Decision making in the couple

All couples go through moments in which decisions must be made, which, although they may be more or less important, create a situation in which they must be negotiated. Although we get along very well with our partner, It is normal that we do not agree on everything and that there are differences when making a decision. Furthermore, decision-making in a couple is more than taking a position for or against “something”, as it is proof of the solidity and harmony of that union.

In this article We will try to identify the variables that influence decision-making in the couple and the problems that may arise when it’s time to take a path, take a risk, make a big change or pass up an opportunity. In this sense, we will focus on the most important and frequent decisions in which a conflict may exist:

If there is a relationship crisis or after having been together for some time (and the feelings are not the same), doubts may arise regarding staying together or separating. Take the step and start living together. Spend time with each person’s family of origin. one (for example: weekend at the in-laws’ house, Christmas, kings, etc.). Getting married. Having children. The type of education that is given to the children. That one changes jobs and, or, has a long-distance relationship or the couple changes their place of residence. An infidelity or considering other rules in the relationship (example: open relationship or polyamory). The time for oneself that each member of the couple has.

What influences decision making in a couple?

Within a relationship, decision making will be influenced by the following factors:

Confidence in yourself

The image you have of yourself and the ability to feel that your opinion is valid plays an important role in the entire decision-making process as a couple. If you are a self-confident person, you will have enough support to stand up for what you believe in and influence the final decision.

That is to say, a person with self-confidence has an active role in the decisions made by their partnerwhile someone with insecurities will be in the shadow of what the other party says and decides.

Likewise, self-confidence helps you not keep quiet for fear of rejection. Positioning ourselves above fear when we have to discuss a delicate issue as a couple is the key to having a say in the decisions that are made.

Insecure people sacrifice their ability to influence in favor of looking good, They tend to say what others want to hear or what avoids conflict.

The place that the other occupies within the shared vital project

On the other hand, when you have to make a decision as a couple, a key aspect is the place that the other person has in your ideal future or life project. So, The decision-making process as a couple is based more on the future than on the present, What does this mean?

Which plays a very important role the potential we see in our partner to accompany us on a new path, for example: having children, getting married, moving in together. Decision making in a couple is based more on the anticipations we make in our minds than on the reality we live with that person.

In this sense, in his theory of love, Sternberg proposed how three components are necessary for there to be a complete and mature love, and one of those components is commitment. But, it does not refer to commitment at a legal, fidelity or relationship level, but rather to commitment to the future of the relationship.

So, For decision making to be a successful process, there must be a commitment: that of working as a team to achieve common goals.

Your communication skills and the other’s ability to understand you

Good communication skills are essential to share fears, doubts, hopes and desires. Think that verbalizing Everything that crosses your mind and that contributes something to the pre-decision reflective process will have constructive potential.: will add.

You don’t have to say everything you think, but you do have to think and feel everything you say. Otherwise, you will give way to ambivalent and unclear communication in which there will be lots of room for interpretationan element that is undoubtedly dangerous for life as a couple.

Furthermore, the recipient of your messages has to be able to understand what you are trying to convey with the meaning you want to give it. It means that the other person has to understand what you say, know why what you say is important to you. In this sense, non-verbal communication also plays an important role.

It is impossible not to communicate, and in the context of decision-making as a couple it is necessary that what we say is consistent with the rest of the elements we express. In this sense, Any inconsistency can generate a misunderstanding that causes noise (discomfort).like showing ourselves happy to plan a wedding and deep down still thinking that marriage leads couples to failure.

Recommendations for making decisions as a couple

That said, it is important that the following aspects be taken into account in any decision-making process as a couple:

Take the time to decide. Although there are no specific measures for each situation, it is important that both of you avoid making hasty decisions. Especially when it comes to vital issues.Keep in mind that you are both different people and may have different perspectives.. The couple should not agree on everything and that is not bad. The important thing is that they know how to recognize this reality and reach agreements that benefit both in fair measure.Avoid assuming what your partner believes or thinks. Never take each other’s opinions for granted and make decisions without discussing them. Just because we know someone a lot doesn’t mean we’ll know exactly what they’re going to want at any given moment. It is always better to consult and decide together.Respect before everything. Let’s avoid falling into criticism and judgment towards the other. The fact that they think differently does not give the right to devalue the couple’s perspective.Evaluate the entire scenario before making a decision. This involves considering all possible scenarios, informing yourself about the topic, consulting experts, etc.Don’t get carried away by false expectations. Some decisions will be easier to make than others, therefore, if this process was easier at first, it does not mean that it will always be that way. There are times where decisions will be more difficult to make and this does not mean that something is wrong.The level of commitment in both must be equal. If one takes this process more seriously than the other, future conflicts are possible. If something is important to your partner, the ideal is that you give it the relevance it deserves.

Finally, I want to emphasize that the decision in the couple has to be a process shared by those who form it. In fact, the extent to which this is the case is a predictor of a longer and more satisfying life as a couple, according to research conducted by Kamp Dush and Taylor (2011) at Ohio University.

On the other hand, You also have to make an effort to limit the external influences that may enter into a couple’s decision-making, We have to prioritize what we and our partner feel, leaving the motivation of pleasing others in second place.

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