Discover the characteristics of controlling people

Control is related to order, stability, organization; however, it is not always beneficial. This is particularly true in the case of controlling people, who seek to dominate the lives of those who live around them.

They are people who need to know all the time what their partner is doing. They can even manipulate family and friends to get what they want. What else do we know about this personality type besides its prototypical behaviors? We analyze the characteristics of controlling people and what to do about it.

Control and need for control

According to the Royal Spanish Academy, control is defined as ‘checking, inspection, inspection, intervention’. Also as ‘dominance, command, preponderance’. In everyday language we associate control with order and planning.

There are people who need to have everything under control. Because? Because they feel safer that way. However, this need can become pathological when it interferes with welfare. But what are controlling people like? Are they those who want to have everything under control? Or is there something else?

Traits of controlling people

With controlling people we are referring to those who, rather than having control over their own lives, try to have control over that of others. They are people who They seek to control the other through different mechanisms. Let’s look at some of its most relevant features.

1. They need control

The main characteristic of controlling people is that they need to control different areas of your life: academic, work, family, social, passion. This need usually responds to a type of personality, or also to a rather dysfunctional adaptation style.

These types of individuals try to keep the ties close, seeking the unconditional support of others. Thus, when they work as a team, for example, They do not seek so much to cooperate or join hands, but rather to feel supported by others..

2. They tend to be nosy

Another characteristic of controlling people is interference. They are people who act to gain influence in the affairs of others.which makes them very invasive.

Many times, this is due to not taking into account the needs or concerns of the other. What difference does it make if the other person doesn’t want to talk about a certain topic? The controlling person will continue to insist.

3. They are paternalistic

Controlling people can be very paternalistic. Sometimes they resort to this mechanism to hide their attempt at power or control on the other. The consequence this has for your relationships is that it limits the autonomy of others.

Paternalism can translate into conciliatory behaviors, for example, offering to make a decision for the person; or in a less subtle way, showing dominance and criticizing other people’s decisions.

4. They try to isolate the controlled person

Within the characteristics of controlling people highlights their ability to socially isolate others. This is another form of control. «SIf I isolate you, you are less likely to turn to another for help or companionship.». By separating it from their social networks they can exercise greater control.

In relationships, these types of actions are more evident. The individual ends «doing» that your partner disengages from his family and friends. To achieve this you can use various tactics: discredit, create conflicts, blame, manipulate, etc..

5. They have low tolerance for stress

Among the different characteristics of controlling people, the stress they feel when they cannot or do not know how to control external events stands out. Unconsciously, they believe that only by controlling their environment and all aspects of their life will they be able to ensure that their own needs are met.

6. They have feelings of inferiority or superiority

Many times, after all these controlling and, on some occasions, manipulative behaviors, a strong feeling of personal insecurity is actually hidden or low self-esteem.

Frequently, they try to alleviate this low self-esteem through control, because they are afraid that things (or people) that they do not control will overcome them or cause them suffering.

It is worth clarifying that not everyone has low self-esteem. What’s more, some may feel that they are superior and believe that their abilities are the best, which leads them to impose their dominance and control.

7. They are rigid and inflexible

Another characteristic of controlling people is that for them there is only one way to carry out plans, activities or tasks: the one they consider correct. Besides that, They think that no one can do things the way they do them..

These behaviors can be very damaging to your relationships. On the one hand, it creates imbalance in the relationship, since one person takes on more responsibilities and the other is undervalued. On the other hand, it overwhelms the controller and prevents the growth and development of both himself and the other.

8. They don’t respect limits

In general, Controlling people find it difficult to respect other people’s limits. That is why they intervene in matters that do not concern them, insist on making decisions for the rest and do not respect personal time and space.

9. They are demanding

One of the characteristics of controlling people is that They tend to have very high expectations and be demanding with themselves and others to meet their standards. This can be very counterproductive in their relationships because the other individual feels that they are not enough, even they themselves may feel that way.

