Daughters of narcissistic mothers: the link between selfishness and coldness

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have grown up under a threatening feminine shadow. It is a parenting style based on control and lack of empathy, where a woman tries to mold a version of herself in the girl, but at the same time projecting her own ego and insecurities onto her. They are educational styles inhabited by self-denial, dependence and suffering.

Will I ever be good enough for my mother? This is one of the questions most often asked by daughters of this personality profile based on narcissism.

However, something that many of these women raised in such environments end up assuming is that their mothers completely lacked maternal instinct. Experts in suppressing identities and boycotting any attempt at independence, The narcissistic mother is undoubtedly one of the most complex and harmful profiles that we can find.

In the 80s a film was released that would serve as a great example of this reality. mommie dearest was a production based on a best-selling book written by Christina Crawford, the daughter of the famous actress Joan Crawford.

In those pages, which initially sought to transcribe the biography of one of the women with the greatest power and impact in cinema, the story of abuse, of almost constant psychological abuse, was explicit. That of a narcissistic mother who, defying traditional parenting standards, wanted to design another version of herself in her daughter. The effects were fatal…

Daughters of narcissistic mothers, when you are never good enough

Something that should be clarified from the beginning is that Not all women with narcissistic behavior patterns show narcissistic personality disorder. as defined in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). They can present certain traits and still remain functional on a social and personal level. However, another aspect is added to this: total incompetence in matters of education and upbringing.

So, What that maternal narcissism achieves is completely short-circuit the mother-daughter bondcompletely hindering that girl’s ability to become an independent and confident woman.

On the other hand, if we ask ourselves what the relationship with the sons is like, it is worth saying that it is not adequate either. Generallyin these families all dynamics center around the narcissistic mother and wear, the impact of his personality permeates almost every aspect.

Now, daughters of narcissistic mothers suffer much more from this influence for various reasons. First, because They use girls to project themselves. They are like an appendage of your own ego, but at the same time They see them as a threat.

Because it is possible that they surpass them in any dimension: beauty, intelligence, resolution, autonomy… Let’s see, however, what dynamics usually define this type of very harmful ties.

The helplessness of daughters of narcissistic mothers

The narcissistic mother applies relentless discipline. She worries more about how her daughter is perceived from the outside than about understanding how her daughter feels, what she wants or what needs she has.. Hence, she proceeds from a very early age to override her daughter’s emotions through indifference or criticism.

These dynamics completely undermine these girls’ identity development. Low self-esteem is added to low self-confidence, helplessness and need to have maternal approval in almost any aspect.

This dependency is such that as the years go by, the feeling of shame is added. This feeling ends up becoming toxic, because in many cases they end up assuming that they are not worthy of being loved.

Never compete with a narcissistic mother

As we have pointed out, The daughters of narcissistic mothers are that mirror where the latter want to see themselves reflected. They want their girls to be an extension of themselves, to look perfect to the world, and to make the choices they themselves would make. Hence they condition them in terms of tastes, studies, friendships and relationships.

However, there is usually an effect that is as contradictory as it is harmful. Envy is always present, like a suffocating veil, like a persistent shadow. Hence, sometimes surreal situations can be experienced: prohibiting them from going out with certain people but at the same time, not hesitating to flirt with those suitors. Likewise, something that the daughters of narcissistic mothers know is that they will never be there to defend or protect them.

Daughters born to serve and please the narcissistic mother

A narcissistic mother will demand constant attention from her daughter. She will be obliged to satisfy needs, meet expectations and not stand out too much so as not to overshadow her mother. For all this to take effect, These mothers do not hesitate to manipulate, humiliate and weaken self-esteem.

How to heal the wound caused by a narcissistic mother?

Many daughters of narcissistic mothers have to deal with trauma. It is the wound generated by growing up with an undefined identity, with an accumulation of buried, convulsive and denied emotions. We must face feelings of shame and free ourselves from the effects of codependency, something that, as we can imagine, is not easy.

However, it can be survived, and recovery is possible as long as we have the right help. There are therapists specialized in these cases, who have been prepared to help us in each of the steps. First, replace the internalized, negative and critical maternal voice with a new one: our own. A voice that should be treated with love, respect and a growth mindset.

A second crucial aspect is learning to disassociate ourselves from them, to set limits. We must learn to prioritize ourselves and position ourselves in the place we deserve. That where you can take on your own projects, that where you can be, act, live and breathe with total autonomy and freedom without being subject to narcissistic influence.

Achieving it takes time. What’s more, in many cases it means having to distance yourself from that narcissistic mother and assume that for the first time, we will do openly what distressed us so much: disappoint her. However, taking that step will mean investing in mental health and quality of life.

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