Dare to let go and say goodbye

By Sergio Sinay

Many of our moments of suffering in life are related to the impossibility of letting go. We fear change: ceasing to be who we are if we move away from a person or if they move away from us, even when the bond that unites us has fulfilled its function, has completed its cycle. We are afraid of being left in a vacuum if we leave a job, even if it causes us more harm than good.

We fear losing our identity if we move house, neighborhood or city, even when there are good reasons for it. We are terrified of the death of loved ones who precede us in life. and that, according to natural law, they will inexorably depart before us.

But do a simple test. Hold two balls, one in each hand. Previously, place a third ball on a table, near you. Try to grab it. If the balls are a size that occupies your hands, it is very likely that the task will be impossible for you. If you really want to keep the third ball, if you really want to play with it, You will only have one path left: you will have to drop one of the other two.

life with meaning

We come to convince ourselves that we are what we do and that if we stop doing it, we will stop being. Thus, our loving or vocational intentions, the ties that have enriched us, the places where we were happy, the people we grew up with or helped to grow they become powerful chains that trap our ankles and prevent us from advancing on the path of maturity, freedom, emotional and spiritual development.

Knowing how to let go is one of the keys to a meaningful life. Stephen Tobin, a renowned Gestalt psychologist, states that “the greater a person’s ability to conclude situations or relationships, the more authentic those relationships and situations are.” And he points out: “People who can say goodbye with a good goodbye are better able to fully engage with others in a way that is realistic, fresh, and meaningful.”

What does a good goodbye mean? It is not necessarily a farewell with violin music, languid glances and promises of future reunions.

A good goodbye is one that allows us to face life, and not turn our backs, as happens when we remain clinging to the past or with our hands full with some balls that prevent us from picking up another one that allows us to experience a new game.

A good goodbye helps us recognize that what we leave behind has contributed to who we are. A good goodbye –also when the other person has died– is one in which, even in the midst of the sadness of the farewell, we can recognize what nurtured us and allows us to feel whole after letting go, because in each situation or in each relationship there is something that has been incorporated into us and that, although we still do not recognize it, has made us grow. It has made us change.

Letting go can be a proof of love

A good goodbye is, ultimately, synonymous with detachment. And detachment, knowing how to let go, is often a great proof of love. Love to a son, to let him be an autonomous individual. To a loved person who is leaving life, so as not to interrupt the cycles of existence.

To a group or work, as verification that they have been nutritious for our development and that we are ready to continue our exploration of life. To a house or a city, because leaving to mature is recognizing them as a nest and not as cages.

When we detach, our heart is impregnated with love for the person or thing from whom we do it. When we refuse to let go, it is not love that predominates in our bond but the fear of losing what we cling to and, with that fear, suffering. We don’t let go because we fear suffering and we suffer for not letting go.

Has the time come to say goodbye?

Suffering, precisely, is an indicator. In attachment situations, someone suffers; if it’s not us, it’s the other. AND when that suffering manifests itself, it is repeated and parked, it is time to let go. When we perceive that, in a certain situation or relationship, we are stagnating and that, even if we try something different, the stagnation persists, it is time to let go.

When the attachment no longer has more reason than the habit and there are no purposes that give meaning and transcendence, it is time to let go.

“Attachment is a test of non-acceptance, of not admitting that things are the way they are,” says John Stevens, another prestigious Gestalt psychotherapist. Acceptance is a capacity of mature people, of those who feel that, not being complete or perfect, they are in a position to fend for themselves. These people have learned to let go from different circumstances, since they they have learned new and valuable existential resources from goodbyes, even the painful ones.