10. They have little willingness to delegate

Because they think that only they can do things right, It is very difficult for them to delegate, because by doing so they lose control over the task. This behavioral pattern is too exhausting because it involves being active and involved in various activities all the time.

Consequence of controlling behavior

Having a controlling personality has different negative effects, both for the person and their relationships. Below we will mention the most common ones, according to the book How to stop being obsessive-compulsive, controlling or perfectionist (2022).

Exhaustion: controlling the lives of others and your own requires a lot of energy and effort. In the short and long term, this ends up generating a lot of fatigue.Anger and disappointment: Since you cannot have absolute control, it is normal for the controlling person to get angry frequently, since their expectations are frustrated all the time, especially if they are unrealistic.Distractions: The controllers’ attention is dispersed more frequently, since they are constantly making sure that their control is working, this makes them lose focus on other important aspects of the moment.Frustration: There are situations that are difficult to control and people who resist being dominated. Therefore, the driver frequently finds himself frustrated.Blame: People who exercise control over others tend to blame them when things don’t go as they expected. They can also do it as a way to manipulate: “These are manipulation tactics that slowly train others to tiptoe around you,” says Alexis Fisher, author of the aforementioned book.Anxiety: Subjects who feel the need to control everything generally feel a lot of anxiety because it is not possible to control all aspects of life. In turn, this emotional-behavioral reaction leads them to exercise greater control in order to reduce its intensity. Anxiety and control feed off each other.

Excessive control can harm a person’s life and interpersonal relationships. Therefore, it is important to keep in mind that there are many resources available to receive help, among which psychotherapy stands out.

How to overcome the need for control

In his book, Alexis Fisher also provides a series of recommendations to overcome this need. Let’s look at some of them.

Learn to relax: Relaxation is an effective strategy to reduce anxiety and stress that are often associated with controlling behaviors. Exercises such as meditation, yoga, diaphragmatic breathing, and mindfulness They can be very useful.Delegate or reduce tasks: In previous sections, we have argued that controllers tend to take responsibility for too many things at once, which ends up overwhelming them. Therefore, a necessary step to overcome this need for control is to delegate functions or tasks.Set and respect limits: Setting limits and respecting them is essential to overcome control. Because controlling people tend to be intrusive, it is crucial that they learn to draw limits on their own behavior and respect what others have.Drop the right thing: Another important task in letting go of control is to let go of the idea that the right way to do things is your own. The controlling person must accept that there are many ways to carry out a task, even if these do not adapt to the expectations he has.Change negative thinking for a realistic one: Sometimes the need for control is mediated by irrational beliefs and fear. To overcome it, it is essential to identify, challenge and replace certain thoughts with more reasonable and realistic ones. To achieve this, therapeutic support is a good ally.Practice introspective techniques: By using them, you are encouraged to explore the feelings that underlie this need for control. In this way, we will work towards establishing a certain balance between what can and cannot be controlled.Work the requirement: In most cases, behind a controlling person, high levels of self-demand are hidden that extend to third parties. Therefore, it is pertinent to know the degree of demands that they usually make and their impact.

Cope and Overcoming the controlling way of being is a process that requires self-awareness, patience and practice.. Previous recommendations can be very helpful; However, they may not work in all cases, since each person has their own personality. Therefore, we suggest seeking the support of a mental health professional.

What about the controlled ones?

We have talked about some characteristics of controlling people, and their great impact when it comes to influencing others. However, we must not forget that the relationships are bidirectional, that is, they behind someone controlling there is someone who is allowing themselves to be manipulated or controlled.

If you are in this situation, ask yourself: why am I putting up with it? Let’s become aware of what the people in our lives give us.and let’s separate ourselves from people who hurt us.

Is there someone trying to control you? Reflect on whether this is what you really want in your life.; If not, she tries to change it. Choose well who you want in your life.

I could…