Disappointment in the couple

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All couples have to overcome disappointments and assume responsibilities in the different processes of change. Now, how to manage them so that they do not end in a breakup, lead to a deterioration in the relationship or an irrecoverable loss of trust?

What to do when we are faced with disappointment in our relationship? Perhaps thousands of doubts arise. However, it will depend on the depth to which what happened has penetrated each of us.

For some people, experiencing disappointment in their partner makes it difficult for them to reconcile with them again, recycling that point in history in the particular trash can. Knowing that the person they love has “failed” them questions everything they knew about each other until that moment. For them to be well again, they would have to earn their trust again.

But how do we ensure that, after suffering disappointment in a relationship, trust does not suffer to the point of no return? Is it possible that the relationship can recover or even improve? Who will it depend on and to what degree? Next, we will talk about 4 different ways of change.

“It is prudent not to trust completely those who have deceived us once.”

-Rene Descartes-

Situation of discomfort: when disappointment appears in the couple

When a person finds themselves in an uncomfortable situation within their relationship and decides that they need to change, this change can occur four different shapes:

The change of oneself. Change of both. The change of the other. Separation as definitive disengagement, the suppression of the relationship.

The change in oneself

When a situation of discomfort appears in the couple’s bond, a person can decide to take care of their own needs without counting on the other person. She thinks that she herself can take the reins to change her mood. Thus, in taking measures, the person can begin to dedicate more time to friends or do more activities outside the home.

Safely, From the principle of circularity, this change will also produce a change in the couple. That is, in this case the changes will occur reactively to the change that appears in the other.

The change in both

One of the members of the couple communicates to the other their discomfort in the relationship and makes a proposal for change.. The shared feeling is that, as a couple, they are not going anywhere; If you continue with the same routines, the relationship will end up broken.

Both assume responsibilities, making efforts to change. The couple crisis is faced by both of them in the same way, with the help of a professional or without therapy, both of them rowing in the same direction.

The change in the other

In couples therapy, we often find that behind the request for therapy there is a desire for the other to change.

For example, it is common for one of the two to convince the other to go to therapy together. However, there is a clear subordination or condition of the cause of the discomfort, “If the other changes, the relationship will get better”.

In most couples therapies that arise from this demand and the therapeutic process is going well, there are two types of situations:

Read Also: What is a false dilemma and why is it important to identify it?

Whoever wants change, while wanting changes in others, is consciously assuming personal changes. that during the therapeutic process will generate changes in the other person.

In the systemic approach to couples, Minuchin’s (1997) expression is fundamental when he said that In the realm of the couple, one is the relational context of the other. In this way, if one of them changes as the context of the other, the latter undoubtedly changes. In other words, the change would begin with oneself. On the contrary, normally, when one in a couple insists that the other change without assuming personal changes, nothing happens other than an increase in disappointment in the couple.

At other times, therapy goes well because they They realize that the type of interaction they have developed between the two of them is something very difficult to modify.. Sometimes, there are things that are not easy to change, accepting that “this is what it is” and giving up change is already quite a change.

Separation as definitive disengagement

Virtually most professionals agree that, When there is a separation process, there are two types of couples: those who reach agreements very easily and those who prefer to keep the conflict alive.

Thus, it will depend on each couple to choose one form or another of breakup and the type of disappointment that has triggered the relationship to end completely.