happier relationships. However, remember that you cannot “fix” the other person, you will be a valuable support, but such effort falls on him or her.

Living with disorganized attachment hurts and contradicts because there is a need to love and be loved, but there is also fear of being hurt as happened in childhood. They are delicate psychological realities that must be understood. Don’t hesitate to ask for specialized help if supporting your partner is difficult for you.. You also deserve to be well.

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